remembering our subic trip

for future reference only (like now!)

dec 2-3, 2006. almost two years ago, a friend and i decided to go to subic at the spur of a moment. armed only with very sketchy directions, we caught a ride to the bus station to olonggapo and from there, got lost. so we asked around. the best answer and probably, the better way of doing it, is to ask the policeman, so we did that. our famous line that morning was:

"excuse me, sir. how do we go to subic?" and we were given explicit directions after that. inside the freeport zone, we decided to go first to look for a place to stay first. our first choice, which was located in the mountains, were not

thinking aloud

school. work. non-existent lovelife. but definitely NOT my single's and family life. i'll talk about this more later. just doesn't have enough time right now...

i am so selfish. really, really selfish and i can't help it. it involves the need to hire new companions here at the office. i overheard somebody's choices of people and it truly doesn't suit me! the first one, i don't like because... well, i just don't like him ever since i met him at school. he's definitely younger than me (which is another point against him, in my opinion, because two of us here wanted someone much older than us) and a little bit the "intelligent snob" kind of person. the second choice, i didn't like either. she's really amazing, to tell you frankly. she was my classmate once and i admit, she's better than me. she has a very analytical mind (which i envy sometimes). but why i'm against her? there are actually two reasons: first, she is a very untidy person and this comes from personal experience! to cut the long story short, she left the graduate lounge very untidy that the cats thought it would be safe to clear the trash off the can and bringing it to my workspace! second, i heard that she got into an affair with a man she knows is married within a week of meeting him! and didn't listen to her adviser. what she became was disrespectful and because of that, she lost her job. how can one smart person be so dumb? yeah, look who's talking! but at least, i wasn't disrespectful and i still keep my wits about me (although i get a little bit impulsive at times) but i never, never wish anybody pain, emotionally or otherwise.

so selfish. and here i am, thinking of myself when in fact, there are a lot of things that i can do for others. i just don't know where to put my efforts on. i don't have anything that i feel passionate about. i just hope i can find that soon!

i am restless. i guess, drifter got a little bit annoyed yesterday when i didn't tell him it was okay for him to call me while i'm at work. well, i didn't really tell him that. i just ignored his text; and today, he's not talking to me. oh yeah, since last night to be exact. well, it's better to have time apart (as if we arent' apart now anyway!) since for the last two weeks it's been like a 24-hr day for us. txts in the morning, txts in the evening and txts in between. i wonder how much our phone bills cost now! but crazy as it is, i miss his craziness -- everytime. but what the heck! we've known each other for four years now. can you believe that? we've gone months without talking to each other. so what's a few days now, right? but still... it's so confusing!

i feel a little bit down today. this isn't the right way to end january! but which is better? ending it wrong and starting the next month right? or ending it right and starting it wrong? i know, i know. the best way is to end it right and start it right! but where am i right now? i said i'm a little bit down...

i guess i need to finish my thesis this year. since i won't be going to canada (due to lack of finances), i'm actually thinking of taking a four-month leave by august to finish the thesis and defend it. it has been so long and i need to get it over with. i just need to have the guts now to talk to my adviser and tell him that i'm not going to dalhousie but i'd be willing to take that educational leave to finish it. i totally hope he'd be agreeable to the arrangement but i know, he'll be very disappointed. i am disappointed too but what i can do? i'm not filthy rich and all the grants i've applied to turned me down! there's no way i can finance that trip myself.

oh well, it's true what they say. you can't have everything you want. or you can have it but not all at the same time!

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nevertheless, i'm still grateful for what i have. i know there can be more but as of the moment, i'm happy where i am. i just have to finish a lot, as in a lot, of unfinished business. after that, i can start with a new project in my life. what that is, i still have to find out.

envious

so envious of their happiness. i want one for myself but as it is, i have none of what they have.

two couple friends of mine are tying the knot this april, just two days apart and i'm expected to be there. of course, i will be. nobody can stop me. but just right now, what i'm having is mixed feelings. i'm happy, envious, sad. happy for them, envious of what they have right now, sad that i don't have that. nor do i even have that special person you want to spend the rest of your life with. how i wish but i stop myself because, i know, deep down, i always have to be careful for what i wish for.

so cautious. and so scared. and so envious right now.

but on a happy tone, i wish my friends well and i'm gonna be there at the wedding drinking champagne for you and dancing my heart out! can't wait! :D

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1:28p office desk - i wanna get married too, and have pretty babies...*sigh* at the back of my mind, it's telling me to be careful, really careful of what to wish for... oh well, this is just a temporary affliction so might as well wallow in it for today.

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and yes, as crazy as it seems, i gave my office address today. if it's all for taking risks, then go! might as well do it rather than have what if's questions later on...

the question

the question for today is:

should i, or should i not, give my address? :-/

up @ 100

thank you

Thank you, God, for all the blessings me and my family received this year. i feel so blessed that you are always with me and a thank you will never be enough. but just the same, Thank you. Guide me this year with your light, to do what is right and what is good. Amen.

2008 and resolutions

it's the new year! and i'm wishing everyone of us the best of what this year can offer. but according to well-meaning friends, you can only accomplish it when you set your mind to it. just like what paulo coelho said in his book: when you want something, the whole universe will conspire for you to get it. in other books, they say that you have to wish it badly and that you want to work hard for it. it seems easy to say but it's hard to want it badly when there are other complications, i said, but there they say lies the problem altogether! don't let things get in the way of what you really want! God will always find a way. Put it in the hands of the universe and it will come back to you!

i can't help but think about it and maybe, they are right! many people believed in that and they got what they wanted because they believed in it, and because they worked hard for and at it. so, maybe i'm not big on resolutions, but maybe it won't hurt to write down what i want this year.

personal...
1. strive for more patience. be less of a "war-freak."
2. have proper diet. lessen chocolate intake and increase fruit intake.
3. join a gym (or do the badminton thing).
4. travel to canada or thailand.
5. finalize things with either drifter or shoeshine. :D

career...
1. finish thesis and graduate this year.
2. get that student grant to be able to attend dalhousie..
3. get an office training. work fast.

that's it for now. all i have to do is not get anything in the way and i hope that God and the universe will truly conspire for me to achieve them.