i am so selfish. really, really selfish and i can't help it. it involves the need to hire new companions here at the office. i overheard somebody's choices of people and it truly doesn't suit me! the first one, i don't like because... well, i just don't like him ever since i met him at school. he's definitely younger than me (which is another point against him, in my opinion, because two of us here wanted someone much older than us) and a little bit the "intelligent snob" kind of person. the second choice, i didn't like either. she's really amazing, to tell you frankly. she was my classmate once and i admit, she's better than me. she has a very analytical mind (which i envy sometimes). but why i'm against her? there are actually two reasons: first, she is a very untidy person and this comes from personal experience! to cut the long story short, she left the graduate lounge very untidy that the cats thought it would be safe to clear the trash off the can and bringing it to my workspace! second, i heard that she got into an affair with a man she knows is married within a week of meeting him! and didn't listen to her adviser. what she became was disrespectful and because of that, she lost her job. how can one smart person be so dumb? yeah, look who's talking! but at least, i wasn't disrespectful and i still keep my wits about me (although i get a little bit impulsive at times) but i never, never wish anybody pain, emotionally or otherwise.
so selfish. and here i am, thinking of myself when in fact, there are a lot of things that i can do for others. i just don't know where to put my efforts on. i don't have anything that i feel passionate about. i just hope i can find that soon!
i am restless. i guess, drifter got a little bit annoyed yesterday when i didn't tell him it was okay for him to call me while i'm at work. well, i didn't really tell him that. i just ignored his text; and today, he's not talking to me. oh yeah, since last night to be exact. well, it's better to have time apart (as if we arent' apart now anyway!) since for the last two weeks it's been like a 24-hr day for us. txts in the morning, txts in the evening and txts in between. i wonder how much our phone bills cost now! but crazy as it is, i miss his craziness -- everytime. but what the heck! we've known each other for four years now. can you believe that? we've gone months without talking to each other. so what's a few days now, right? but still... it's so confusing!
i feel a little bit down today. this isn't the right way to end january! but which is better? ending it wrong and starting the next month right? or ending it right and starting it wrong? i know, i know. the best way is to end it right and start it right! but where am i right now? i said i'm a little bit down...
i guess i need to finish my thesis this year. since i won't be going to canada (due to lack of finances), i'm actually thinking of taking a four-month leave by august to finish the thesis and defend it. it has been so long and i need to get it over with. i just need to have the guts now to talk to my adviser and tell him that i'm not going to dalhousie but i'd be willing to take that educational leave to finish it. i totally hope he'd be agreeable to the arrangement but i know, he'll be very disappointed. i am disappointed too but what i can do? i'm not filthy rich and all the grants i've applied to turned me down! there's no way i can finance that trip myself.
oh well, it's true what they say. you can't have everything you want. or you can have it but not all at the same time!
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nevertheless, i'm still grateful for what i have. i know there can be more but as of the moment, i'm happy where i am. i just have to finish a lot, as in a lot, of unfinished business. after that, i can start with a new project in my life. what that is, i still have to find out.
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