random thoughts

why do i feel that loving him is so wrong, yet it feels so right? truly, love is such an oxymoron. why is it that you dream, yet you fear of dreaming it in case it will come true? how is it that you can't move on because you're waiting for something that might never happen, happen? *sigh*

*****

two couple friends of mine got married this week in such lovely wedding ceremonies, with such heartwarming, heart-wrenching vows. made me think of wanting to make my own wedding vow now. when i told my friends last friday i'm wanting to write down my wedding entourage list, i was reminded that i can only write half of it because the other half will have to be filled in by the groom. yeah, i forgot about the groom, which until now is still blank in my paper... unless it's gonna be him... i wish and yet... i keep myself from saying it out loud in case it might just come true.

*****

i'm thinking that my brain is a little bit out of practice. i feel less smart than i was in high school (or even in college). now i worry about how i'm gonna teach my kids math when they go start their schooling. yes, so far away but i'm already thinking about it. it's just because, i want to teach my kids myself, especially when they have homeworks. i just wish it will come back when the time comes. i don't want to reach that point when i have to tell my kids that they have to look for the answers in the books. i want them to learn it from me, just as i learned it from my dad when i was a kid. at about eight or nine, while my classmates were still learning simple multiplication, i can already do complicated multiplications. not fast, but adequate and accurate calculations. well, i just want my kids to be smart. they may not be honor kids, but i want them to be able to get good grades, and with a whole-rounded education.

*****

if i could sit with you on a quiet beach and just hold hands and watch the sunset, it would be a dream come true... if we could lie on a hammock on a beach while the sun sets, with my head resting on your chest and your fingers playing with my hair, it would be heaven... yes, if only... and if only i'm not afraid to hope and look forward to it... if only...