the Lord is good!

Life has always been good. It is because the Lord is always with me and my family.

I am grateful for everything i have. As i look around me, i always feel grateful that i've been very blessed. Blessed to have a strong family: wonderful parents, good brother and sister, great uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins; blessed to have a good education, happy home, good friends. I have most of what i want. All these, the Lord has provided.

When I was a kid, i got to school with new things every year: new uniforms, shoes, bags. Although our tuition weren't paid in full, it was paid on time. We get to take the exams on time. I had good teachers (mostly) and every adversaries that had come my way during my grade school years, i had good friends and great parents to support me every step of the way. There are plenty of things that had been ingrained in my mind as a young kid. Some were fun, some were not. I got to take piano lessons, join the choir as an alto, graduate as valedictorian. Yet these were also complemented by not so good experiences: a couple of teachers backbiting me when i went against them during the student elections, teachers calling me imbostero (liar) as a way to discredit/insult/make fun of my name and teachers who didn't believe that i can do good. I know these things hurt my parents, especially my mom. I went into a state of depression for weeks that almost made my parents decide to transfer me to another school on my last year in grade school. But with God's grace, and my parents and loyal friends, i overcame all these. I came out of that experience with deeps scars and although i didn't win the elections, i won in more ways than one. today, i'd guess i'm more than what my teacher detractors may have expected of me.

in high school, everything went smoothly. i stayed off teachers, maintaining always a student-teacher relationship (hmmm this may be the reason why i have never really fallen for a teacher, unlike my other classmates). i made new great friends, maintained good old ones. i fell in love. i prayed for that guy but nothing happened between the two of us. my prayer was always, if he is the right one, let us be together. i guess God said, no. :) i am lucky, i could never ask for more. we didn't have much money but we were able to attend all school functions and have dresses for the junior-senior prom. my sister and i always had someone to bring us to school in the morning and someone to pick us up in the afternoon, same as when we were still in grade school. i remember that time in grade school when our school, which was just beside the cathedral, had a bomb threat. the school closed and every parents were called to come and pick up their children from school. we didn't have to wait for long. my father and his driver came to pick us up right away.

in college, i got to go to school away from home, unlike my other classmates. i was to have a better education. i gained new experiences, new lasting friends, a career path. i am forever grateful that never once have i experienced downright poverty. funds were more than a little bit tighter than what we were used to but i survived. i had a scholarship that provided for my allowance for two years, i had an education plan that paid for my tuition and i had my parents for 24/7 support. God was always there to guide me, to wake me up during crunch times. He was the one who gave me strength. i didn't get sick very often, although i felt lonely at times. i got to go home almost every break. i hadn't had any major accidents. i never even really had a need to look for a part-time job just to augment my daily needs. God has provided me with everything. He is great!

after graduating from college, one of my greatest wish was to be able to travel abroad. six months after i got a job, i went to the uk. He listens to prayers!

today, may this writing of mine be a testimony to His greatness. amen!

advice card

a card from my advice box says:

beware of starting something you may later regret.

and my friend says:

only regret the things that you didn't do.

upon thinking about it, my friend and i decided that it depends really on the situation a person is in at that moment these advice are given to him. the first one tells us to be cautious but the other tells us to not be afraid of reaching for what we want. i guess both of us are now in these two situations. in my case, i'm starting to think that what i've started with drifter almost four years ago (and reinforced last year) will cause me to regret it in the future. i had a chance of ending this a few years back but i didn't because i was just too way happy whenever i'm with him. and i was scared to lose him. we decided to become friends and that is what we are until now. yet i guess it didn't end that way for the two of us when we started wanting more. That is what i'm afraid of - wanting something i really couldn't have. then i think that it's a deafitist attitude so i should hope that things will sort themselves out. that's when i become wishful for the best again. when he started calling me last year, i thought this thing between us is going to be a blast and then i think about what's keeping us back, and i feel guilty. too guilty that i feel i'm committing a grave sin - one that i have a need to ask God for forgiveness for. i guess... yeah, i know... we both couldn't have everything we want. this Holy Week season is a time for reflection and i guess that if ever asked what my grave sin is, this will be it: loving the wrong guy too much. the guy who isn't for me. i have never gone to confession for this because i'm afraid and don't know how to say it. how can loving be such a great sin? maybe i know the answer to that. i know the answer to that -- when the man you love is the wrong one. my heart and mind cries that why couldn't he be the one? then again, i guess i know the answer to that -- we found each other too late. i'm in a big dilemma and as long as i love him, i will be in dilemma.

i asked myself how i can live without him in my life and it's such a total mess. i can still live, i know, but this part of my life feels empty. just as what i'm feeling now since i haven't heard from him ever since he went home. at times, i find myself asking if he ever remembers me while he's having fun at home just as i remember him wherever i am. if he does, even just for one moment, and let me know it, i'd be very happy. so that means i'm just stupid for being dependent on one person to make me feel ecstatically happy. i guess i'm crazy and i'm stupid. and if ever anyone finds out what i have been feeling the last few years, i hope they can forgive me. i just wish for this so badly (*be careful what you wish for*) and yet i'm scared if ever that chance will come to us. i just really want to know how it is for us when we are together. i just really want to know. will we be happy, in love, or awkward? i just want to know... and i'm sooo crazy.

be careful of starting what you may later regret...