advice card

a card from my advice box says:

beware of starting something you may later regret.

and my friend says:

only regret the things that you didn't do.

upon thinking about it, my friend and i decided that it depends really on the situation a person is in at that moment these advice are given to him. the first one tells us to be cautious but the other tells us to not be afraid of reaching for what we want. i guess both of us are now in these two situations. in my case, i'm starting to think that what i've started with drifter almost four years ago (and reinforced last year) will cause me to regret it in the future. i had a chance of ending this a few years back but i didn't because i was just too way happy whenever i'm with him. and i was scared to lose him. we decided to become friends and that is what we are until now. yet i guess it didn't end that way for the two of us when we started wanting more. That is what i'm afraid of - wanting something i really couldn't have. then i think that it's a deafitist attitude so i should hope that things will sort themselves out. that's when i become wishful for the best again. when he started calling me last year, i thought this thing between us is going to be a blast and then i think about what's keeping us back, and i feel guilty. too guilty that i feel i'm committing a grave sin - one that i have a need to ask God for forgiveness for. i guess... yeah, i know... we both couldn't have everything we want. this Holy Week season is a time for reflection and i guess that if ever asked what my grave sin is, this will be it: loving the wrong guy too much. the guy who isn't for me. i have never gone to confession for this because i'm afraid and don't know how to say it. how can loving be such a great sin? maybe i know the answer to that. i know the answer to that -- when the man you love is the wrong one. my heart and mind cries that why couldn't he be the one? then again, i guess i know the answer to that -- we found each other too late. i'm in a big dilemma and as long as i love him, i will be in dilemma.

i asked myself how i can live without him in my life and it's such a total mess. i can still live, i know, but this part of my life feels empty. just as what i'm feeling now since i haven't heard from him ever since he went home. at times, i find myself asking if he ever remembers me while he's having fun at home just as i remember him wherever i am. if he does, even just for one moment, and let me know it, i'd be very happy. so that means i'm just stupid for being dependent on one person to make me feel ecstatically happy. i guess i'm crazy and i'm stupid. and if ever anyone finds out what i have been feeling the last few years, i hope they can forgive me. i just wish for this so badly (*be careful what you wish for*) and yet i'm scared if ever that chance will come to us. i just really want to know how it is for us when we are together. i just really want to know. will we be happy, in love, or awkward? i just want to know... and i'm sooo crazy.

be careful of starting what you may later regret...