it had been months since i've felt this way. it was a long journey for me to accept that he is no longer with me. at times, i still have hope that there'd be a way for us to be together but lately, i have come to accept that maybe there isn't any. i was able to cut the times that i think of him, or looking over his picture, or find out what's going on with him thru his myspace.
but yesterday's anonymous call changed that.
it had almost been a year since he last called. he is not the only one who could have called me from outside but i would have known if some friends had been calling because i know, they'd let me know once i missed their call. but this one was different. nobody told me they were calling so i am assuming that it was him and no one else. it took me hours before i got the guts to ask him about the call but he never gave any indications that he did. so i realized (again!) that he wants nothing to do with me anymore.
that hurts.
and i feel so pathetic because i thought i was able to let go and now i realize that i haven't yet -- not totally. now i wonder how one really gets over things like this. you fall in love, get your heart broken, then love again. how does one accept the pain? how does one go on? i guess we can all go through life as it was before but it is never the same, never. little things can remind you of that person in the most unexpected ways. no wonder people become so bitter.
i want to let go though i don't know if i can in the way that i want it to be. i can never erase the conversations, laughters, and time spent with him in the past years, nor can i ever forget.
i just want to know. is he so drowned in his sorrows that he has forgotten the people he has made promises to? i am angry but i am sad for him, too. i know that i want him, that i pray for him but i guess, he doesn't know what he wants or how he should get it, and that is the sad part.
i am again depressed because... just because... because i let him in again in my heart and in my head. it was well past time that i forget him but that one anonymous call ruined everything. one missed call and i'm again a mess.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
morning session
this morning, i had to go to school to help a friend learn a software that he's been having a problem with. as we do not have complete data samples, we were just able to go through the surface. i just hope he got something out of the two hours we had at the lab. after that, i was able to talk him into treating me out to lunch where we were able to discuss office concerns. i was relieved to know that i am not the only one who feels that way about my boss. although it is bad to be happy about someone's misery, i am just glad that i have someone close share the same problem with me. yes, we both feel that our boss do not like us and it shows in how he treats us sometimes. what we decided was that, the only thing we could do to change it was to move out of the office permanently. hopefully, as we are just biding our time, we could do that soon. for our peace of mind.
watched hurt locker and (500) days of summer. they were both good!
LSS: "it's the lover, not the love, who broke your heart last night. it's the lover, not the dream, that didn't work out fine."
***
watched hurt locker and (500) days of summer. they were both good!
***
LSS: "it's the lover, not the love, who broke your heart last night. it's the lover, not the dream, that didn't work out fine."
Saturday, October 3, 2009
volunteerism
i promised myself that i'd volunteer. i'm glad i did. we finished packing 1,000 packs of relief goods in just under three hours. how is that for a productive afternoon? :)
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
ondoy provision
army food in stockondoy was raining hard last saturday and we were stuck at the laboratory. our labmate and friend was worried about us that he had to call and tell us that there were food and sleeping bags littered at the lab, just in case we had to stay the night. and oh! we have army food there, just look for it, he said. we found it but didn't have the need to eat it. yet it was nice that it was there in case we starve!
ondoy on monday
ondoy has almost left us but all aids are just coming in. relief goods were being asked and volunteers being sought. as an office person, i had an obligation to go to work. when i got there, there were only two of us in the department, plus the boss. all others in the department were affected by the rains and the flood. three of them lived in areas most affected by the flooding. one had to carry her baby in waist-deep floodwater one kilometer along to reach higher grounds where her other relatives live. they left everything in their house. my other elder had half his car flooded. the other one, we had no news. yet yesterday, his sms said they were okay.
other stories from our building circulated as well. one officemate below our floor is losing his van. it was carried away by the water. the three cars of one of our managers, who lived in this subdivision where the flood reached the second story level, is totally ruined. one of the aunts of another officemate died in the flood.
everyone has a sad story to tell.
but there was a funny story as well. one of my officemates went to the market to see that the bangus was cheap. apparently, the risen water level of the lake caused the fish to flow and easy to catch. there was no electricity to preserve the fish so he was able to buy 1o kilos for 20 php/kilo. talk about hunger!
then yesterday, one of my friends confirmed that their apartment, which was just a block away from us, was flooded. as she was the only adult in the house with her two kids, she had to do everything. she recalled that when she saw the water coming in, she was so panicked that she was able to lift their refrigerator all by herself! it was just adrenaline pumping through her system. according to her, it was only today that she had finished washing all their dirty wet clothes! but what amazed her more was that the barangay officials came in to see them for a while and when they returned, there was already a bag of relief goods for them. the children, who didn't have any idea how scary it was last saturday, were just too excited to receive their gifts and just wanted to eat everything at once. talk about the resilience of kids. i'm just glad that they weren't traumatized. thank God.
tonight, i am writing this so i could remember the pains and joys that ondoy has brought. i just wish that the filipino could keep the spirit of bayanihan going and to find relief and joy amongst the difficulty and pain ondoy has brought us.
other stories from our building circulated as well. one officemate below our floor is losing his van. it was carried away by the water. the three cars of one of our managers, who lived in this subdivision where the flood reached the second story level, is totally ruined. one of the aunts of another officemate died in the flood.
everyone has a sad story to tell.
but there was a funny story as well. one of my officemates went to the market to see that the bangus was cheap. apparently, the risen water level of the lake caused the fish to flow and easy to catch. there was no electricity to preserve the fish so he was able to buy 1o kilos for 20 php/kilo. talk about hunger!
then yesterday, one of my friends confirmed that their apartment, which was just a block away from us, was flooded. as she was the only adult in the house with her two kids, she had to do everything. she recalled that when she saw the water coming in, she was so panicked that she was able to lift their refrigerator all by herself! it was just adrenaline pumping through her system. according to her, it was only today that she had finished washing all their dirty wet clothes! but what amazed her more was that the barangay officials came in to see them for a while and when they returned, there was already a bag of relief goods for them. the children, who didn't have any idea how scary it was last saturday, were just too excited to receive their gifts and just wanted to eat everything at once. talk about the resilience of kids. i'm just glad that they weren't traumatized. thank God.
tonight, i am writing this so i could remember the pains and joys that ondoy has brought. i just wish that the filipino could keep the spirit of bayanihan going and to find relief and joy amongst the difficulty and pain ondoy has brought us.
ondoy
it's been a couple of days since the fury of ondoy has struck metro manila. for some, little had happened to them yet for many, it has brought destruction, fear, and even paranoia to such unreasonable depths.
"just don't tell if i'm dying coz i don't want to know... (playing in the background)"
as for me, saturday was supposedly a simple day that would start with a class in the morning, dentist appointment in the afternoon, and partying in the evening. the venue for the party was at school so along with my laptop, i have brought all the stuff needed for the party which were stored at my house. it was dark and raining when i left the house. little did i know that it would lead to anything so herculean in dimension, incomprehensible to my mind. how could just a simple, non-stop rain cause so much destruction. i would then later see the answer to that in the afternoon. enconsed in the four walls of the classroom, we didn't realize how much the rain had been pouring and how the sky turned darker nor how much the wind howled. little did we know.
after class at noon, we decided to stay for a while at school, hoping the rain would stop eventually. it did not and we had to cancel the party. reports were all coming in now; the rain might go on throughout the day and there were floods surroundign us. later, i got a message from my dentist cancelling my appointment. another call came through, this one coming from one of our older labmates, one who is like a brother to us. he said we need to stay put because it's not safe going outside with the heavy, heavy and not strong, rain. we have provisions at the lab in case we needed to stay overnight and sleeping bags, and 'oh! army food,' he said. i called my sister and she provided me with an update of what's happening in the outside world. people were now on their roofs, asking to be rescued. at first, it was astonishing even that a famous actress has gone up to her roof. it was a shock that fame cannot help you when fighting the elements. we realize that we are equal against a common enemy, which is nature. anyways, with all these things coming to us, E and i decided to look in on the net for updates. by late afternoon, we already have an idea of what was happening. we saw people walking in chest-deep waters, cars being carried by high velocity waters, people on the roofs, people crying over the telephones during interviews on tv. it was such a mess, and it was heartbreaking.
at first, i just wanted to go home to enjoy the cool winds brought by the rain, with a book in my hand and hot choco beside my bed. late in the afternoon, with the rain raging on and giving lots of things to worry about, i just really wanted to be home -- safe.
it was also kind of sad at first because i have been down lately. i felt that he didn't care for my welfare. he must have heard the news of what's happening but i have never received any messages from him. i felt down and it made me want to cry. never mind that i didn't have phone coverage for hours already. it was just heartbreaking. then i decided to call my sister to see how she was and to inform her i was okay. the sound of her voice on the phone, her gladness to know that i was okay, to know that she worried made my heart lighter. my spirit lifted, even just for a bit. i left her my number just in case anything comes up. yet, not even an hour has passed when E answered the phone and told me i have a male caller. who could it be? i was not expecting anyone to call me. i was deeply puzzled until i answered the call: hello? who's this? 'hey, it's your papa, dalaga! we were worried about you. we couldn't contact you for a long time. it's scary on tv. are you okay?' yes, i'm okay, i said and i was happy. i assured him that everything is fine and we said our goodbyes. then just a few minutes later, another call came through. it was for me again and it was my brother. he said he was worried because of what he saw on tv and he couldn't contact me for some time. like with my dad, i assured him i was safe at school and would be staying put. after all those calls, i felt loved. loved so much by my family. i guess, maybe, never mind about him. i have a family who loves me and that is more important. but how much nicer could it be for him to call me, to worry about me. sigh, never mind. until now, he hasn't called. that's the sad truth of that.
I FEEL LOVED. PERIOD. AND GRATEFUL.
E and I, and her husband, ended up staying the night at the lab. with nothing to do, i was able to sleep early. however we stationed our sleeping arrangement at the lab, and whatever the circumstance was, i surprisingly had a pleasant sleep. i'm grateful for that. waking up early in the morning, i decided to go straight to church. it was a pleasant way to start another day. one so much different from the day before. it was raining, yes, but it was not like it was the day before. i went home and i saw how abs-cbn had immediately set-up a fund raising campaign for all those affected by the flood. i am not much of a fan of kris but how she handled that campaign was amazing. kudos to her! she made competition look so good and all for the sake of charity. i am so much impressed. you could either hate her or love her. she's such a mean bully and i'm saying this in an impressed way. no insult meant, just admiration.
"i wanna feel... i want the sunburn just to know i'm alive..."
"just don't tell if i'm dying coz i don't want to know... (playing in the background)"
as for me, saturday was supposedly a simple day that would start with a class in the morning, dentist appointment in the afternoon, and partying in the evening. the venue for the party was at school so along with my laptop, i have brought all the stuff needed for the party which were stored at my house. it was dark and raining when i left the house. little did i know that it would lead to anything so herculean in dimension, incomprehensible to my mind. how could just a simple, non-stop rain cause so much destruction. i would then later see the answer to that in the afternoon. enconsed in the four walls of the classroom, we didn't realize how much the rain had been pouring and how the sky turned darker nor how much the wind howled. little did we know.
after class at noon, we decided to stay for a while at school, hoping the rain would stop eventually. it did not and we had to cancel the party. reports were all coming in now; the rain might go on throughout the day and there were floods surroundign us. later, i got a message from my dentist cancelling my appointment. another call came through, this one coming from one of our older labmates, one who is like a brother to us. he said we need to stay put because it's not safe going outside with the heavy, heavy and not strong, rain. we have provisions at the lab in case we needed to stay overnight and sleeping bags, and 'oh! army food,' he said. i called my sister and she provided me with an update of what's happening in the outside world. people were now on their roofs, asking to be rescued. at first, it was astonishing even that a famous actress has gone up to her roof. it was a shock that fame cannot help you when fighting the elements. we realize that we are equal against a common enemy, which is nature. anyways, with all these things coming to us, E and i decided to look in on the net for updates. by late afternoon, we already have an idea of what was happening. we saw people walking in chest-deep waters, cars being carried by high velocity waters, people on the roofs, people crying over the telephones during interviews on tv. it was such a mess, and it was heartbreaking.
at first, i just wanted to go home to enjoy the cool winds brought by the rain, with a book in my hand and hot choco beside my bed. late in the afternoon, with the rain raging on and giving lots of things to worry about, i just really wanted to be home -- safe.
it was also kind of sad at first because i have been down lately. i felt that he didn't care for my welfare. he must have heard the news of what's happening but i have never received any messages from him. i felt down and it made me want to cry. never mind that i didn't have phone coverage for hours already. it was just heartbreaking. then i decided to call my sister to see how she was and to inform her i was okay. the sound of her voice on the phone, her gladness to know that i was okay, to know that she worried made my heart lighter. my spirit lifted, even just for a bit. i left her my number just in case anything comes up. yet, not even an hour has passed when E answered the phone and told me i have a male caller. who could it be? i was not expecting anyone to call me. i was deeply puzzled until i answered the call: hello? who's this? 'hey, it's your papa, dalaga! we were worried about you. we couldn't contact you for a long time. it's scary on tv. are you okay?' yes, i'm okay, i said and i was happy. i assured him that everything is fine and we said our goodbyes. then just a few minutes later, another call came through. it was for me again and it was my brother. he said he was worried because of what he saw on tv and he couldn't contact me for some time. like with my dad, i assured him i was safe at school and would be staying put. after all those calls, i felt loved. loved so much by my family. i guess, maybe, never mind about him. i have a family who loves me and that is more important. but how much nicer could it be for him to call me, to worry about me. sigh, never mind. until now, he hasn't called. that's the sad truth of that.
I FEEL LOVED. PERIOD. AND GRATEFUL.
E and I, and her husband, ended up staying the night at the lab. with nothing to do, i was able to sleep early. however we stationed our sleeping arrangement at the lab, and whatever the circumstance was, i surprisingly had a pleasant sleep. i'm grateful for that. waking up early in the morning, i decided to go straight to church. it was a pleasant way to start another day. one so much different from the day before. it was raining, yes, but it was not like it was the day before. i went home and i saw how abs-cbn had immediately set-up a fund raising campaign for all those affected by the flood. i am not much of a fan of kris but how she handled that campaign was amazing. kudos to her! she made competition look so good and all for the sake of charity. i am so much impressed. you could either hate her or love her. she's such a mean bully and i'm saying this in an impressed way. no insult meant, just admiration.
"i wanna feel... i want the sunburn just to know i'm alive..."
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