a missed call ruined it all

it had been months since i've felt this way. it was a long journey for me to accept that he is no longer with me. at times, i still have hope that there'd be a way for us to be together but lately, i have come to accept that maybe there isn't any. i was able to cut the times that i think of him, or looking over his picture, or find out what's going on with him thru his myspace.

but yesterday's anonymous call changed that.

it had almost been a year since he last called. he is not the only one who could have called me from outside but i would have known if some friends had been calling because i know, they'd let me know once i missed their call. but this one was different. nobody told me they were calling so i am assuming that it was him and no one else. it took me hours before i got the guts to ask him about the call but he never gave any indications that he did. so i realized (again!) that he wants nothing to do with me anymore.

that hurts.

and i feel so pathetic because i thought i was able to let go and now i realize that i haven't yet -- not totally. now i wonder how one really gets over things like this. you fall in love, get your heart broken, then love again. how does one accept the pain? how does one go on? i guess we can all go through life as it was before but it is never the same, never. little things can remind you of that person in the most unexpected ways. no wonder people become so bitter.

i want to let go though i don't know if i can in the way that i want it to be. i can never erase the conversations, laughters, and time spent with him in the past years, nor can i ever forget.

i just want to know. is he so drowned in his sorrows that he has forgotten the people he has made promises to? i am angry but i am sad for him, too. i know that i want him, that i pray for him but i guess, he doesn't know what he wants or how he should get it, and that is the sad part.

i am again depressed because... just because... because i let him in again in my heart and in my head. it was well past time that i forget him but that one anonymous call ruined everything. one missed call and i'm again a mess.