indecision

my boss' lecture for today: you have to be decisive!

well, i guess i'm not or i wouldn't be in this position of having mixed feelings. when i first learned that they may send me away for work onboard the same vessel i was in two years ago, my first reaction was -- no! that is because, i didn't want to deal with foreigners again (not that i have any bad experience with them. actually they were all good). or i was just afraid to face new challenges -- be in control of the whole operation, report-writing, and any other duties. i just didn't feel like it especially since i know that when i get back, my desk will be full of things to see to, aside from the project's terminal report. i was also hesitant because the schedule of the project is very flexible. i was afraid that if we'll start too late, i might miss my weekend vacation to BKK. so yes, i did tell my supervisor that if there would be a choice, i would rather stay and monitor the project's progress from the main office.

then came new things. in our meeting last friday, i saw two of the former crewmate i was with two years ago and it made me long to see and work again with all of them. i then wanted to go because the company representative is a friend as well as the government's represantive. i knew i would learn a lot from this experience but really, i just don't want to have a stack of work to take care when i get back, i still don't want the big responsibility of working onboard, and definitely not the least, i don't want to miss my weekend vacation.

yes, i have mixed emotions now. i am indecisive. now i want to go, yet not. :(