crying over you won't fix whatever it is that's going wrong between us. i just need to write this down for now so i can get it off my chest and hopefully help myself  move on. yoiu know i hate fighting in whatever form it is and i can't help but think dark thoughts. that is not what or how i want myself to be. i want to be happy but being away from you like this now isn't making me happy.

why do you ignore me? how do you go on ignoring me? you once said why do i think this way, we were supposed to be happy. but how are we supposed to be happy when you ignore me and when you do deign to talk to me, that is only to say that you are sorry because you have been a rebel and had been seeing someone else and that for a while, you have forgotten about me. was that what you mean by happy? maybe we do have a different idea of what being happy means. how can you ask me on why i do think that way, that you are ignoring me. aren't you, aren't you?

over the years, i have been telling myself to stop hanging on to you but i'm weak. i haven't done it and i'm crawling my way through it. you make me sad. you make me cry. you make me long for something better but all i see about better times is still with you. i can't help it and i hate it. you make me hope but i know it's hopeless. you don't want to be happy with me, you don't make that effort with me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, too.

pahabol

tang-ina mo, pare! ayaw kong maghabol pero baliw ako sa iyo at ginagawa mo akong tanga! ginawa mo akong isang sirang plaka na tumutugtog pa rin ng paulit-ulit kahit sira na dahil sa gusto mo lang tumugtog ito. ganun naman tayo di ba? paulit-ulit na lang tayo sa ganito at walang pinanghahantungan. nakakapagod na pero bakit ganun? kahit pagod na ako, umaasa pa rin ako. ayaw na kitang habulin pero hindi... hindi ko mapigilan dahil mahal kita. gusto ko pa rin malaman kung may pag-asa pa nga ba tayo kahit na alam ko na iniiwasan mo na ako. hindi ba katangahan iyon? matalino naman ako, ah. nagmumukha lang akong tanga pagdating sa iyo. alam kong ayaw mo na sa akin pero bakit di ko mapigilang ipilit ang sarili ko sa iyo? tang-ina mo talaga, pare! puede bang diretsahin mo na ako? saktan mo na ako ng todo-todo para isahan na lang please. isang bagsakan na lang at pagkatapos noon ay wala na. mangyayari kaya iyon? sa palagay ko ay hindi pero libre ang mangarap. naisip ko lang, kung sinaktan mo ba ako ng todo-todo ay mapapalitan ang pag-ibig ko ng galit sa iyo, o hindi? sabi nga sa isang pelikulang napanood ko, hindi kita minahal ng sobra para pagtuunan pa kita ng galit (o pagkamuhi).

yun lang. grabe pare, ang sakit ha! nakakabwisit ka na....

a missed call ruined it all

it had been months since i've felt this way. it was a long journey for me to accept that he is no longer with me. at times, i still have hope that there'd be a way for us to be together but lately, i have come to accept that maybe there isn't any. i was able to cut the times that i think of him, or looking over his picture, or find out what's going on with him thru his myspace.

but yesterday's anonymous call changed that.

it had almost been a year since he last called. he is not the only one who could have called me from outside but i would have known if some friends had been calling because i know, they'd let me know once i missed their call. but this one was different. nobody told me they were calling so i am assuming that it was him and no one else. it took me hours before i got the guts to ask him about the call but he never gave any indications that he did. so i realized (again!) that he wants nothing to do with me anymore.

that hurts.

and i feel so pathetic because i thought i was able to let go and now i realize that i haven't yet -- not totally. now i wonder how one really gets over things like this. you fall in love, get your heart broken, then love again. how does one accept the pain? how does one go on? i guess we can all go through life as it was before but it is never the same, never. little things can remind you of that person in the most unexpected ways. no wonder people become so bitter.

i want to let go though i don't know if i can in the way that i want it to be. i can never erase the conversations, laughters, and time spent with him in the past years, nor can i ever forget.

i just want to know. is he so drowned in his sorrows that he has forgotten the people he has made promises to? i am angry but i am sad for him, too. i know that i want him, that i pray for him but i guess, he doesn't know what he wants or how he should get it, and that is the sad part.

i am again depressed because... just because... because i let him in again in my heart and in my head. it was well past time that i forget him but that one anonymous call ruined everything. one missed call and i'm again a mess.

morning session

this morning, i had to go to school to help a friend learn a software that he's been having a problem with. as we do not have complete data samples, we were just able to go through the surface. i just hope he got something out of the two hours we had at the lab. after that, i was able to talk him into treating me out to lunch where we were able to discuss office concerns. i was relieved to know that i am not the only one who feels that way about my boss. although it is bad to be happy about someone's misery, i am just glad that i have someone close share the same problem with me. yes, we both feel that our boss do not like us and it shows in how he treats us sometimes. what we decided was that, the only thing we could do to change it was to move out of the office permanently. hopefully, as we are just biding our time, we could do that soon. for our peace of mind.

***

watched hurt locker and (500) days of summer. they were both good!

***

LSS: "it's the lover, not the love, who broke your heart last night. it's the lover, not the dream, that didn't work out fine."

volunteerism

i promised myself that i'd volunteer. i'm glad i did. we finished packing 1,000 packs of relief goods in just under three hours. how is that for a productive afternoon? :)

...is singing...

"di na natuto...."

(just never learned...)

damn... :(