shuttle service

these are not daily sessions but whenever R and i get to seat next to each other at the office's morning shuttle service, there are moments that all we could talk about is life in general and how God is present in it.

today, we happened to talk (again) about the uncertainty of moving on. amazingly, we share the same sentiments. it's our third year now in the company. is it time to move on, or stay? we've thought before that it will either be go on on the third year, or stay for five years. now, we are at that crossroad. i admit, i am at that crossroad. i ask myself: have i gained more in the past three years (yes, although not as much as i'd like to, based on a couple of friends who works in the same industry as me with the same number of years of experience), will i still gain more if i stay, or would it be better if i move on? if i move on, will everything be alright? will i improve or stay stagnant, just the same?

it is also a question of, am i ready to move on? is this the right time, or am i just running away from what i don't like in my present place? if i move, will i leave the unpleasantness behind altogether or just move on to a greater one? the greatest question is: will i be competent enough to compete with my contemporaries?

and lastly, more importantly, it's a question of, is this the will of the Lord. i've been asking for something better but is this it? i fear moving on, that is true. is this mainly because i am in my comfort zone, that i'm afraid of trying out new things? is this God's way of telling me that this is the moment to move on? or is He telling me, this is your place that is why you are comfortable here? how do one person know what God truly wills?

sister asked me a while ago when told about my dilemma, "are you listening to God?" but how do I listen? who can teach me? how? if it's the appearance of this chance His way of talking, then is this the time to listen? or is this what my sister says, sometimes it's the man who does the thing and since it's already done, He just lets it be....

what am i going to do? how do i listen to His will?

as Samuel said, "Here I am, Lord." but how am i to hear His voice?

Lord, guide me for i am lost... Amen.

scaredy scared

why am i afraid of doing a lot of things today?

i want to join an advocacy but i don't want the demands it will post on me. i want to play sports but i don't want to exert any effort. i particularly think it's a waste of time to jog, for example. yet, i waste my time online after arriving home from the office - and at times, even forgetting to eat!

when i look back at my first trip overseas, i amaze myself how i can be so daring (and yet it wasn't so daring at all! i didn't go to a club, for example). imagine a twenty-three year old girl who had never been away from the country actually taking that nineteen-hour flight without any guide, and just a few measly directions to the school i'm supposed to go to. imagine a little girl, going alone and living alone in a different country for one full month, with no friends (okay, beck was there but i only met her twice!). i wasn't afraid to take on the eight (or was it twelve) hours of coach ride to scotland. all these, i've done and i've actually met new friends.

and yet, now, i am a little scared of going away, even for leisure travel. why is that? as i'm writing this, i get it. it's like a bulb lighting on. eureka, in fact! the main reason why i'm afraid is not actually the safety. it's something to do with money. i have a little for that, alright but i'm afraid of diminishing my savings. before, i get to spend someone else's money for the travel but now, i use my own and it scares the hell out of me. working hard and spending hard is not my idea of living the life. i work hard, i save and i spend when i can. travel then is in the 'can' area. one that has to be planned meticulously so that i'd get my money's worth. i envy others i know who've been around the world, to all those places i always wanted to go to. but i have to believe what the saying says: do not envy the paths others had taken because you don't know what their journey is all about. so i need to live my life my own way, as God guides it.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

believe in the faithfulness of the Lord!

this morning, as my sister lounged on my bed beside me reading the bible, i read my daily reflection. the message is to let the Lord guide us, even if we have little capacity for doing, to do His will. we are encouraged to ask: God, what is it that you want me to do?

--26 September 2008

troubled heart and faith

John 14:1-3

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; hvve faith also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I haave told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be."

Isaiah 41:10

"Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed; I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with my righ hand of justice."