scaredy scared

why am i afraid of doing a lot of things today?

i want to join an advocacy but i don't want the demands it will post on me. i want to play sports but i don't want to exert any effort. i particularly think it's a waste of time to jog, for example. yet, i waste my time online after arriving home from the office - and at times, even forgetting to eat!

when i look back at my first trip overseas, i amaze myself how i can be so daring (and yet it wasn't so daring at all! i didn't go to a club, for example). imagine a twenty-three year old girl who had never been away from the country actually taking that nineteen-hour flight without any guide, and just a few measly directions to the school i'm supposed to go to. imagine a little girl, going alone and living alone in a different country for one full month, with no friends (okay, beck was there but i only met her twice!). i wasn't afraid to take on the eight (or was it twelve) hours of coach ride to scotland. all these, i've done and i've actually met new friends.

and yet, now, i am a little scared of going away, even for leisure travel. why is that? as i'm writing this, i get it. it's like a bulb lighting on. eureka, in fact! the main reason why i'm afraid is not actually the safety. it's something to do with money. i have a little for that, alright but i'm afraid of diminishing my savings. before, i get to spend someone else's money for the travel but now, i use my own and it scares the hell out of me. working hard and spending hard is not my idea of living the life. i work hard, i save and i spend when i can. travel then is in the 'can' area. one that has to be planned meticulously so that i'd get my money's worth. i envy others i know who've been around the world, to all those places i always wanted to go to. but i have to believe what the saying says: do not envy the paths others had taken because you don't know what their journey is all about. so i need to live my life my own way, as God guides it.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

believe in the faithfulness of the Lord!

this morning, as my sister lounged on my bed beside me reading the bible, i read my daily reflection. the message is to let the Lord guide us, even if we have little capacity for doing, to do His will. we are encouraged to ask: God, what is it that you want me to do?

--26 September 2008