this is it

this morning, drifter texted me after more than a month. since i can't help it, i replied. i was happy to hear from him. i missed him. yet i told him i was mad at him the last couple of weeks because he went awol on me. i didn't know where he was, what he's doing. for all i know, he got in the army earlier and at the moment fighting in iraq; or he got into another accident. maybe i made him feel guilty by saying that that he asked if he could call. i was at the office after all. i didn't want him to but it was the only time we had as he was on field most of the time, so i told him to call.

that phone call now changes everything - i think. i know why he was gone a long time without any contact with me. i am guilty of that, too. when one is on the field, one can lose phone signals, or lose battery charges, and if one is busy taking care of other people, one cannot expect for that person to drop everything else for you. he is now in constant move and one cannot know when he's going to get the chance to be on the phone or on the internet. it's enough that he keeps me on his mind.

yet, there is one thing that made me speechless from our conversation --

he had now filed for divorce, this end of july.

i don't know what will happen then but for now, we will both keep it easy. it's scary because the chance for us to be together comes nearer and nearer. yet, could it be really for real? how will i introduce him to my parents, family and friends?

as we were having our conversation at the washroom, i realized someone was also there, overhearing our talk. unfortunately, it was an officemate i'm close to. anyways, when she left, i told drifter about that and that i wasn't sure how she'd take it coz my friend doesn't know about him. in fact, not many of my friends know about you, i said. i don't want them to know about you. he replied, 'why not?' i hope he wasn't insulted but my only answer was that, i couldn't tell them about him because he is not totally free. when i tell them, i want to know that he is fully mine, and not partially owned by someone else. i told him that i want to let the whole world know that he's mine but it's just not the right time. he is not fully mine. i know he understood that, and i'm grateful.

so what will happen now? surely i want the chance to know how we are together. will we be happy? will we be a piece, a half of each other? will we make each other whole? will we have great times ahead? will we get through all the troubles that will come our way? will we? so many questions and yet not the right time for the right answers.

i'm way over my head now. i'm scared yet i kind of look forward to seeing him. soon. it's gonna be soon. if God wills it, we will.