shuttle service

these are not daily sessions but whenever R and i get to seat next to each other at the office's morning shuttle service, there are moments that all we could talk about is life in general and how God is present in it.

today, we happened to talk (again) about the uncertainty of moving on. amazingly, we share the same sentiments. it's our third year now in the company. is it time to move on, or stay? we've thought before that it will either be go on on the third year, or stay for five years. now, we are at that crossroad. i admit, i am at that crossroad. i ask myself: have i gained more in the past three years (yes, although not as much as i'd like to, based on a couple of friends who works in the same industry as me with the same number of years of experience), will i still gain more if i stay, or would it be better if i move on? if i move on, will everything be alright? will i improve or stay stagnant, just the same?

it is also a question of, am i ready to move on? is this the right time, or am i just running away from what i don't like in my present place? if i move, will i leave the unpleasantness behind altogether or just move on to a greater one? the greatest question is: will i be competent enough to compete with my contemporaries?

and lastly, more importantly, it's a question of, is this the will of the Lord. i've been asking for something better but is this it? i fear moving on, that is true. is this mainly because i am in my comfort zone, that i'm afraid of trying out new things? is this God's way of telling me that this is the moment to move on? or is He telling me, this is your place that is why you are comfortable here? how do one person know what God truly wills?

sister asked me a while ago when told about my dilemma, "are you listening to God?" but how do I listen? who can teach me? how? if it's the appearance of this chance His way of talking, then is this the time to listen? or is this what my sister says, sometimes it's the man who does the thing and since it's already done, He just lets it be....

what am i going to do? how do i listen to His will?

as Samuel said, "Here I am, Lord." but how am i to hear His voice?

Lord, guide me for i am lost... Amen.

scaredy scared

why am i afraid of doing a lot of things today?

i want to join an advocacy but i don't want the demands it will post on me. i want to play sports but i don't want to exert any effort. i particularly think it's a waste of time to jog, for example. yet, i waste my time online after arriving home from the office - and at times, even forgetting to eat!

when i look back at my first trip overseas, i amaze myself how i can be so daring (and yet it wasn't so daring at all! i didn't go to a club, for example). imagine a twenty-three year old girl who had never been away from the country actually taking that nineteen-hour flight without any guide, and just a few measly directions to the school i'm supposed to go to. imagine a little girl, going alone and living alone in a different country for one full month, with no friends (okay, beck was there but i only met her twice!). i wasn't afraid to take on the eight (or was it twelve) hours of coach ride to scotland. all these, i've done and i've actually met new friends.

and yet, now, i am a little scared of going away, even for leisure travel. why is that? as i'm writing this, i get it. it's like a bulb lighting on. eureka, in fact! the main reason why i'm afraid is not actually the safety. it's something to do with money. i have a little for that, alright but i'm afraid of diminishing my savings. before, i get to spend someone else's money for the travel but now, i use my own and it scares the hell out of me. working hard and spending hard is not my idea of living the life. i work hard, i save and i spend when i can. travel then is in the 'can' area. one that has to be planned meticulously so that i'd get my money's worth. i envy others i know who've been around the world, to all those places i always wanted to go to. but i have to believe what the saying says: do not envy the paths others had taken because you don't know what their journey is all about. so i need to live my life my own way, as God guides it.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

believe in the faithfulness of the Lord!

this morning, as my sister lounged on my bed beside me reading the bible, i read my daily reflection. the message is to let the Lord guide us, even if we have little capacity for doing, to do His will. we are encouraged to ask: God, what is it that you want me to do?

--26 September 2008

what is your passion

i have none.

that is one of the reasons why i am totally lost and sad sometimes. i have nothing to show for. i am not passionate about anything. not my work, not my studies, not my puzzles, not my scrapbooks, not my love for photographs. not even the exercises i try to do once a week. not even my bible reading!

how can i go on? how will i change things? others i know are passionate about their family, their sports, their business. and i have nothing to show for. 27 years and i have nothing :(

Part Two: Reason

the only reason i can think of is that i get easily fed up with things. once i've tried it once or twice, the allure lessens and i move on to other things. money is also an issue. i have only one source of it and if i loose it, i'm a goner.

Realization

as i think of my passion now, the only thing i can think of is that i Love to Travel. if there is a way that i can do that for pay, i will. i love to see new things, experience new sounds, taste and culture. that is probably why i like languages (not a passion, too coz i quit the last class i was on. it wasn't worth the trouble with the kind of teacher i had). i like to take photos but i'm not passionate about it that i'd splurge 300USD for a camera nor have the patience to actually compose a beautiful picture. i live for the moment and yet sometimes, i don't particularly see the value of living for the moment when one can enjoy her passion as long as God wills it.

Lost

so what is My Passion? i'd like to know.

three things i learned today

1. if you want something done right, do it yourself.


2. however people, especially your boss, treat you at the office, you tend to retain and bring it at home.


3. if you want help in flattening your belly, improve your posture.


and i guess, another story from today...


my friend showed me that if a person really wants something done for you, he will do it. like her guy who just sent her a box of chocolates when he is still in italy while she's in new york. then calling her up to let her know he's fine and to know if she got his "surprise." isn't that so cute and so sweet? i never did get that kind of thing from him. i could say as an excuse that the situation is different for us, but still.. he could have at least made the effort. i'm beginning to see things that i've missed out and things that i shouldn't ever take for granted. just because i love a guy doesn't mean that he could get away from missing things that he should have done to show that he loves me back.


*sigh* oh well...


mike once said to me that you never really get what you want at the time you want it. L also said that you can have everything you want but not at the same time.

*****
tomorrow is capoeira day. i mean i'm not joining but M and I are going to check out the class at the university in the morning. hope we'll like it *fingers crossed*