feelings - the last couple of weeks

i've been meaning to blog for a long time about so many things but there's some part of me that stops me. i guess it's because i'm feeling quite odd the last couple of weeks. so let me begin this blog by telling you (or myself) what i've been feeling lately....

feelings in the last couple of weeks

i have been lost the last couple of weeks. it probably started with my "dissatisfaction" at work. i felt that i'm not growing anymore. i rarely get any training. the ones we want we can't have because it will cost the company. for trainings, they want something that's for free. in the industry, i doubt there are many of that running around. we didn't see one when we were looking. i have questions in my main work specialization that aren't answered to my satisfaction, and yet i can't blame them because they aren't experts in that field. i carry a big weight on my shoulders as i handle one big project but i feel too small against the responsibilities that go with it. i am scared, and yet i don't know how to ask for help. the ones beside me have problems of their own, too. i know they'd answer my questions but i couldn't take a lot of their time because they have their own deadlines.

and so, in a spur of the moment thing, i updated my monster account and in just a week, i got a reply. a hiring company is willing to discuss a position that's available in the country i want, although it isn't the place i specifically indicated in the resume. when i checked the place, i got to thinking twice about replying because the place they're offering is not a state that have an established industry. in fact, when i checked, it is more of a space and retirement place. until today, i'm still thinking about it. should i reply or not?

i've read somewhere that to lessen the risk of making a wrong career decision, don't accept the first offer that comes to you. thinking back though, after i passed my board exams, i took the first work offered to me. i became an RA for two years and enjoyed it much. when my contract was nearing its end, my present company called me up to offer a position. i accepted that, too. and now, i'm at my wit's end. should i reply or not? will it be a mistake or not? but i've always been reminded that

-you will gain nothing by not doing anything
-the answer is always no when you don't ask
-just try, you have nothing to lose

so what now? it's been almost a month since that email. and then the boss said today, it's okay if you want to move on, if you have a better offer. that is how it is. but if you are still happy here, then stay.

so am i happy? do i want to stay on? these are just some questions running round my mind lately, most especially after i received that email.

schools and wishful thinking

i've also been looking for schools. i want to continue my studies somewhere else. and yet, what makes me stop is the thought that i want a school near him. if that happens, what next? shiet, what a quandary! and will i ever get accepted? is there financial help? that's second shiet!

realization

i realized that i'm a coward. i believe that God will guide me but i'm so scared to put my foot forward. i was like this when i was in college, but not so much as i am right now. am i getting more cautious with age or am i just downright scared? i'm scared to make a mistake. i'm scared of falling on my face. i don't know why but i'm scared.

God, help me, guide me. I'm so lost.