wasted time

it had been four years that i met someone online who would be a big - not central, but still signicant - part of my life. there had been times in these four years that we would go by without any communications and there would be times that we talk almost every twelve hours per day, daytime my time, and daytime his time. friendship had been the central part of this relationship - not so much in the interests because we both have way different interests, but on the same belief that a friendship works with truth and trust at its core and perhaps, at least, cultural similarities.

eventually, and never was it expected, that a deeper friendship grew, but it did. neither one of us wants to rush things because both of us have obligations - he to his own life, and me to mine. we both have families, careers and goals to pursue. both of us understands and accepts this. it is just a good thing that we are apart because as i always say, if i'm near, i might get into big trouble, and that is one thing that i want to avoid.

i know i am crazy, falling for a guy like that. i will not deny that i'm crazy over him. a friend says for the longest time to let go, but i just can't, and i just won't. call it hardheadedness, if you will. the craziness falls both on falling for his type and still hoping that something will happen in the future, without anyone getting hurt in the process on both our sides.

i will not deny too, that he makes me happy. he's one of the brightest shine in my life especially when i'm down. and i would bet, heavily, that i too, am one of the brightest shine in his life. i can't help but wish and wish and yet my rational mind says it may be wasted time.

wasted time. for four years, i have not seen anyone i would like to pursue as much as i had with him. maybe pursue is not the right term. let's say, i have not met anyone whom i would want to make time for for conversations, and even costly txt messages! well, except for kiwi perhaps. but with kiwi, my infatuation and strong feelings hadn't lasted that long. he was just someone who came and went. fortunately, he left memories that i would lovingly remember, conversations i will never forget. now i wonder, will it really be wasted time? i hope not, but reality seems to say that it is - and it will be. but will i have the courage and the will to stop?