my mom once said that everybody has to go away because each person deserves to test their wings. it is part of growing up, and this leaving behind can be a test of friendships. this was after i lamented on knowing - even envying - my friends are leaving the country and leaving us, me behind.
changes are constant and one has to accept it as fact, and one has to go with it.
something has changed within me, something i can't explain...
today, as i walked with my dad through our subdivision, i saw the changes time has done to it. true, there are familiar faces but nothing is the same. yet, they still are the same. they were the same people i knew when i was a child. those were the same roads i walked when i went to school or chapel, or to my friends house. what changed was that there were more people living in our small subdivision, more houses, new concrete roads and of course, old friends that are near yet so far - so far because you both have grown apart - or old friends that have left the place, and even this world.
change.
i saw my classmates a couple of days ago. although only a few of us met, i had a great time with them catching up and hearing news of everybody else. some got married, some had kids. two are now pilots (one who just graduated), a doctor, a couple of nurses, and so many others. some even have left the country, including one of the friends that live closest to me. my bestfriend is now even on the verge of choosing her specialization in the field of medicine. she chose to practice back home and in a selfish part of me, i feel sad because i won't have her near me once i get back to the city where lived the last couple of years. i feel sad yet so happy for her because now, she is fulfilling her dream.
most friends in college have already left the country for better jobs and advanced schooling. one recently finished defending her thesis and some will follow in the coming months. one is to get married soon. one had a child. one got a new boyfriend she's thinking of getting married to, and one who is dear to me went back home to pursue her career.
so many changes.
i am now (or soon to be) godmother to a cute little girl, the child of my grade school friends. i saw the beautiful baby smile at me and i felt her hand's strong grip on my finger. looking at the child is so thrilling, it lifts something good within yourself. for a moment you wish that you had your own. i did wish it but as i'm a very cautious person, i didn't wish it hard. not now, anyway. there will, as i always believe, time for that. time when i find the right partner for one. at the moment, i will do what i think is right for me.
our house has changed, too. as i was cleaning the bathroom a few days ago, i reminisce about how the house looked like when i was a kid. the bathroom wasn't where it is located right now. when i was a kid, i had to stand on my toes just to be able to put my mouth at the basin when brushing my teeth. today, i realized i was (yet still am) very small, even when i have to bend a little to reach the basin. our balkon before is now part of the main house and forms one of the boundaries of our property. the once front open garden of my mom is a concrete floor for my brother's parking space. the back, which once housed my dad's woods, and a semi-cemetery for our dogs, is now a plot of beautiful, colorful flowers.
so many changes, yes. and more changes are still coming with the new year. this is my last blog for the year and i look back and see all the good things that had come to me this year and all the previous years.
i thank God for all the blessings for i know, in my heart and in my mind, that i am blessed.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
empty - happy but sad
so i'm home and i'm so happy about it. all i did since i arrived here was eat and sleep. if not for the mass this morning with my mom, i wouldn't even know that it is sunday! :D
i love sleeping in my old bedroom. i'm happy about the cable tv. i'm happy about all the food i can eat -- my mom promised me a lechon for new year (although i have to pay for it! LOL). and i'm happy about the books i can read all over again.
what i'm not happy about was not hearing from drifter for a long time. oh i know that he's somewhere where there is signal - i have my ways. he might even be home at texas. i'm just so confused why he's ignoring me. if he wanted a break, he should have told me right away, not keeping me suspended over something i have no idea on. if he wanted a break, he could have said so so i'll stop playing games with my mind. it's driving me crazy, it's driving me mad. i hate being ignored, especially by him, and especially when there were a lot of ways open to him to contact me. i am not happy.
now i'm hiding my sadness with my happiness of being home. it could have been a perfect vacation but i guess you couldn't really have all the good stuff all at the same time.
if this is the end, then i just wish him happiness and i wish peace and strength to move on for myself.
funny thing late this afternoon. i woke up with a start because i got afraid. like i said, eversince i got home, all i did was eat and sleep. well, i dreamt. and guess what i dreamt of? Food! i was eating in my dreams again. isn't that scary? i'm glad i woke up right away... only to find out it was dinner time and i'm eating again! :D
i love sleeping in my old bedroom. i'm happy about the cable tv. i'm happy about all the food i can eat -- my mom promised me a lechon for new year (although i have to pay for it! LOL). and i'm happy about the books i can read all over again.
what i'm not happy about was not hearing from drifter for a long time. oh i know that he's somewhere where there is signal - i have my ways. he might even be home at texas. i'm just so confused why he's ignoring me. if he wanted a break, he should have told me right away, not keeping me suspended over something i have no idea on. if he wanted a break, he could have said so so i'll stop playing games with my mind. it's driving me crazy, it's driving me mad. i hate being ignored, especially by him, and especially when there were a lot of ways open to him to contact me. i am not happy.
now i'm hiding my sadness with my happiness of being home. it could have been a perfect vacation but i guess you couldn't really have all the good stuff all at the same time.
if this is the end, then i just wish him happiness and i wish peace and strength to move on for myself.
***
funny thing late this afternoon. i woke up with a start because i got afraid. like i said, eversince i got home, all i did was eat and sleep. well, i dreamt. and guess what i dreamt of? Food! i was eating in my dreams again. isn't that scary? i'm glad i woke up right away... only to find out it was dinner time and i'm eating again! :D
harrowing hours
i'm finally home.
but before i could get to this point, i had to have a very harrowing couple of hours first. it was almost like a recipe for a disaster but at least, it didn't happen that way!
see, as always, i had not started packing and all i did was what we call basketball packing -- throwing everything you need in a bag at the last minute. then, i had to pack what's left of the things we need to bring home including gifts for our parents and nephew. on top of that, i had to pass by first my cousin's place for the calendars and umbrellas she would give to my grandmothers on my behalf. that was around ten o'clock. but! before i have to do that, i needed to wrap the little gifts i prepared for them. i finished packing and cleaning the house at around 2am.
then, i realized that my sister wasn't home yet and she hadn't packed her things! when she got home and almost finished packing, we realized that our packaging tape wasn't enough to cover the three boxes we need to bring home so she had to run to the nearest convenience store. i was left to print her ticket when unexpectedly, the printer didn't work! it was asking for a new black cartridge. for the last couple of days, we saw that it needed changing already but we never really thought it would give up on us on that particular hour. so went my sister arrived with the tape, she had to go running out again to the nearest computer shop to have her ticket printed. luckily, when she got back with a cab, everything was ready and we proceeded to the airport. this was around 4am. our flight was at 550a. we had to be at the check-in counter in less than 50 minutes.
then, another 'almost' disaster occurred. i heard my sister instruct the cab driver to bring us to the Terminal 3. as i was not really familiar with the way to the new terminal, i let the driver decide where to pass but when we were nearing Terminal 2, i was really having a bad feeling about that. i was deluded into thinking that maybe the driver knows a shortcut through Terminal 2 when he suddenly stopped there. i was really mad because he said that he thought we said Terminal 2 when i specifically heard my sister say Terminal 3. how can one mistake 3 for 2?! and then the driver made excuses that he had just started driving again and that he didn't know that the third terminal was already operational. i was so damned mad because the terminal was already open since early summer. what cab driver wouldn't know that?! argh! the nerve of that driver too, asking for extra php150 for i don't know what! if we weren't just running so late, we would have gotten a new cab when he mentioned that back at the apartment. luckily, we arrived at the airport ten, fifteen minutes before the check-in gates close.
but what did we find out?! the gates were already closed and that there was no place for us on the plane anymore. how can that be when we confirmed our flights and we were booked since early summer? the ladies at the gate told us that for CAB regulations, they were allowed to overbook but what the hell?! it wasn't fair. we bought our tickets so early that we have to have those seats. they said that they were putting us on the 2p flight and will give us free roundtickets for the inconvenience. inconvenience it was for sure, we said and their offer isn't acceptable. what was the use of having the option early on to fly on the earliest flight out when in the end we couldn't get on it and had to wait for the afternoon flight. they reiterated that they'd give us free roundtickets. we were so damn mad that i told the lady that i don't need that ticket because i could easily afford buying it on my own. and to hell with the CAB ruling. we have to get on the plane. okay, they said. they will make a way to get us on that plane. but on the overhead sound system, we heard the boarding call for that flight. still, we kept on waiting and giving nasty glances to those people at the check-in gate. we weren't really sure if we could get on the plane. and imagine, we have three boxes and three bags to check-in. it was all a hassle. finally, and lucky for us, there were passengers willing to trade their seats for the roundtrip tickets the airline was giving away as incentive.
when we got to the plane, we saw that it was really full, mostly from the people who just arrived from their hajj. when i got to my assigned seat, i saw that there was already someone occupying it. another hassle! i had to stand up at the aisle for long minutes until the crew can figure out what happened. it was a surreal moment. i told my sister that it looks like i'm riding a bus and that i might just stand up the whole trip back home! until finally, the attendant approached me and told me that the assigned seat was really mine but the passenger wasn't willing to give up the seat beside his wife. i guess the seat that i was taken to at the back was his.
we delayed the flight for probably 45 minutes and i don't give a damn. i wanted to go home.
the plane took off at past six and we arrived around 8am. flying time was an hour and thirty minutes. it could have been faster except for the fact that the plane was carrying too much cargo as i saw at the baggage carousel. most of the cargo where the bags of those people who just arrived from the hajj. as we were last on the plane, our stuff was brought around with the last cargo car.
yet, i'm finally happy to be home!!!
but before i could get to this point, i had to have a very harrowing couple of hours first. it was almost like a recipe for a disaster but at least, it didn't happen that way!
see, as always, i had not started packing and all i did was what we call basketball packing -- throwing everything you need in a bag at the last minute. then, i had to pack what's left of the things we need to bring home including gifts for our parents and nephew. on top of that, i had to pass by first my cousin's place for the calendars and umbrellas she would give to my grandmothers on my behalf. that was around ten o'clock. but! before i have to do that, i needed to wrap the little gifts i prepared for them. i finished packing and cleaning the house at around 2am.
then, i realized that my sister wasn't home yet and she hadn't packed her things! when she got home and almost finished packing, we realized that our packaging tape wasn't enough to cover the three boxes we need to bring home so she had to run to the nearest convenience store. i was left to print her ticket when unexpectedly, the printer didn't work! it was asking for a new black cartridge. for the last couple of days, we saw that it needed changing already but we never really thought it would give up on us on that particular hour. so went my sister arrived with the tape, she had to go running out again to the nearest computer shop to have her ticket printed. luckily, when she got back with a cab, everything was ready and we proceeded to the airport. this was around 4am. our flight was at 550a. we had to be at the check-in counter in less than 50 minutes.
then, another 'almost' disaster occurred. i heard my sister instruct the cab driver to bring us to the Terminal 3. as i was not really familiar with the way to the new terminal, i let the driver decide where to pass but when we were nearing Terminal 2, i was really having a bad feeling about that. i was deluded into thinking that maybe the driver knows a shortcut through Terminal 2 when he suddenly stopped there. i was really mad because he said that he thought we said Terminal 2 when i specifically heard my sister say Terminal 3. how can one mistake 3 for 2?! and then the driver made excuses that he had just started driving again and that he didn't know that the third terminal was already operational. i was so damned mad because the terminal was already open since early summer. what cab driver wouldn't know that?! argh! the nerve of that driver too, asking for extra php150 for i don't know what! if we weren't just running so late, we would have gotten a new cab when he mentioned that back at the apartment. luckily, we arrived at the airport ten, fifteen minutes before the check-in gates close.
but what did we find out?! the gates were already closed and that there was no place for us on the plane anymore. how can that be when we confirmed our flights and we were booked since early summer? the ladies at the gate told us that for CAB regulations, they were allowed to overbook but what the hell?! it wasn't fair. we bought our tickets so early that we have to have those seats. they said that they were putting us on the 2p flight and will give us free roundtickets for the inconvenience. inconvenience it was for sure, we said and their offer isn't acceptable. what was the use of having the option early on to fly on the earliest flight out when in the end we couldn't get on it and had to wait for the afternoon flight. they reiterated that they'd give us free roundtickets. we were so damn mad that i told the lady that i don't need that ticket because i could easily afford buying it on my own. and to hell with the CAB ruling. we have to get on the plane. okay, they said. they will make a way to get us on that plane. but on the overhead sound system, we heard the boarding call for that flight. still, we kept on waiting and giving nasty glances to those people at the check-in gate. we weren't really sure if we could get on the plane. and imagine, we have three boxes and three bags to check-in. it was all a hassle. finally, and lucky for us, there were passengers willing to trade their seats for the roundtrip tickets the airline was giving away as incentive.
when we got to the plane, we saw that it was really full, mostly from the people who just arrived from their hajj. when i got to my assigned seat, i saw that there was already someone occupying it. another hassle! i had to stand up at the aisle for long minutes until the crew can figure out what happened. it was a surreal moment. i told my sister that it looks like i'm riding a bus and that i might just stand up the whole trip back home! until finally, the attendant approached me and told me that the assigned seat was really mine but the passenger wasn't willing to give up the seat beside his wife. i guess the seat that i was taken to at the back was his.
we delayed the flight for probably 45 minutes and i don't give a damn. i wanted to go home.
the plane took off at past six and we arrived around 8am. flying time was an hour and thirty minutes. it could have been faster except for the fact that the plane was carrying too much cargo as i saw at the baggage carousel. most of the cargo where the bags of those people who just arrived from the hajj. as we were last on the plane, our stuff was brought around with the last cargo car.
yet, i'm finally happy to be home!!!
Monday, December 15, 2008
party
i'm glad i went to the institute's christmas party. the event was great, with everybody participating, even i! :D it's great spending the would-be lonely evening together with friends, especially my graduate class fieldwork mates.
i am glad. and hey, i even got a merlot for my monito! unfortunately, or should i say, fortunately, i don't have a corkscrew at the moment or i would have drunk much of it tonight because of... well, refer to previous blog please. anyways, i might just buy that corkscrew since i damaged/ruined the last one i had.
good evening, guys! merry christmas! :D
oh, before i end this, i would like to congratulate one of my very good friends, we go way back to freshmen year, my blockmate L, for finally! successfully defending her thesis this morning! we are going to PARTY! soon! :D
i am glad. and hey, i even got a merlot for my monito! unfortunately, or should i say, fortunately, i don't have a corkscrew at the moment or i would have drunk much of it tonight because of... well, refer to previous blog please. anyways, i might just buy that corkscrew since i damaged/ruined the last one i had.
good evening, guys! merry christmas! :D
oh, before i end this, i would like to congratulate one of my very good friends, we go way back to freshmen year, my blockmate L, for finally! successfully defending her thesis this morning! we are going to PARTY! soon! :D
confused
i know i shouldn't have been happy when you told me what your myspace account is. now, i can easily track you down. with just one simple line and a simple click, i know what you've been up to... or not.
today, you say you are confused. but hey, who isn't? i guess i'm even more confused than you are. i don't know what you're thinking, i don't know where we're going or if we're even moving forward at all. i hate the feeling. you say you're confused, i say i hate the feeling of being confused more. a friend told me yesterday, it is hard to play mind games with your own mind. it would have been easy to be clueless of what you're up to but with the access i have to your site, i can't help but peek. and i can't help being more confused, and being more angry at me, at you. i guess it's true what they say: what you don't know won't hurt you. i just wished - and now it's too late - that i have never known where online should i look for you. it's the holiday season but total happiness is way out of my reach without you.
i'm beginning to dislike you, as much as i love you. don't, please don't make me feel this way. the only thing i've done to you is love you the only way i can, the only way i know how.
at mass yesterday, the priest asked, why do we endure pain and suffering? the answer is because we hope that after all that pain and suffering, there is a promise of joy. it galls me to think and hope about it but i hope that with you, there is a promise of joy.
today, you say you are confused. but hey, who isn't? i guess i'm even more confused than you are. i don't know what you're thinking, i don't know where we're going or if we're even moving forward at all. i hate the feeling. you say you're confused, i say i hate the feeling of being confused more. a friend told me yesterday, it is hard to play mind games with your own mind. it would have been easy to be clueless of what you're up to but with the access i have to your site, i can't help but peek. and i can't help being more confused, and being more angry at me, at you. i guess it's true what they say: what you don't know won't hurt you. i just wished - and now it's too late - that i have never known where online should i look for you. it's the holiday season but total happiness is way out of my reach without you.
i'm beginning to dislike you, as much as i love you. don't, please don't make me feel this way. the only thing i've done to you is love you the only way i can, the only way i know how.
at mass yesterday, the priest asked, why do we endure pain and suffering? the answer is because we hope that after all that pain and suffering, there is a promise of joy. it galls me to think and hope about it but i hope that with you, there is a promise of joy.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
pang-masa
pang-masa (tagalog): for the masses; relatively cheap
while looking at some wallets at the mall last sunday, i noticed one wallet which relatively looks nice. i might have bought it until i looked at the price - php1900. it was really expensive for that kind of wallet so i told my companion:
"grabe, ang mahal! mas sobra pa sa girbaud! (geez, this is kind of expensive, don't you think? more than what a girbaud wallet costs!!!)"
e kasi naman, ma'am. pang-masa ang girbaud. yan ay imported at galing sa italy!, exclaimed the lady attendant.
i was so shocked by what she said. all i could do was stare at her and looked unbelieving at what she was saying. later, my friend and i decided that we should have told her, "wow, miss! pang-masa talaga. afford mo pala ang girbaud! (wow, miss! really, it's for the masses. i bet you can afford a girbaud.)"
it was really funny. i don't know how pabder does against girbaud but all i know is, girbaud is the most preferred brand. oh well... but yes, i can't believe that lady!
while looking at some wallets at the mall last sunday, i noticed one wallet which relatively looks nice. i might have bought it until i looked at the price - php1900. it was really expensive for that kind of wallet so i told my companion:
"grabe, ang mahal! mas sobra pa sa girbaud! (geez, this is kind of expensive, don't you think? more than what a girbaud wallet costs!!!)"
e kasi naman, ma'am. pang-masa ang girbaud. yan ay imported at galing sa italy!, exclaimed the lady attendant.
i was so shocked by what she said. all i could do was stare at her and looked unbelieving at what she was saying. later, my friend and i decided that we should have told her, "wow, miss! pang-masa talaga. afford mo pala ang girbaud! (wow, miss! really, it's for the masses. i bet you can afford a girbaud.)"
it was really funny. i don't know how pabder does against girbaud but all i know is, girbaud is the most preferred brand. oh well... but yes, i can't believe that lady!
Monday, December 1, 2008
be careful what you wish for
i think i have come to a point where i think i am getting what i wished for and feeling unsure if it's what i really like. it's been a long time since we both had a long talk and this lull in communication, added to our separation, is taking its toll on me. true, i want to be with him but when he's not here, i think twice... and thrice...
i am at a lost. i am not sure how we will be together. i don't know how my family will take him, how my friends will take him. in the beginning, when he's with me, i am sure they'd like him. but lately, when i think of us together, i wonder what they'll say. i was not like this before. i know he is a good person, someone who is easily likeable, someone who can be trusted with one's self. yet i am unsure of us together. is it because i feel that he's shying away from me? is it because for a long time now, i feel he is keeping something from me? i know he is, but i never had felt this strongly before and i fear it might be too important, something that may change how we are. i'm scared but i trust in the Lord to make it right. i am just sad that i can't do anything about it. all i have to do is wait for what's coming, good or bad, hurting or not.
give me strength. why is it they say that in love, the only person who can heal you is the person who has hurt you?
it's crazy, all i can think about today is... will i be the right person for him? or is he the right person for me? crazy, crazy... i just want to stop thinking about it.
i am at a lost. i am not sure how we will be together. i don't know how my family will take him, how my friends will take him. in the beginning, when he's with me, i am sure they'd like him. but lately, when i think of us together, i wonder what they'll say. i was not like this before. i know he is a good person, someone who is easily likeable, someone who can be trusted with one's self. yet i am unsure of us together. is it because i feel that he's shying away from me? is it because for a long time now, i feel he is keeping something from me? i know he is, but i never had felt this strongly before and i fear it might be too important, something that may change how we are. i'm scared but i trust in the Lord to make it right. i am just sad that i can't do anything about it. all i have to do is wait for what's coming, good or bad, hurting or not.
give me strength. why is it they say that in love, the only person who can heal you is the person who has hurt you?
it's crazy, all i can think about today is... will i be the right person for him? or is he the right person for me? crazy, crazy... i just want to stop thinking about it.
sunday reflection
sunday was the first day of advent. advent, a time of waiting for the Lord's coming.
usually, waiting is a time for joy and sometimes, it comes with despair. for example, a couple expecting their baby or a student waiting for the exam's results. yet often in our lives, our waiting is coupled with despair. like the Israelites, their waiting in the desert during their journey to the promise land was in despair.
yet waiting is an important thing in our lives. waiting allows us to "cleanse" ourselves. it allows us to reflect on what we have done and what we ought to do. waiting is also a time to recognize that it is in His hands, whatever we're waiting for. for example, after an example, no matter how much time we reflect on it, the results are up to Him.
yun lang. just want to write it down so i won't forget.
usually, waiting is a time for joy and sometimes, it comes with despair. for example, a couple expecting their baby or a student waiting for the exam's results. yet often in our lives, our waiting is coupled with despair. like the Israelites, their waiting in the desert during their journey to the promise land was in despair.
yet waiting is an important thing in our lives. waiting allows us to "cleanse" ourselves. it allows us to reflect on what we have done and what we ought to do. waiting is also a time to recognize that it is in His hands, whatever we're waiting for. for example, after an example, no matter how much time we reflect on it, the results are up to Him.
yun lang. just want to write it down so i won't forget.
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