I AM CRAZY!

just remembering. it's the end of august so that means, we've known each other officially for four years. wow, four years! well, he says it's about five. i just wonder how he counts the years! :D well, i don't mind as long as he appreciates the idea of knowing each other for years and still be happy with it...

hmmm wow, i was only 23 and he, 25, when we got to know each other. wow! :D it feels like it was eons ago and yet it feels like it was just yesterday! LOL

I AM CRAZY for thinking this way!

manila by picture

one of my favorite shots of manila. this is taken from the plaza in front of malate church...

money matters

i'm kind of broke lately and i guess, it will last for three months. the why's are not important but what is is, how am i going to survive the next few months. easy! live the way i lived when i was just a fresh graduate and an RA at the university - prudently. i survived then, i will survive now.

*****

eons ago, our family had a chance to visit my parents' hometown. it was also the time first time we've met our youngest cousins - Al and Bal (just nicknames). it was obvious that these two kids were intelligent, even at a young age and everyone were very fond of them. one afternoon, when the ice cream man passed by the old house, all of us were able to enjoy our grandfather's treat of ice cream on bread, including the two little kids. however, they didn't have money to buy more snacks for themselves at the nearby sari-sari store so my mother gave them a five-peso bill (remember that? it's the green bill with the raising of the Philippine flag at cavite as its design). my mom told them to share it equally and so they did! with their bright minds, they shared their wealth half and half but wasn't able to buy anything at the store because guess what?!

they cut the bill in two! hating kapatid nga naman! fifty-fifty!

but i guess the story is funnier when told in filipino.

*****

when i was very little, i remember that my mom would always, always avoid bringing me with her when she does her shopping. it was because i always go home pouting if i don't get what i want. i was maldita and perhaps, high-handed. as i grew up, money was not an issue but it was strictly, or should i say prudently, given to us. before getting anything we want, a discussion occurs. why do you need the money when we were given daily allowances and when in high school, we were given a fixed amount for the whole week to budget it however we want. but of course, as i was a crazy kid, i wanted expensive things. things that were worth more than my weekly allowance.

it was a hard road to walk on when i wanted something. luckily, with my persistence, my parents didn't have a choice but to listen to me and most of the time, i'd get what i want. okay, not exactly. most of the time, my parents will agree to buy stuff for me as long as i save for half of it. take for example my in-line skates and walkman. way back in high school, in-line skates were very expensive and i labored into saving for half of it. it took me more than a month to convince my parents that it was safe to be in it, and a couple more months to save up for the fifty percent.

today, i am glad that i learned how to handle money the hard way. today, i don't feel comfortable without my own money in the blank. there is always a limit to my accounts. i don't borrow money from people because i don't want to be in debt (except the credit card which i am now fixing). i may be broke today but not that totally broke and this, i thank my parents for. but most all, i thank God for His blessing because without Him, i might truly be in the real sense of the word --- Broke.

sister's blog

last weekend was a long one and so, my sister decided to really do something to her multiply account. for her first album, she posted pictures of us together at the apartment. it was really sweet. the next day, i woke up pretty late and found her sound asleep. i later found out that she slept at 4am just because she got hooked up on upgrading her account. as i checked mine, i saw in my inbox that she had already posted albums, music, and a blog! hmmm that got me interested and looked at what she'd written. i never thought i would be shocked and i felt more love for her.

"i almost got my sister killed." this was what she had written and i never realized that she had strong memories of this, albeit a twisted one. i never thought we'd share this childhood memory in a way that probably had a very great impact when we were growing up. you see, i never realized that she promised herself that she wouldn't get physical with me. well, okay, there were the moments of hair-pulling but that was nothing to what happened when we were kids that made her think this way.

she talked about how she pushed me off a ledge getting to a playmate at our neighbor's house. the truth was, it wasn't a playmate she was getting to but she just wanted to sit on the ledge. she never pushed me away really, but i was getting off the ledge to let her sit when she accidentally brushed me aside as she excitedly went up. after that, all hell broke loose. i fell and the moment i opened my eyes, the world was turning fast and fast around me, then i felt undescribable pain running the back of my head. i started screaming like there was tomorrow. maybe i thought i was dying, i don't know. but i heard my sister cry out loud and over and over again - "ate, huwag kang mamatay. ate, huwag kang mamatay." my parents where not at home at that time so our neighbor had to rush me to a clinic to have my wound cleaned up. when we got home, i was bald at the back of my head and got four stitches. until now, the back of my head is not perfectly round. when i touch it, i feel that there's a little groove, or edgy part there. anyway, from my sister's blog, this was also another thing that got twisted. she thought i got three stitches on my forehead. i don't know how she concluded that when in fact, i fell backwards. well, a lot of things happened that day and she was just a kid.

i was six and she was four.

events - the last couple of days

new doctor

bestfriend last week received the results of the physician's board exams and she passed! YES! after all the hardwork and panic, she's finally made it. we are all so proud of her! :D

siomao

at a spur of the moment, strat and i decided to accompany our officemates to eat lunch out at chowking. in line, a lady was moving around to take the customers' orders. when she got to me:

chowking lady: what's your order, miss?
me: ummm... can i have the chao fan, with siomao...
chowking lady: ummm you mean, siomai, ma'am?
me: yes... huh?! what did i say, anyway?
chowking lady and strat: siomao!

argh! was i thinking of siomai or siopao? or couldn't my brain (or mouth) get it straight?! bloopers! :D

beggars in the subdivision

i passed by the bank today and since it's just walking distance from the apartment, i decided to walk home. you know, to get some "exercise." as i was walking, i saw a couple of ladies with kids on their arms walking around the street. it was getting dark and i was wondering they weren't at home and each one of them were "stationed" at one gate each. when i neared one of them, i heard them asking from the people of the house for some charity. that got me thinking of a time when i was still at home and there was this badjao lady who asked mama for rice because she just lost her home to a fire. mama was kind so she gave the lady a couple of kilos of rice (there wasn't any shortage of that yet at that time). a couple of months after, the lady came back and asked for food, so mama gave her sardines because she pitied the kids the lady was carrying with her. mama thought that would be the end of it but christmas came and the lady came back to ask for food. this went on for a couple of years. i just don't know if she still passes by but i remember mama giving her clothes too, for her and her kids. i also remember her telling the lady that she should stop this begging because she feels that the lady is becoming abusive of other people's kindness.

back to the present. looking at those ladies begging, i remember that old lady and how she was with my mama. today, i think to myself, the world is getting crazier and crazier each day. we could blame them for their lot in life, but can we really blame them? maybe they made the wrong choices in life and now had to suffer the consequences but isn't it so sad that the country's poverty gets bigger and bigger everyday? truly there is something wrong with our system that more people are underprivileged, with nothing to support them but by begging. maybe i blame more the system than the people. and then i think, maybe they should share the blame. i don't know.

all i know is that i am lucky that my parents made the right choices that led me to where i am now.

as i reached home, i saw a girl knocking on our gate. when i asked what she wants, she asked for some donation for some group or something. i didn't get what she said and i didn't want to ask. i feel strongly, at that time, that this wasn't the right place to ask for money. she didn't even have anything to show as proof of her need. so i said, sorry, i don't have money right now. not even coins, she said. i said none, i have nothing to give you, sorry. well, i'm really sorry but i won't give. i hope God forgives me for being selfish.

last thought is that i'm scared of these people. times aren't the same as it was back then that you could trust, even for a bit, strangers. today, i'm scared of people not from the village going around, pretending to beg or sell something when in fact, they could be "sight-seeing" the places they could "raid" from when the owners aren't around. in my stay at the apartment, i lost a phone when someone took it from my second floor room window. isn't that scary? people go to lengths just so they could take and "save" themselves, and yet not do it in the right possible way. they'd rather steal than work.

feelings - the last couple of weeks

i've been meaning to blog for a long time about so many things but there's some part of me that stops me. i guess it's because i'm feeling quite odd the last couple of weeks. so let me begin this blog by telling you (or myself) what i've been feeling lately....

feelings in the last couple of weeks

i have been lost the last couple of weeks. it probably started with my "dissatisfaction" at work. i felt that i'm not growing anymore. i rarely get any training. the ones we want we can't have because it will cost the company. for trainings, they want something that's for free. in the industry, i doubt there are many of that running around. we didn't see one when we were looking. i have questions in my main work specialization that aren't answered to my satisfaction, and yet i can't blame them because they aren't experts in that field. i carry a big weight on my shoulders as i handle one big project but i feel too small against the responsibilities that go with it. i am scared, and yet i don't know how to ask for help. the ones beside me have problems of their own, too. i know they'd answer my questions but i couldn't take a lot of their time because they have their own deadlines.

and so, in a spur of the moment thing, i updated my monster account and in just a week, i got a reply. a hiring company is willing to discuss a position that's available in the country i want, although it isn't the place i specifically indicated in the resume. when i checked the place, i got to thinking twice about replying because the place they're offering is not a state that have an established industry. in fact, when i checked, it is more of a space and retirement place. until today, i'm still thinking about it. should i reply or not?

i've read somewhere that to lessen the risk of making a wrong career decision, don't accept the first offer that comes to you. thinking back though, after i passed my board exams, i took the first work offered to me. i became an RA for two years and enjoyed it much. when my contract was nearing its end, my present company called me up to offer a position. i accepted that, too. and now, i'm at my wit's end. should i reply or not? will it be a mistake or not? but i've always been reminded that

-you will gain nothing by not doing anything
-the answer is always no when you don't ask
-just try, you have nothing to lose

so what now? it's been almost a month since that email. and then the boss said today, it's okay if you want to move on, if you have a better offer. that is how it is. but if you are still happy here, then stay.

so am i happy? do i want to stay on? these are just some questions running round my mind lately, most especially after i received that email.

schools and wishful thinking

i've also been looking for schools. i want to continue my studies somewhere else. and yet, what makes me stop is the thought that i want a school near him. if that happens, what next? shiet, what a quandary! and will i ever get accepted? is there financial help? that's second shiet!

realization

i realized that i'm a coward. i believe that God will guide me but i'm so scared to put my foot forward. i was like this when i was in college, but not so much as i am right now. am i getting more cautious with age or am i just downright scared? i'm scared to make a mistake. i'm scared of falling on my face. i don't know why but i'm scared.

God, help me, guide me. I'm so lost.

jigsaw puzzle mania

with my starwars 500 pcs, back-to-back jedi vs sith jigsaw puzzle!!!! :D

a gift from my sister, i've labored for months to finish this one. mostly because i didn't have the patience, or to be exact, my eyes didn't have the resistance to finish it in one sitting. yet in fact, jigsaw puzzle works as a therapy for me. it's a practice in patience. luckily, saturday gave me that opportunity to test my patience again. with nothing to do but watch dvds the whole time, i attempted to finish it. it took me until late at night but at last, i placed the last piece in its right position and what great feeling it was! especially since the puzzle is one of my favorites - starwars with obiwan kenobi and yoda on it!!! look at my finish product ---


i've finished glueing it and am now looking for a framing shop to complete it! :D

wasted time

it had been four years that i met someone online who would be a big - not central, but still signicant - part of my life. there had been times in these four years that we would go by without any communications and there would be times that we talk almost every twelve hours per day, daytime my time, and daytime his time. friendship had been the central part of this relationship - not so much in the interests because we both have way different interests, but on the same belief that a friendship works with truth and trust at its core and perhaps, at least, cultural similarities.

eventually, and never was it expected, that a deeper friendship grew, but it did. neither one of us wants to rush things because both of us have obligations - he to his own life, and me to mine. we both have families, careers and goals to pursue. both of us understands and accepts this. it is just a good thing that we are apart because as i always say, if i'm near, i might get into big trouble, and that is one thing that i want to avoid.

i know i am crazy, falling for a guy like that. i will not deny that i'm crazy over him. a friend says for the longest time to let go, but i just can't, and i just won't. call it hardheadedness, if you will. the craziness falls both on falling for his type and still hoping that something will happen in the future, without anyone getting hurt in the process on both our sides.

i will not deny too, that he makes me happy. he's one of the brightest shine in my life especially when i'm down. and i would bet, heavily, that i too, am one of the brightest shine in his life. i can't help but wish and wish and yet my rational mind says it may be wasted time.

wasted time. for four years, i have not seen anyone i would like to pursue as much as i had with him. maybe pursue is not the right term. let's say, i have not met anyone whom i would want to make time for for conversations, and even costly txt messages! well, except for kiwi perhaps. but with kiwi, my infatuation and strong feelings hadn't lasted that long. he was just someone who came and went. fortunately, he left memories that i would lovingly remember, conversations i will never forget. now i wonder, will it really be wasted time? i hope not, but reality seems to say that it is - and it will be. but will i have the courage and the will to stop?

troubled heart and faith

John 14:1-3

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; hvve faith also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I haave told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be."

Isaiah 41:10

"Fear not, I am with you; be not dismayed; I am your God. I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with my righ hand of justice."

saturday affair

this isn't one of my usual saturday thing because frankly, aside from paying the bills, i don't get out much on the weekends. you could even say that i am just a homebody. others may call it laziness. but to me, it's a time to be on my own, to do what i need more: catch up on sleep and rest. this is the same reason why i don't bring work at home. anyway, i still have a thesis to worry about because i couldn't (or wouldn't?) make time for it.

thesis, upcat and cake

speaking of thesis, i decided to work on it again starting this first saturday of august. yet, the powers that be had prevented me from doing that. i have forgotten that during the university's national entrance examination, all buildings in the campus are closed as they are being used for the thousands of students taking the exams. too bad i wasn't able to start that today. i desperately need to do it NOW!

and then, yesterday, i wanted to eat a cake and remembered that one of my friends will be celebrating her birthday today. and so as to appease my craving and still be able to give a gift, i ordered devil's food cake at the chocolate kiss at the campus which will be picked up --- Today! at 12nn! you know what's wrong with this? it's another thing that i've forgotten -- traffic at the campus! reminds me that i no longer am in touch of the goings-on in the campus. anyway, to be able to pick up the cakes on time, i decided to walk to the cafe. fortunately, i brought my umbrella with me because it was raining!!!

you might be wondering why i didn't wait for the traffic to lighten up before going back home at noon today. that was because i was running late! i had to leave the house by 130pm so i can arrive on time at the ccp to meet up with my friend (the one who's celebrating the birthday) to watch cinderella. the most exciting part of it, aside from giving the cake, was going to see a musical in a dress! LOL and such a pretty dress it was, too! :)

cinderella

i totally loved cinderella. while watching it, i realized that it was really meant for kids or kids at heart. the show was very light-hearted and beautifully made. i so admired the set - mostly in blue, purple and yellow lighting, colors that show perfectly, the magic in the play. and i liked the message the fairy godmother said when cinderella talked about dreams and wishes. the godmother said that it is not alright to dream alone. we had to be active to fulfill the things we need to fulfill. we shouldn't spend all our time in dreams. but then again, if we don't dream, we have nothing because everything starts with a dream. in one of the songs, they say that impossible things happen everyday.

and oh! lea and the prince were really great! same as with the stepmother and stepsisters. they were so funny. actually, the whole crew was amazing! the chorus, the principal characters and the orchestra. would really want to watch it again! :)

now i just wish i had the courage to move on, and realize My dreams!

what a saturday this was!