a child's sweetness

it's been two days and i can't seem to remove the image of a child asking me to carry him --

mr. pumpkin was such a little beauty in his pumpkin costume last tuesday. he was sociable, he was lovable. when asked what his name was, he answered in his cute little voice --

"mr. pumpkin."

and after he finished getting his treats, he said in his cute little voice again -- "bye, bye, people."

cute little kid... makes you want to have a child like that, someone who is not afraid to meet new people, someone who is easily liked.

as i went down the stairs of the office after office hours, mr. pumpkin was there. i greeted him, and he said "Kiss."

"what, you want to kiss me?" Yes, was his reply and proceeded to kiss me and hugged me at the same time, conveying his desire for me to carry him. It was a sweet joy carrying that kid and enjoying his full trust in me, that he'd let me, a virtual stranger, carry him. luckily, his mom and dad know me so there was no problem with that.

"i'm going home now, mr. pumpkin. would you like to go home with me?" Again, his reply was "Yes." It was such a lovely thing for him to say that. He was so sweet. And he kissed me again.

Inside the van, as we were readying to go home, Mr. Pumpkin came to wish us a safe trip home, carried by his papa. "Bye, bye, people. See you again next time. Close the window (of the van."

*Sigh* Such sweet little boy. One day, I'll have one myself, one as cute as him and as intelligent as him... :D --- I hope!

love - intense and passionate

Jesus only gave two commandments. One is to love God and from it comes the second, love your neighbors.

How does one love? More to the point, how does one love like Christ, passionately and intensely? For love burns, like His sacred heart. In church today, Fr. J would have wanted us to change our view of what is heaven, what is hell. For him, with God's love, with Christ's passion, heaven is fire, and hell is cold. Fire spreads while cold stifles us.

People love differently. Some of us love reluctantly. Some of us love passionately. And some of us love in the middle. Reluctant love -- love that is halfway... Passionate love -- love that transcends all... Middle love -- a calculated love, where every step of the way is thought of, every step making it closer to our goal and still keeping a part of us to ourselves just in case it will never work -- a kind of self-preservation thing...

There were only two questions for reflection. Think of a person that you love reluctantly or halfway. And think of that person whom you love with intensity and with passion, giving your all, without fear of rejection. For it is only in giving one's self up to love that one can achieve something great.

for the sake of argument

phrase of the day

devil's advocate: someone who takes the worse side just for the sake of argument

*****

being the devil's advocate, a friend asked me what i'll do if ever drifter and i won't end up together. that's a scary thought and a hurting one, and for the life of me, i do not know what to say. i guess i'm really holding on to this. after all, too much time, effort and emotions were already exerted on this.

i just wish i don't end up broken-hearted.

change your mantra

from the author of the book Eat, Pray, Love, elizabeth gilbert at Oprah's show, gave three things that can help us achiever inner peace... or something akin to contentment... or knowledge... or acceptance. whatever it was, it would supposedly give you a "happier" life.

the first thing to do:

every morning, ask yourself what you really, really, really want. really must be repeated three times so that it would reflect the importance of that want or need. if it doesn't come to you today, then try the next... and the next... you'll know when you get there.

the second thing to do:

every evening, write down what made you happy today. one sentence is enough.

the last thing to do:

change your mantra. mantra may be defined as a sacred thought or a prayer. people keep on saying that they are stupid, they are lazy, they are jerks. if that is what they aspire to become, then that is their mantra. if you want to be something else, change your mantra... hmmm... so what is mine?

i could start a whole new blog containing only these, written once a day. but for now, i would like to write down my answers to the three questions:

1 what i want: to be clear on what i have to do with my life
2 what made me happy today: dinner with my sister
3 i am courageous and will take risks

:D

dreaming of lost shoes

it's been a long time since i've remembered any, or part, of a dream that i just had. the last time was of a turquoise ring on my finger which i believed was mine - for a time. as dreams come, change of scenes often happen and when mine did, there was a middle eastern person (typical of those selling jewelries) told me the ring wasn't mine, but just something i was transporting for someone... oh well... it was good while it lasted.

last night, i dreamed of lost shoes. there was this big new bank and my friends and i decided to come inside to see for ourselves new atm technologies. everybody went to their own atms while i looked around. i saw this huge machine and decided to try it out. it was kinda cool because you don't have to insert the card on the slot but just put it on the card tray and a sounding will tell you if your card was accepted. i was confused for a time but i was able to withdraw money from it -- as far as i know.

as we were walking back out of the bank to the ride stop, i realized that i was only on my socks! i realized then that i removed my new black shoes (the one i was wearing at work) before approaching the big machine. why, i don't know. when i got back to that area, my shoes were gone and we couldn't find it. so i guess i went home in my white socks!

weird.

seize the day

CARPE DIEM.

it was a long time since i heard these words. i am away from the jesuits a little too long. today, it gave me hope. it strengthened me.

i thank God for giving me friends who can strengthen me. i have been a worrisome lately. people say i need a new environment and i just don't know where to find it. going away from town for a couple of days doesn't help anymore.

CARPE DIEM to all the things i have to do. Live for the moment. It's good to plan ahead but not at the cost of being so stressed at Today. Life shouldn't be of regrets. Mistakes are acceptable but not regrets. Risk -- for it is only in risks that you learn more of yourself, to gain more, to live more. Take risks even if it scares you. Living for the moment means to take risks.

Yet, I am scared. Instead of becoming more confident as i grow old, i became more worrisome. I hate that about me. I envy friends who can take risks. I am just way too scared to do it. And yet, this is why I thank God for strengthening me through friends. I need Him badly and He's here.

Amen.

scared

i killed a snake today --- and it scared the hell out of me.

as i was closing the back door of the apartment, i noticed a worm-like creature lying atop the bathroom's floormat. curious as i was, i looked at it for the longest until i realized this worm is kinda different from the usual ones i see. slowly, my heart began beating fast as it dawned on me that this is a baby snake! the skin was different, it looked different, and within me, it felt different. it moved itdifferently. it scared me!

i suddenly stood as it started moving towards the bathroom. i ran away, not knowing what to do. i'm scared it might bite my feet or wrap itself around one of my little toes. imagine, this was just a little snake, about two and a half inch long and probably two millimeters wide, yet it made me run scared. i don't know what to do but i know i have to kill it before it goes inside the drainage. i can just tell you a story in one of the far off islands in the country where they lost water supply only to find out that a snake grew inside their underwater pipeline! i can't have that happening to the drainage of our bathroom so i had to act fast. it was moving fast!

i put on my sister's sneakers, grabbed my slippers, hoping to crush it to death. yet i can't do it. i was scared going near it, thinking it would move in it's snakelike movements towards me and bite me. that was why i put on the sneakers. second solution was to spray it with an insect repellant. it made matters worst. it probably got affected as it was moving more furiously now. in a little while it stopped. i thought it was dead. i stared at it, hoping it to be dead when it moved again -- but this time slowly... and then faster! oh no! how are we going to kill it??? it's moving towards the drainage again now. luckily, the pail covered the drainage hole so it can't get past through it fast!

finally, we thought -- hot water! my sister heated some water fast and when it's done, handed me the pot. she can't do it so i'll have to pour it down on the poor snake (yuck, what's poor about it?). when i poured the hot water on it, it just stopped moving and was stiff right away - or so i think. at least, this time i am sure it's dead. i may be cruel to that creature but i'm thinking of our safety first. what if it grows up and kills us? wrap itself around us and crush us until our breath stops and our bones crushed. i can't let that happen so i killed the baby snake.

i killed the snake because i'm totally scared of it.

i hate reptiles!

shuttle service

these are not daily sessions but whenever R and i get to seat next to each other at the office's morning shuttle service, there are moments that all we could talk about is life in general and how God is present in it.

today, we happened to talk (again) about the uncertainty of moving on. amazingly, we share the same sentiments. it's our third year now in the company. is it time to move on, or stay? we've thought before that it will either be go on on the third year, or stay for five years. now, we are at that crossroad. i admit, i am at that crossroad. i ask myself: have i gained more in the past three years (yes, although not as much as i'd like to, based on a couple of friends who works in the same industry as me with the same number of years of experience), will i still gain more if i stay, or would it be better if i move on? if i move on, will everything be alright? will i improve or stay stagnant, just the same?

it is also a question of, am i ready to move on? is this the right time, or am i just running away from what i don't like in my present place? if i move, will i leave the unpleasantness behind altogether or just move on to a greater one? the greatest question is: will i be competent enough to compete with my contemporaries?

and lastly, more importantly, it's a question of, is this the will of the Lord. i've been asking for something better but is this it? i fear moving on, that is true. is this mainly because i am in my comfort zone, that i'm afraid of trying out new things? is this God's way of telling me that this is the moment to move on? or is He telling me, this is your place that is why you are comfortable here? how do one person know what God truly wills?

sister asked me a while ago when told about my dilemma, "are you listening to God?" but how do I listen? who can teach me? how? if it's the appearance of this chance His way of talking, then is this the time to listen? or is this what my sister says, sometimes it's the man who does the thing and since it's already done, He just lets it be....

what am i going to do? how do i listen to His will?

as Samuel said, "Here I am, Lord." but how am i to hear His voice?

Lord, guide me for i am lost... Amen.

work and God

this blog has been a witness to my discontent with the policies of the company i'm working for (and sometimes, the boss and work itself). i'm here again to write about new developments. what will be, will be. what comes, will come.

a couple of days ago, a friend called me up and asked me to prepare my resume as he knew someone who's looking for someone of our profession. from what he said, the setup will be good. i'm not sure if it will be a right move to go on, but if it is, it will buy me time.

TIME. I realized that what i need is TIME to accomplish all my goals...

and this is the chance, the moment.

when i realized what i'd be getting if ever i join that group, it seemed a good prospect all of a sudden. it may not be the ideal job but it will do if all i wanted was time. if it pushes through, i will have time to finish my thesis, time to travel and most of all, time to de-stress. sister said i should pray for it. what if God already knew what i need and this is the chance He is giving me? all i need to do is BELIEVE that it is His will and to have FAITH in His faithfulness to His flock. He plans for our own good. Jeremiah 10:23 says:

"I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,
that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps."

What now?

If this pushes through, i may also have time and space to be near drifter. Is this God's will? It seems that things are falling into place, and it all seems to be at the right time. Lord, let it be this moment now. Let me know that it is.

Que sera, sera.

kindergarten and boys

in early grade school, i was kind of a star because of my brother. the adjoining school was an all boys school and for sure, there were plenty of cute guys. every afternoon, my brother, who was six years older than me, was tasked to pick me up at school. as i get off earlier than him, i spend my time playing with my classmates. i'll know when my brother has come to pick me up when most of the kids stop playing and start staring at the gates. there, you could see a group of cute, young sixth graders lounging at the gate looking around. all i have to do then was grab my bag, run to them, hand them my bag and walk as if i'm their princess and they are my personal bodyguards. as a young kid, i didn't mind this at all. only when i got a little bit older that i came to realize that i was pretty lucky to have such great guys escorting me home. i must have been envied by a lot of older girls back then! LOL today, one of those guys is a dentist, a navy officer, and a teacher.

the Lord is good!

Life has always been good. It is because the Lord is always with me and my family.

I am grateful for everything i have. As i look around me, i always feel grateful that i've been very blessed. Blessed to have a strong family: wonderful parents, good brother and sister, great uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins; blessed to have a good education, happy home, good friends. I have most of what i want. All these, the Lord has provided.

When I was a kid, i got to school with new things every year: new uniforms, shoes, bags. Although our tuition weren't paid in full, it was paid on time. We get to take the exams on time. I had good teachers (mostly) and every adversaries that had come my way during my grade school years, i had good friends and great parents to support me every step of the way. There are plenty of things that had been ingrained in my mind as a young kid. Some were fun, some were not. I got to take piano lessons, join the choir as an alto, graduate as valedictorian. Yet these were also complemented by not so good experiences: a couple of teachers backbiting me when i went against them during the student elections, teachers calling me imbostero (liar) as a way to discredit/insult/make fun of my name and teachers who didn't believe that i can do good. I know these things hurt my parents, especially my mom. I went into a state of depression for weeks that almost made my parents decide to transfer me to another school on my last year in grade school. But with God's grace, and my parents and loyal friends, i overcame all these. I came out of that experience with deeps scars and although i didn't win the elections, i won in more ways than one. today, i'd guess i'm more than what my teacher detractors may have expected of me.

in high school, everything went smoothly. i stayed off teachers, maintaining always a student-teacher relationship (hmmm this may be the reason why i have never really fallen for a teacher, unlike my other classmates). i made new great friends, maintained good old ones. i fell in love. i prayed for that guy but nothing happened between the two of us. my prayer was always, if he is the right one, let us be together. i guess God said, no. :) i am lucky, i could never ask for more. we didn't have much money but we were able to attend all school functions and have dresses for the junior-senior prom. my sister and i always had someone to bring us to school in the morning and someone to pick us up in the afternoon, same as when we were still in grade school. i remember that time in grade school when our school, which was just beside the cathedral, had a bomb threat. the school closed and every parents were called to come and pick up their children from school. we didn't have to wait for long. my father and his driver came to pick us up right away.

in college, i got to go to school away from home, unlike my other classmates. i was to have a better education. i gained new experiences, new lasting friends, a career path. i am forever grateful that never once have i experienced downright poverty. funds were more than a little bit tighter than what we were used to but i survived. i had a scholarship that provided for my allowance for two years, i had an education plan that paid for my tuition and i had my parents for 24/7 support. God was always there to guide me, to wake me up during crunch times. He was the one who gave me strength. i didn't get sick very often, although i felt lonely at times. i got to go home almost every break. i hadn't had any major accidents. i never even really had a need to look for a part-time job just to augment my daily needs. God has provided me with everything. He is great!

after graduating from college, one of my greatest wish was to be able to travel abroad. six months after i got a job, i went to the uk. He listens to prayers!

today, may this writing of mine be a testimony to His greatness. amen!