in town - birds and local market

yes, this is still not the end of my blog. i just divided them into three parts.

so there we were, walking past the armored tank and soldiers, going towards the local market when we noticed the birds in the electric lines. my dad had to tell us to walk faster or we would get poop on our heads. my mom and i couldn't just believe how many birds were there, sitting on those wires! granted that this is a phenomena in the city for a long time now, but everytime we see it, it just feels so weird (and scary sometimes). my mom said that it was even featured in a tourism story on tv -- about how one visitor has to notice the birds lining up in the wires along and across the streets. it is just so unbelievable. i even noticed that part of the streets smell of guano already. maybe in a few decades if this does not stop, the accummulation of their poop may give us a source of methane gas! :D

anyways, what i really wanted to talk about was how early it was when were there (just a little after 5 in the morning and still dark) at the market and how amazing the produce are. just lying there on the streets, over old tarps, are the day's freshest produce sold at really low prices! i would suggest that those who visit the city come here early to buy their vegetables before flying off to home or their next destination (sort of being in Baguio and you just had to buy your vegetables before leaving for Manila). it was really a grand adventure with my parents and i'm glad i got to discover this again of my hometown - zamboanga.

in town - armored tank

but my story doesn't end there!

after the mass, my parents decided to go to the local open market to purchase the vegetables we will need for this Christmas eve's dinner. leaving the cathedral, the first thing i noticed was that McDonald's, which was just across the cathedral (we only have a two-lane street), was already open and there were just so many people converging in that area. i noticed then the native dishes sold by some early entrepreneurs. sometimes, seeing these things make me realize that this habit is very Filipino, and not just confined to the people of the north -- after a misa de gallo, people feast on native dishes like bibingka, puto bumbong or suman. this event just makes me really feel like i'm at home and i'm glad i was able to feel it today.

anyway, the biggest surprise maybe, was finding the army's armored tank beside McDonald's and several military guys with their full gear on guarding the streets. then it hit me again. with all the tranquility inside the church, there is still danger outside. though the city do not suffer terrors such as suffered by our neighboring islands, it is still always good to be on guard. though sometimes realization make you feel scared, it's better than not being prepared at all. when i gave this comment to my mom, she told me that we ought to be grateful for these men for standing guard over us. i do not have any objections to that. i am grateful that they are there, protecting us, even giving up a good morning sleep for us. i write this in hope that others who read this blog, also give the soldiers the thanks they deserve. granted that some people in the military are corrupt and without morals, we cannot let go of the fact that there are still men and women in the service who are honorable -- those who do their jobs because they love our country. i believe in those men and women and it is to them that i am grateful.

misa de gallo

today i attended with my parents my first and only misa de gallo this year. when i was back in manila, there was never a chance to attend the misa de gallo, even the anticipated one. it's for simple fact that in the evenings, i had errands to do in my last week in town and in the mornings, i'm afraid to go alone on my own. yet today, my mom woke me up at the unholy hour of 315 am so we can attend the 415 mass at the cathedral. i thought we were so early but when we arrived there, we had to grab any monoblock chairs we can outside the cathedral. if you've seen the cathedral here in zamboanga, it's really huge. that shows you how many still believes in Christ and really do celebrate Christmas.

the cathedral however wasn't decorated much except for the symbolic belen. my mom said that the bishop didn't want much pomp in the cathedral, in light of what happened to our brothers and sisters who were inundated by natural calamities near the end of the year. come to think of it, i heard in the news yesterday that a large area in both makita and pasay city burned to the ground yesterday; that means, people living there had to celebrate their Christmas in the streets because they have nowhere to go to and they have no money. this is a terrible time for them and i cannot be sad for them. on the other hand, burning to the ground an area occupied by informal settlers could give the government an opportunity to rebuild that area that gives those who live there a more "dignified" (can't find the best word, sorry) place to live in. just my two cents. well, back to my misa de gallo story.

so there we were, sitting outside the cathedral, listening to the priest. the homily teaches us about appreciation and expression of our gratefulness to the good things that are shown to us. we should never forget to say Thank You and I Love You.

but mind you, the choir was so horrible (or was it just the acoustics?). i can't help but notice the grating noise they make sometimes (especially the high pitched one) and they make me wince sometimes. the choir loft was wasted on them. i can't help but wonder also if the organ they were using was the same one that we used whenever we have our Friday mass in my grade school years. if that's true, the organ is older than me by give or take ten years? amazing!

and while i am writing this, all i can think of is being grateful to be able to attend this last misa de gallo with my parents. thank you God and happy birthday, Jesus!

finally

i. am. finally. home.

i love it!

new moon

new moon by stephenie meyer

if there was one reason why i'd be watching new moon, it would be because i would like to see the wolf. in the trailers, he actually seems good-looking and cool. last night, i got the chance to watch the movie with my sister and yes, jacob black is so hot and so cool! i say this, based only in the movie, because i have never read the books yet. i don't know how his character in the books really is. lea said he is not that cool because he was really obsessive about the female lead. well anyway, i do not wish to discuss his character as i only know little and it's only based in the movie. what i can say is that it showed that he loved bella and he'd do anything to protect her and keep her safe regardless of his own safety. who wouldn't wish for a guy like that, right?

as the movie progressed, i just can't help but laugh though, about most of the girls' reaction towards jacob's great body or edward's "good" looks. it was kind of weird to hear college girls cry out like that, like they were still in high school, or as if they're just going to die at that spot because of those two guys. as for me, okay, i really did appreciate jacob's overall physical attributes and i like his character there so if they'd ask me for a vote, he'd get mine hands down! hahaha! :) i hope i could see him in more movies soon.

just another thought, though. how come Black is the most favored name for a canine in the movies? think jacob black and sirius black.

crying over you won't fix whatever it is that's going wrong between us. i just need to write this down for now so i can get it off my chest and hopefully help myself  move on. yoiu know i hate fighting in whatever form it is and i can't help but think dark thoughts. that is not what or how i want myself to be. i want to be happy but being away from you like this now isn't making me happy.

why do you ignore me? how do you go on ignoring me? you once said why do i think this way, we were supposed to be happy. but how are we supposed to be happy when you ignore me and when you do deign to talk to me, that is only to say that you are sorry because you have been a rebel and had been seeing someone else and that for a while, you have forgotten about me. was that what you mean by happy? maybe we do have a different idea of what being happy means. how can you ask me on why i do think that way, that you are ignoring me. aren't you, aren't you?

over the years, i have been telling myself to stop hanging on to you but i'm weak. i haven't done it and i'm crawling my way through it. you make me sad. you make me cry. you make me long for something better but all i see about better times is still with you. i can't help it and i hate it. you make me hope but i know it's hopeless. you don't want to be happy with me, you don't make that effort with me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, too.

pahabol

tang-ina mo, pare! ayaw kong maghabol pero baliw ako sa iyo at ginagawa mo akong tanga! ginawa mo akong isang sirang plaka na tumutugtog pa rin ng paulit-ulit kahit sira na dahil sa gusto mo lang tumugtog ito. ganun naman tayo di ba? paulit-ulit na lang tayo sa ganito at walang pinanghahantungan. nakakapagod na pero bakit ganun? kahit pagod na ako, umaasa pa rin ako. ayaw na kitang habulin pero hindi... hindi ko mapigilan dahil mahal kita. gusto ko pa rin malaman kung may pag-asa pa nga ba tayo kahit na alam ko na iniiwasan mo na ako. hindi ba katangahan iyon? matalino naman ako, ah. nagmumukha lang akong tanga pagdating sa iyo. alam kong ayaw mo na sa akin pero bakit di ko mapigilang ipilit ang sarili ko sa iyo? tang-ina mo talaga, pare! puede bang diretsahin mo na ako? saktan mo na ako ng todo-todo para isahan na lang please. isang bagsakan na lang at pagkatapos noon ay wala na. mangyayari kaya iyon? sa palagay ko ay hindi pero libre ang mangarap. naisip ko lang, kung sinaktan mo ba ako ng todo-todo ay mapapalitan ang pag-ibig ko ng galit sa iyo, o hindi? sabi nga sa isang pelikulang napanood ko, hindi kita minahal ng sobra para pagtuunan pa kita ng galit (o pagkamuhi).

yun lang. grabe pare, ang sakit ha! nakakabwisit ka na....

a missed call ruined it all

it had been months since i've felt this way. it was a long journey for me to accept that he is no longer with me. at times, i still have hope that there'd be a way for us to be together but lately, i have come to accept that maybe there isn't any. i was able to cut the times that i think of him, or looking over his picture, or find out what's going on with him thru his myspace.

but yesterday's anonymous call changed that.

it had almost been a year since he last called. he is not the only one who could have called me from outside but i would have known if some friends had been calling because i know, they'd let me know once i missed their call. but this one was different. nobody told me they were calling so i am assuming that it was him and no one else. it took me hours before i got the guts to ask him about the call but he never gave any indications that he did. so i realized (again!) that he wants nothing to do with me anymore.

that hurts.

and i feel so pathetic because i thought i was able to let go and now i realize that i haven't yet -- not totally. now i wonder how one really gets over things like this. you fall in love, get your heart broken, then love again. how does one accept the pain? how does one go on? i guess we can all go through life as it was before but it is never the same, never. little things can remind you of that person in the most unexpected ways. no wonder people become so bitter.

i want to let go though i don't know if i can in the way that i want it to be. i can never erase the conversations, laughters, and time spent with him in the past years, nor can i ever forget.

i just want to know. is he so drowned in his sorrows that he has forgotten the people he has made promises to? i am angry but i am sad for him, too. i know that i want him, that i pray for him but i guess, he doesn't know what he wants or how he should get it, and that is the sad part.

i am again depressed because... just because... because i let him in again in my heart and in my head. it was well past time that i forget him but that one anonymous call ruined everything. one missed call and i'm again a mess.

morning session

this morning, i had to go to school to help a friend learn a software that he's been having a problem with. as we do not have complete data samples, we were just able to go through the surface. i just hope he got something out of the two hours we had at the lab. after that, i was able to talk him into treating me out to lunch where we were able to discuss office concerns. i was relieved to know that i am not the only one who feels that way about my boss. although it is bad to be happy about someone's misery, i am just glad that i have someone close share the same problem with me. yes, we both feel that our boss do not like us and it shows in how he treats us sometimes. what we decided was that, the only thing we could do to change it was to move out of the office permanently. hopefully, as we are just biding our time, we could do that soon. for our peace of mind.

***

watched hurt locker and (500) days of summer. they were both good!

***

LSS: "it's the lover, not the love, who broke your heart last night. it's the lover, not the dream, that didn't work out fine."

volunteerism

i promised myself that i'd volunteer. i'm glad i did. we finished packing 1,000 packs of relief goods in just under three hours. how is that for a productive afternoon? :)

...is singing...

"di na natuto...."

(just never learned...)

damn... :(

ondoy provision

army food in stock

ondoy was raining hard last saturday and we were stuck at the laboratory. our labmate and friend was worried about us that he had to call and tell us that there were food and sleeping bags littered at the lab, just in case we had to stay the night. and oh! we have army food there, just look for it, he said. we found it but didn't have the need to eat it. yet it was nice that it was there in case we starve!

ondoy on monday

ondoy has almost left us but all aids are just coming in. relief goods were being asked and volunteers being sought. as an office person, i had an obligation to go to work. when i got there, there were only two of us in the department, plus the boss. all others in the department were affected by the rains and the flood. three of them lived in areas most affected by the flooding. one had to carry her baby in waist-deep floodwater one kilometer along to reach higher grounds where her other relatives live. they left everything in their house. my other elder had half his car flooded. the other one, we had no news. yet yesterday, his sms said they were okay.

other stories from our building circulated as well. one officemate below our floor is losing his van. it was carried away by the water. the three cars of one of our managers, who lived in this subdivision where the flood reached the second story level, is totally ruined. one of the aunts of another officemate died in the flood.

everyone has a sad story to tell.

but there was a funny story as well. one of my officemates went to the market to see that the bangus was cheap. apparently, the risen water level of the lake caused the fish to flow and easy to catch. there was no electricity to preserve the fish so he was able to buy 1o kilos for 20 php/kilo. talk about hunger!

then yesterday, one of my friends confirmed that their apartment, which was just a block away from us, was flooded. as she was the only adult in the house with her two kids, she had to do everything. she recalled that when she saw the water coming in, she was so panicked that she was able to lift their refrigerator all by herself! it was just adrenaline pumping through her system. according to her, it was only today that she had finished washing all their dirty wet clothes! but what amazed her more was that the barangay officials came in to see them for a while and when they returned, there was already a bag of relief goods for them. the children, who didn't have any idea how scary it was last saturday, were just too excited to receive their gifts and just wanted to eat everything at once. talk about the resilience of kids. i'm just glad that they weren't traumatized. thank God.

tonight, i am writing this so i could remember the pains and joys that ondoy has brought. i just wish that the filipino could keep the spirit of bayanihan going and to find relief and joy amongst the difficulty and pain ondoy has brought us.

ondoy

it's been a couple of days since the fury of ondoy has struck metro manila. for some, little had happened to them yet for many, it has brought destruction, fear, and even paranoia to such unreasonable depths.

"just don't tell if i'm dying coz i don't want to know... (playing in the background)"

as for me, saturday was supposedly a simple day that would start with a class in the morning, dentist appointment in the afternoon, and partying in the evening. the venue for the party was at school so along with my laptop, i have brought all the stuff needed for the party which were stored at my house. it was dark and raining when i left the house. little did i know that it would lead to anything so herculean in dimension, incomprehensible to my mind. how could just a simple, non-stop rain cause so much destruction. i would then later see the answer to that in the afternoon. enconsed in the four walls of the classroom, we didn't realize how much the rain had been pouring and how the sky turned darker nor how much the wind howled. little did we know.

after class at noon, we decided to stay for a while at school, hoping the rain would stop eventually. it did not and we had to cancel the party. reports were all coming in now; the rain might go on throughout the day and there were floods surroundign us. later, i got a message from my dentist cancelling my appointment. another call came through, this one coming from one of our older labmates, one who is like a brother to us. he said we need to stay put because it's not safe going outside with the heavy, heavy and not strong, rain. we have provisions at the lab in case we needed to stay overnight and sleeping bags, and 'oh! army food,' he said. i called my sister and she provided me with an update of what's happening in the outside world. people were now on their roofs, asking to be rescued. at first, it was astonishing even that a famous actress has gone up to her roof. it was a shock that fame cannot help you when fighting the elements. we realize that we are equal against a common enemy, which is nature. anyways, with all these things coming to us, E and i decided to look in on the net for updates. by late afternoon, we already have an idea of what was happening. we saw people walking in chest-deep waters, cars being carried by high velocity waters, people on the roofs, people crying over the telephones during interviews on tv. it was such a mess, and it was heartbreaking.

at first, i just wanted to go home to enjoy the cool winds brought by the rain, with a book in my hand and hot choco beside my bed. late in the afternoon, with the rain raging on and giving lots of things to worry about, i just really wanted to be home -- safe.

it was also kind of sad at first because i have been down lately. i felt that he didn't care for my welfare. he must have heard the news of what's happening but i have never received any messages from him. i felt down and it made me want to cry. never mind that i didn't have phone coverage for hours already. it was just heartbreaking. then i decided to call my sister to see how she was and to inform her i was okay. the sound of her voice on the phone, her gladness to know that i was okay, to know that she worried made my heart lighter. my spirit lifted, even just for a bit. i left her my number just in case anything comes up. yet, not even an hour has passed when E answered the phone and told me i have a male caller. who could it be? i was not expecting anyone to call me. i was deeply puzzled until i answered the call: hello? who's this? 'hey, it's your papa, dalaga! we were worried about you. we couldn't contact you for a long time. it's scary on tv. are you okay?' yes, i'm okay, i said and i was happy. i assured him that everything is fine and we said our goodbyes. then just a few minutes later, another call came through. it was for me again and it was my brother. he said he was worried because of what he saw on tv and he couldn't contact me for some time. like with my dad, i assured him i was safe at school and would be staying put. after all those calls, i felt loved. loved so much by my family. i guess, maybe, never mind about him. i have a family who loves me and that is more important. but how much nicer could it be for him to call me, to worry about me. sigh, never mind. until now, he hasn't called. that's the sad truth of that.

I FEEL LOVED. PERIOD. AND GRATEFUL.

E and I, and her husband, ended up staying the night at the lab. with nothing to do, i was able to sleep early. however we stationed our sleeping arrangement at the lab, and whatever the circumstance was, i surprisingly had a pleasant sleep. i'm grateful for that. waking up early in the morning, i decided to go straight to church. it was a pleasant way to start another day. one so much different from the day before. it was raining, yes, but it was not like it was the day before. i went home and i saw how abs-cbn had immediately set-up a fund raising campaign for all those affected by the flood. i am not much of a fan of kris but how she handled that campaign was amazing. kudos to her! she made competition look so good and all for the sake of charity. i am so much impressed. you could either hate her or love her. she's such a mean bully and i'm saying this in an impressed way. no insult meant, just admiration.

"i wanna feel... i want the sunburn just to know i'm alive..."

i love my margarita!

so to end a very tiring day for us, C from her hospital duties and me from my lunch date with high school friends (and add a little bit of mindless window shopping), the two of us decided to try out the new mexican resto near our place.

we liked the food but we bow to the margarita!

this is C's:

and this is mine!

YUMMY! I'm Happy! We are Happy!

old watch

excited to bring home my old watch with a newly replaced machine! four more weeks to go! :D

little things that make you happy

i was heartbroken a couple of weeks ago prior to our departure to bangkok. my timex watch stopped and when i asked the service center to replace the battery, i was told that the machine isn't working anymore. the watch had been with me for more than eight years now and i just couldn't just let go...

last sunday, because i'm stubborn, i went to another shop of timex to ask that the batteries be replaced. same thing, the machine isn't working, they said. i was so crestfallen when suddenly, the technician suggested that 'why not have the machine be replaced?' i immediately asked (with probably very excited, wide eyes) if it really can be done and they said yes, but they had to send the unit to their main office and it would take months to have the machine replaced. my goodness! i don't care how long i'd wait as long as i can still use it again. beats the crap out of buying a new one when replacing the machine costs just around a thousand. yehey! that's a happy moment, don't you think. truly, little things can make you happy!

honi on men

what do you think? this can be true ---

unsaid words

i want to say 'i love you'
but i know you're not there to listen
and even if you are, i know you won't listen
you won't believe

i want to say 'i love you'
but i know it will fall on deaf ears
i know the wind will just carry the words
until nothing is left behind
not even a tiny whisper
that can carry it to your heart

i want to say 'i love you'
but i can't
i won't

happy thoughts

i am getting there. i may not totally forget but at least i am successful in curbing the compulsion more times than not. i have not sent him a message in months now. what a happy thought. i'm getting there! it is difficult, yes, but now i understand what it meant by drowning your sorrow in work. i just wish i won't end up knowing what it means to drown your sorrow in alcohol, though! hehehe!

:) like peter pan, think happy thoughts!!!!

ship, ahoy!

after almost a week and a half of waiting, Thursday saw a happy end when we got an email telling us that we finally got the sailing permit for the Sword. it's been two years since i've been onboard. when i saw the crew manifest, i suddenly missed the guys who have been there for me during those long, ten dizzy days i was there before: ravi, shane, chan, peter, nigel, arnel and roland. i would have wanted to go on this trip too, knowing that it would be them onboard but i just could not do it. with the delays we have been experiencing, i was afraid that if i'd go onboard, i'd miss my flight to bangkok in two weeks. yet i am not so worried that there are going to be any problems since i know the guys and i know that they'd do good for us. add to that is our new QC person whom we know will do her best to give us the best data. the good weather right now does not hurt, either. i'm hoping for good going all the way to the end of this project.

i may not be too happy that i'm not onboard with the crew and learning new things, but i'm learning new things, too, while monitoring the work from here.

*notice that the Sword has a new paint job. when i was onboard two years ago, she was still orange.

indecision

my boss' lecture for today: you have to be decisive!

well, i guess i'm not or i wouldn't be in this position of having mixed feelings. when i first learned that they may send me away for work onboard the same vessel i was in two years ago, my first reaction was -- no! that is because, i didn't want to deal with foreigners again (not that i have any bad experience with them. actually they were all good). or i was just afraid to face new challenges -- be in control of the whole operation, report-writing, and any other duties. i just didn't feel like it especially since i know that when i get back, my desk will be full of things to see to, aside from the project's terminal report. i was also hesitant because the schedule of the project is very flexible. i was afraid that if we'll start too late, i might miss my weekend vacation to BKK. so yes, i did tell my supervisor that if there would be a choice, i would rather stay and monitor the project's progress from the main office.

then came new things. in our meeting last friday, i saw two of the former crewmate i was with two years ago and it made me long to see and work again with all of them. i then wanted to go because the company representative is a friend as well as the government's represantive. i knew i would learn a lot from this experience but really, i just don't want to have a stack of work to take care when i get back, i still don't want the big responsibility of working onboard, and definitely not the least, i don't want to miss my weekend vacation.

yes, i have mixed emotions now. i am indecisive. now i want to go, yet not. :(

things that keep me busy today

1. WORK. we are preparing to do the first of two major activities this year. hopefully, we'll be able to proceed by next week. i'm wishing for the data to come out good.



2. SCHOOL. i took this class only to fill up my saturday mornings but it's great. it is a lot of help to my work and it's the only class that i've never slept in yet in a long while. my friend said i don't feel sleepy at all because the class is interesting.



3. UGLY BETTY and last but definitely not the least, AVATAR. i saw a few episodes of this in channel 23 but never really got the chance to follow the story since my sister hoards/loves the tv. one day, i decided to talk my sister into buying me the dvds for Ugly Betty and it has never disappointed me yet! i actually like the story, especially since the assistant and boss do not end up falling in love with each other. :)

as for avatar, my bestfriend once mentioned the last airbender when we were about to watch harry potter. i don't have any idea what the airbender was all about. i actually even forgot about it until my sister and i saw its trailer and i was hooked! i pestered my sister into buying the dvds and when i finally got a hold of the cd, i immediately put it on the dvd. i love it!





i'm crazy about avatar right now that when my dvd got damaged while i was watching it in the wee hours of the morning yesterday, i had to run to my bestfriend's house just to get her copies! i was in and out of her house in less than five minutes just so i could watch it right away! i'm on book three now, displacing for a while Ugly Betty in my priorities. the story is good and i really love aang. he's a boy wonder! :)



4. A Thousand Splendid Suns. my bestfriend lent it to me and when i was able to start it while on the train a couple of days ago, i was hooked. the story is great!

farewell

so. the former president cory aquino died last saturday morning. she is loved and her passing will be a time of great mourning for those people who knows her and who benefitted from her work. i guess that would be us - those who are enjoying our freedom, those that who had not suffered under a dictator, those who grew up knowing what it is to have freedom. she was an example of pure heroism, dedication, nationalism and faith. i just wish i could live, even just a tiny bit, the faith she has in the Lord. if there is something she will leave behind for me, it will the testimony that faith in the Lord could do great deeds, could do great wonders that would transcend all boundaries. if she will leave behind something for me, it would be the belief that there is hope for the filipinos and that really, it is great to be a filipino.

we mourn her loss but i hope her ideals live on.

two masters

you definitely cannot serve two masters. it has happened that one can have an understanding boss, and the other an unreasonable boss. it is crazy to have one boss approve what you have work on only to have the other boss belay everything that you have done. this is just one of those days when you just have to accept that, truly, you cannot serve two masters but you are stuck with them. in the end, you are caught in the middle of two superiors who approach work and problems differently, and you get all the blame. what you can do is do what you are told and just wish that the new day will begin soon and everything will just come to pass...

fanciful dream

i was in a new place, in my own room. it was time to unpack and started removing stuff from my bag. when finished removing the stuffs from my bags, i noticed i've got of shoes lying around yet, i didn't put it in their proper places. i was tired and just lain down in bed for a while. later, i got up, look about the room and noticed a door that cannot be opened. i looked out the window and saw a beautiful green rolling hills, much as the ones you'd see in ireland. beyond the field was a new building (i just knew it was a new building) but the design was castle-like. the windows was hard to open, too but in the end, i had opened it and was able to place my hand outside to feel the air. then, i locked it again. the lock was wooden. anyways, i returned at studying the door. there was a little door trap at the lower right, more like the cat doors we see on tv. i tried opening it but nothing happened. on the upper left side of the door, there was also another one of that opening. it was the size of the wooden panel on the floor we have at the house. i tried reaching up for it and somehow, just somehow, i knew, something happened. then i noticed a peephole type of thing. there, i saw something oozed, like amber or caramel. i tried to push it with a wood the size of a big hairpin and somehow, i must have done something because the ooze seemed to sucked inside the door. suddenly, there was oozing on that lower trapdoor. when i reached for it again, it opened, and there was a click inside. i just knew that that ooze started cranking up whatever's been keeping the door closed. when i opened it, there was nothing. just a little dark room, 1x1 m in floor area, that was lightened only by the light from the hallway. disappointed, i left the room to get milk.

when i went back to the room, alas! my clothes and most definitely my shoes were in proper order just beside the door of that mysterious door. or was it inside? i can't remember this well. but what i do remember is that there was a little thing, sort of like a dobby thing, leaning down from the inside of the room, on the ceiling. the first thought that came to mind was, is that a leprechaun, and am i really in ireland??? the creature seemed friendly enough, like a dobby.

and then i woke up...

heart ache

it happened last friday. will have to write about it later though coz it's late and i have to go to sleep early. it's another manic monday tomorrow!

22 and 28

i look like a high school kid, so when people ask me, i tell them i'm twenty-two because i feel like that. yet yesterday, i felt like my real age. it's possible that work responsibility has been getting to me lately. i wish it will end, but i hope i get to keep my job, because even though i complain a lot, i love my work. there's only one thing i hate about it and that will always remain a secret.

gift registry

i must have been spoiled by the uk registry.

the gift registry in the philippines needs more improvement. as far as i know, there are three or four shops actually offering registry services: rustan's, sm, kultura and our home. of these four, i've only tried the first two, so these shops are the ones i'm going to compare.

with philippine standards, i'll say hats off to rustan's. a wedding registry was prepared by one of my friends who got married last year. i thought, really thought that registry meant going online, choosing your gift item, paying through credit card and having the shop deliver it for free. but lo and behold when i looked for rustan's registry online, there was nothing! okay, there was a website but i wasn't able to view the list, much more find the registry itself. calling rustan's, i found out that you have to go to the store (whatever branch is nearest to you), look over the list and choose from the display. fortunately, all i had to do was pay for it. they provided a card for where i could write down my dedication and from there, it's up to them to deliver the item.

the worst registry i've experienced was that of sm's. all along i thought one of the perks of having the registry is for a well-wisher to have a hassle-free gift shopping. but no, with sm, it's like the normal going inside the store and choosing what you like, paying for it, taking it home and giftwrapping it yourself! the only difference is that there's a list of things from which you would choose. the other thing with sm too is that if the item's not at this particular store, you have to go to the other store and buy it from there. waaah! can you imagine that? so all right. let's say you have chosen something you like from the celebrant's list. if it's less than PhP2000 or an electric appliance, then you have to take it with you because they won't deliver. with sm, you can just dump the list and buy something else. you can't feel the "specialness" of having your own registry. they didn't even offer a card for your greeting!

now the question is, what does it really mean to have a registry, let's say for a wedding? shouldn't it be something that lists all the things that the celebrants want and have their friends choose among them what they want to buy for you? and when they do buy it for you, shouldn't they have not to worry about the delivery and cards because a registry should provide this necessary service? i guess i really was spoiled by the uk shops.

on further thought, i think i like podium's baby & co.'s registry service. true, they don't have online listing but when you call, they answer to your fax requests right away. they call when they say they'd call and if the item's not with them, then they'd make sure that it is delivered to them and reserved for you. it's a long shot from what a very good registry is but at least it works. they won't make you go around town in their other shops just to find what you like.

i can't help but say this again. sm north (i'm being very specific because it's the only one i've had an experienced with so far) needs to have its registry improved. all they have right now is just a word, not the service.

good news

just found out that my friend way back in grade school finally got hitched! :)

everyone's getting married now... wow! makes me want to get married now, too!

funny and yet sad coz i haven't got anyone whom i want to go to the altar with! hmmm....

but to my friends, Congratulations and may you stay as strong together as you are now today! :D

meaning to

i've been meaning to write here the last couple of days but now that i'm in front of the computer, i don't have much to say. the last few days saw me doing a lot of things at work, and yet, it doesn't seem that i have done anything. repetitive work doesn't give one such satisfaction when results often changes and in this instance, change happens in just a couple of clicks and a couple of seconds.

the last few days also saw me with a lot of things in my mind: office work that saw its deadline come and pass by, school work with which i haven't read halfway through the first two required readings, house work, and him. yes, always him, but let's not get into that.

with the start of classes, arrival of my cousins, and... okay, i would own up to my fault -- laziness, i haven't gone into badminton workouts for more months than i can count. i missed an opportunity to play poi with this cool group with whom some of my friends are members of, missed a sailing weekend opportunity. even yoga, which i only do from time to time, has become just a distant memory. all i could do when i get home is eat, rest, surf the net and watch tv, just to drain whatever's been occupying my mind at the office. it's bliss but it's a sinful bliss because i know, these are not productive ways of spending my "for-me" time at night. yet, these are the only things i could do eventhough there are still other things i need to do -- write a bit for my thesis, for example.

now i just remembered that i had to iron my uniform for tomorrow. at dinner tonight, i have already planned what to bring for lunch to the office.

oh yes. interesting part of the last couple of weeks is the visit of my cousins from the us. i was happy to have finally met the guy my dearest cousin married in hawaii. they're not the "sweety" type but they fit - i even saw them fight at one time! really funny. after our other cousin's wedding, we had a chance to bond at their hotel room. for a while, it was like when we were still kids - some in high school, some in grade school. the only thing that made us realize that we were getting old was the addition of sex in the conversation. how we got from horror stories to sex stories was entirely hayden's fault. imagine, even the pinoys in hawaii are updated on the happenings of philippine show business. thank you for tfc, i guess? :P

interesting also is the fact that starting with my cousins' arrival and short stop at our apartment, i have been silently monitoring myself and my sister. when i saw my cousins a week after for the other cousin's wedding, i was also monitoring them silently. at the office, i let the guard take my temperature whenever i arrive early in the morning. Yes, you guess! i was monitoring ourselves for any sign of the (A)H1N1 virus. hey, it doesn't hurt to be vigilant! :) and i'm glad to say that this, today, is the last day of my monitoring. i'm virus-free! thank God!

oh! i was also at mass yesterday and although i can't remember most of the sermon, i remembered what the priest emphasized: "Have Faith in the Lord."

he said that other people have faith in the Lord but sometimes, something stops them such as fear. well, fear is the opposite of faith. we should trust the Lord and let go. people say that they are afraid of a lot of things, like rejection. this piece of truth pierced right through because i profess that i trust the Lord and have faith in Him yet when it comes to asking one of the most important thing i want in life, i'm afraid to ask Him because i'm afraid of not being given this. it's such a double-blade. then the question is, do i really have Faith in Him. the answer is Yes, but how come i'm still afraid to ask. because it is probably impossible? yet nothing is impossible to Him. it is scary and until now, i'm still afraid of asking it outright.

Lord, give me the courage to face my fear and truly have Faith in you in the truest sense of the word. Amen.

now it's time to go to sleep. sleep well, then. and yes, i miss him.

not part of it

hey, you've been confused for the longest time and now, other people are confused as well. please, don't make me feel that i've added to your confusion because i don't want any part of it. fix yourself first and maybe we could talk about it. but for now, don't make me a part of it. i have problems of my own.

.....


..... yet, i still need you.

:(

great relatives

thank God for good family. Ate J and Kuya K arrived today bearing my sister's bilin. since they had to rest for a bit before going on to the next leg of their trip, they stopped by the house to eat and have a little chit-chats. so glad to see them, including my aunt and Kuya I.

thank God for a loving family!

heartbroken

... times two.

the gran, the horse, the white man, and the bread

so i guess this is why we are what we are. handed down the generations, it seems we cannot escape from it, nor trying hard to escape it...

this is the story my mom told me when i was a kid, and repeated with her visit...

once upon a time, there was a lady, my great-gran, who sat squat-style like a poor little girl that she was when along came a sound of hooves. she was scared and could only cower down when she saw a big, big, big horse (as in really big in her own words) with a white man atop it. she was more afraid when the white soldier spoke to her:

"you! stand up there!"

all she could do back then was follow, so she stood up and looked way up, up, up. then the big man said,

"do you want bread?"

and holy, holy, holy! what a big bread it was!

---

and that, ladies and gentlemen, was my great-gran's experience with a white man and his horse. or should i say, that was the white man's experience with a cowering simple girl.

no wonder they looked down upon us before and no wonder, maybe, that experience has never left our culture. we are easily awed when we could have stood up and say, "Hey!"

it's here!

there's a new addition to the oldest mall i know! see parts of the sm sky garden --

fearing change

for the most part, i like change. i crave it. it's a constant need within me but always, always, it comes along with the constant dread of not knowing what the tomorrow will throw at me.

there's a constant need of change within me, but always, i'm in constant dread of it.

love does not last...

when one of the partners loves the other just because that person fulfills only what he/she desires and nothing else. if that desire is fulfilled, and there is nothing beyond that, then love or that relationship will not last.

weird dream #n

i had moved to a new place. it was a two-floor building with three rooms on the second floor. i was occupying one of the corner rooms (most probably the north room). the windows have a screen on it, like the ones i have back at home. my companion in that floor was somebody i've known for long. i can't tell who she was but i felt that it was M, who was my roommate in college.

the second scene was us with a group of friends and friends of friends eating a restaurant. we were paying and i took out the money from my black little purse. after paying, we decided to go to this rally/party and there, we were asked to donate for something. i couldn't find my purse but there was enough money on my pocket for a donation. i gave 20php. i thought that was really a big contribution then because the peso-rupiah (or was it baht?) rate is almost the same, or the peso is a little bit stronger against the dollar. after the donation, off we went to the apartment building.

it was then in my room that i realized that my purse was really gone. i realized that it must have happened that after paying at the resto, i left my purse there. yet my friends have a different idea. they think that it was one of their friends who took it (as i am writing this, it dawned on me that that person was a classmate last sem whom i did not talk with at all). they said that they saw him come by my room when i wasn't there. it was really suspicious but at that moment, my purse was important, i had to go back to that restaurant. i decided to take a cab then since the apartment was on the other side of town (much the same as when i lived at st catherine's while the department was at downing).

on the cab, the indian driver said that he'd give me some kind of a special offer on the fare if i'd exchange the earrings i was wearing. it was the same earrings that i've been wearing lately. i almost got off the cab but we might have come to an agreement because he decided to take me to the resto, although i'd forgotten where i'm going because the place i directed him to was the laundry house beside it. i can't even remember the street so i gave him some landmarks, almost the same as Nando's near the corner of the earth sciences and regent street at cam. unfortunately, we got lost and it seems like we were on the highway going away from the university center. we were then stopped by a patrolman and out of his kindness, directed us to an information center. there, we found out that we were in Stirling! my thought was, i didn't realize stirling was so near, i could have gone there when i was there before.

there, i befriended some people, and one of them, probably the barrister of the office, took to me. she later asked me if she could ask a favor, if i could buy her some stuff from boracay (that is, if i live near there) and have it sent to her by post. i was so surprised that i agreed to it, telling her i have a friend who just recently moved there (and that would be R who currently lives in cebu). as we were talking, i also realized i was talking with an accent - funny how things can change when you're in another place! at one time, i was in a place similar to home and then the next second, i was somewhere i would have love to go back to.

but that isn't the end of the dream. after minutes of conversation, a guy came in the center, and kissed the lady i was talking to. i was introduced to him as the son of the lady and he might now be very handsome but he's got the looks. he offered me a ride or something and i must said something so banal i can't even remember it. the next thing i knew, i was already awake...

now i'm glad i've written another weird dream.

B said that her mom's interpretation of these dreams is that i really want to go out but there's just no opportunity (especially of those dreams at the airport)...

the anthem

i want to write something of my deepest thoughts but i can't seem to write something that is truly significant. it makes me afraid to think that my brain is rotting away for nothing when when i was a kid, my parents thought i had a brilliant mind. my teachers in grade school says the same though i tend to veer of the straight path at times (i get into trouble once in a while), unlike my other "high-achieving" classmates. i wasn't even that popular in school eventhough i got good grades and graduated at the top of the class. in high school, it was the same, i was the average girl who gets good grades. i had a brilliant mind but not that brilliant if you get what i mean.

yes, i want to write something significant, something mind-blowing but for the life of me, what? maybe i should write about the way one should i think about the proper rendition of the national anthem. it had been on the news ever since nievera sang it at pacquiao's fight last april. my question is, how come these very same people did not make any fuss about the way it was sang by previous singers. they, too, did not adhere to the original piece by julian felipe. bautista even forgot the lyrics. was it excusable because he was nervous? shouldn't we, as filipinos learn the lyrics by heart because this one song, learned by heart and mind, can show the people how proud we are to be one? i am not a tibak, but i love my country. i have doubts if i could recite the anthem but i surely can sing it! i lament though the children of these country today. they sing the anthem the way they sing christmas carols - they have no idea of the lyrics nor they have any idea what they're singing about. they just blurt whatever words they think sounds like the original one. i lament all these. shouldn't teachers and parents teach these things, the anthem and christmas carols, properly? shouldn't it be a basic part of the education of our children? when i have kids, i would make sure that early on, my kids know how to sing the national anthem (even if by chance i marry someone with another nationality, then they should learn the other one, too!). i think the knowing of the anthem and what it stands for should be put in our hearts, the same way our love for God and our parents is. even the money professes something to that effect. isn't it written somewhere, 'for the love of God and country'?

maybe to keep the fuss out of this, the national anthem should just be sang as it should be, the way felipe wrote it. why create lots of versions to it when the original is beautiful as it is?

maybe as a review, i should write down the lyrics of our national anthem.

Lupang Hinirang
Julian Felipe

Bayang magiliw
Perlas ng silanganan
Alab ng puso sa dibdib mo'y buhay
Lupang Hinirang, duyan ka ng magiting
Sa manlulupig, di ka pasisiil
Sa dagat at bundok na simoy
At sa langit mong bughaw
May dilag ng watawat mo'y
Tagumpay na nagnininging
Ang bituin at araw niyan
Kailan pa ma'y di magdidilim
Lupa ng araw ng luwalhati't pagsinta
Buhay ay langit sa piling mo
Aming ligaya nang pag may mang-aapi
Ang mamatay ng dahil sa iyo

maybe to end this piece, i woud like to ask my countrymen, love our country by singing our anthem properly.

happy

happy, and grateful, for so many thinks --

- a successful day trek
- family in the house
- friends who are getting married

gone

a good man is gone. the first time i heard that he's gone, the only thing that came to my mind was that he will be missed. he was a good, old, crazy, happy man. he was my friend's father.

the best memory of him that i have was when he went to the laboratory once to talk to our adviser about pushing, and pushing, her daughter hard into finishing her thesis. he was so damn persistent that it was already embarrassing to my friend. all she could do was try to shoo her father away from our adviser, or else there's gonna be a team-up of these two men and all hell will break loose. a year or so after that, my friend finally defended her thesis and he was there to see it. he was so damn proud and happy, like he was the one who finally graduated. in a way, he finally did. i can't help but remember how big his smile was or how persistent he could be.

today, he is gone but he will be remembered always. it was a privilege to have met a man like him.

an angel

so it was just like i was back on doomsday. i had a bit of a problem with my boss again last week because he was asking for something i couldn't give him right away. i was working as fast as i could without compromising the quality of my work but he demanded, and demanded, and demanded to the point at shouting at me. i guess there was a moment there that i had answered back just because i couldn't take the pressure and the impossible demand anymore. he was mad at me but i realized, sometimes you just get use to it and you just take in stride until the next madness comes along -- again. but this is not a story of angst, nor anger, nor sadness. this is a story of gratefulness because in all the chaos, the madness, God was with me and He sent an angel.

the angel was in the form of my officemate. amidst the madness of pressure, fear and anger, she was there, supporting me in her quiet way. when i couldn't take it anymore and couldn't find a solution to my problem, she was there to guide me until the end. she waited for me even well beyond the office hours just to give me encouragement. i didn't realize it at that time but when i arrived home and thought of the things that happened to me that day, all i can think of is that God had sent me an angel in her form and i thank God for his goodness. He has lifted me in my time of trouble. Thank you and Amen.

25 Things

This "test" had come from Facebook. The first time I came upon it was when someone tagged me. Until now, I haven't wanted to answer it because hey, are there 25 things that I can say about myself. I was not feeling brave to write down things about myself, especially when there's a number of it that you need to write. Today though, I decided to write down 25 things about myself just to see if I could get through it all without repeating anything. Here goes:

1. (I'm stuck.) I was a maldita (is snob the proper translation in english?) when I was a kid. I think I gave my mother one hell of a headache, especially when I didn't get what I wanted then.

2. I hounded my parents for probably a month, and saved whatever I could, in high school just to have them let me buy a pair of in-line skate. I never got be an expert skater, though.

3. I took lessons in piano when I was in grade school because all the other smart kids were doing it. I can still read notes until now, albeit very slowly.

4. I've been living away from my parents since college, and that is more than ten years already.

5. I'm a Catholic.

6. I have spread myself widely on the internet. I have Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, and a blog plus two working emails (not counting office and school email).

7. I got to travel alone abroad for the first time when I was 23. I had been asking that from God for the longest time and finally, He did.

8. I am still in school and I wonder when I'd be finishing my master's degree. Hopefully, soon.

9. I have one older brother and a younger sister whom I'd do anything for.

10. I dream of experiencing Europe before I turn 40 (but I have to graduate from grad school first).

11. I've never attended/marched at my college/university graduation.

12. I have never had a boyfriend (online doesn't count).

13. I want to live in another country but I don't want to stay there forever.

14. I try to go to mass every Sunday (or at least once a week), and I guess I've been pretty successful (fieldwork days that take up Sundays doesn't count).

15. I love watching TV but I can go on days without it.

16. I like listening to music but I don't have anything particular that I like as long as it's not too noisy, bordering on noise pollution.

17. I am in love with someone for the longest time but nothing had come out of it -- yet (I'm hoping, though).

18. I like my job but sometimes I doubt if I like the company I'm working for. At least I like most of the people there.

19. I like to travel especially if I have the money to spare.

20. I so long for a Nikon DSLR camera but have never seriously thought of buying one -- until a few days ago. All I need to find out is where to look for the money.

21. I love staying at home. If I can work from home, I will.

22. There are a lot of jobs I'd like to try out: bus driver in the UK, an administrative officer at my school department, travel agent, tour guide, etc.

23. I love the job that I do, it takes me to places but lately, it doesn't.

24. I have two laptops but the first one is nearly breaking down.

25. At last, I'm done. I think I could write more. But the last thing I'm writing here is something I shouldn't even have forgotten because it's staring right at me. I love books!

dream #4

as usual, i woke up again the wee hours of the morning from a restless dream. this time, it was another dream unlike any other. i was my sister and mom visiting family in australia. what's weird about it was that we don't have any family there! there was supposed to be a wedding but the details of that are not clear to me right now. what's clear is that we were on a bus going to my brother's place (now that means my brother was in it, too!). then as i recall the dream i remembered being a little bit worried about my money. in the dream, it was clear that i had 200a$ from my last trip, whether from the perth or jakarta trip, i couldn't really recall but i was so sure in that dream that i had 200 that's gonna have to last for that trip. yet i was so worried because i forgot how much the bus ride costs! then i woke up.

i realized when i woke up that the common denominator of my dreams is the different places it's gone to. and the second denominator is money to spend. i just hope it only means that i'm a cheap traveler and nothing more! :)

******

i guess i haven't wrote about that dream where i flew on a zeppelin. it's part of the recurring dream where i was supposed to go back to the uk (i guess uk did a pretty good job of putting herself in my mind the rest of my life that it still occurs in my dream. not bad). however, the plane they made us go into was a big zeppelin one and the setting was more like the forties where the pictures was still in black and white and the tone of the scene was somewhat world war-ish, although it wasn't that scary. just weird because when we had to go change planes, it was on a really big hangar, and when we got off the plane it wasn't a zeppelin at all but a big tora-tora like plane. to vacate the plane, we had to go through the plane's wing - more like the emergency landing advice they tell you when boarding a plane.

aren't my dreams weird? :D

lessons and old men

there's a saying that goes, when you want to learn more of life, you should talk to the old ones. i never really had the privilege of talking to old people in my life. i grew up away from my extended family. i only got to see my grandparents a couple of times in my whole life. some people may feel close to their grandparents, like my cousins, but not i. and so i guess i missed, and still missing, the lessons that could be learned from their experiences. i know for sure, that they have great stories to tell. in some ways, it is unlucky that i don't know my grandparents that well.

yet, in the quirky way of things, i'm glad that i was given the chance to know an exceptionally old man. i have talked of him before in this blog. in his prime, he was thought to be a terror teacher but now, when he grew older (and when his heart started to fail him), he became quite amiable and less scary to talk to. it is a privilege to get to know this person. in his old age, his mind is sharper than mine.

so what life lessons have i learned from him? i don't know yet but last friday, he talked of the past and it was quite -- striking. he talked of the last world war. aside from my grandparents, i don't know anybody who experienced the war. for me, it was a long, long time ago, way even before my parents were born. it was a great war during the time of his youth, a time when he was still barely an adult. yet, i can't help but think that maybe, people grow up fast during wars.

during the war, he said, when the japanese arrived to take over manila, his parents decided to bring them to the nearby province to avoid the war. yet everywhere, one sees the war. at times, they would see fighter planes fly above their areas in their distinct jet sounds. when these jets fire their artillery guns or dropped bombs, one can hear the sudden whistle sound before the big boom sounds off in the nearby town. at more than one point in those years of war, they had to go down the excavated ditch to avoid being hit at but there were no guarantees because overhead, the planes are still firing. for those civilians who were hit, they were just simply casualties of war.

the americans killed more civilians than the japanese. this was his opinion because for the former, once they see their target, they start shooting until everything near it was destoyed. he once witnessed american soldiers firing at two japanese soldiers stationed at an abandoned building. they fired until nothing of the building was left. they were ruthless. the latter on the other hand, although not blameless, have gathered the males and killed them together. in my way thinking, everybody were the losers in this war.

when the war was over, he went off to college in a school that the americans helped build. staying in one of the dormitories, he wakes up at night all sweaty and still thinking that he was still in the war. when he looks back at it today, he realizes that even civilians experience post-traumatic syndrome, much as the same way the soldiers who fought in the iraq war are experiencing now.

the last world war had a great impact on the world yet to the individual persons who experienced it, it was a life-altering experience. it is something that one can never take away. the only thing that they can do is just bring the best out of humanity and make sure that this will never happen for the next generations.

it was the worst of times, that's for sure, and i hope that with this telling, i have gained a little more insight of what was once, and maybe someday use this knowledge to understand people better.

dreams

i haven't been sleeping that well eversince i got back from my two-week trip. well actually, i haven't been sleeping well since the day i left for that trip. there's just something not quite fun about staying in a hotel for two weeks, with only the tv to keep you company and only the hotel staff to greet you when you arrive from a day at work.

anyways, yes, i haven't sleeping well lately. it seems that dreams have been dominating my supposedly quiet time with myself. sleep should be a relaxing time but for me, at the moment, it seems like a tiring time. i can point out three instances that my dreams had made me feel more tired instead of more rested. another irritating thing is they occur at a time when i'm near to waking up to prepare for work.

dream #1. kiwi

i dreamed that i saw kiwi again. it was like we were on the same area where we first (and last) went on a field trip. the only funny thing was that he grew a little bit chubbier and he was singing for me. that was fun because he was so cute but believe me, it brought me unnecessary grief! LOL

dream #2. chasing homie's bag in china

so that morning, i was in china doing -- well, i don't know. all i know is that i was there and i was supposed to meet homie. i went around the town which was so un-china and more southeast asian. anyways, when i got back to the hotel, i saw homie with his family and it was a little bit raining. the roads were wet. i went to meet up with him through the hotel's right entrance. when he saw me, he told me he needs to get on the bus with his family first and would i be kind enough to take his bags first. as a friend, i agreed until i saw that his bags were carried by this chinese rickshaw, and was driven by a chinese who do not speak english! when homie left, i asked the rickshaw driver to bring it to the hotel but hello, he rounded up and made for the front entrance which was so far away. one needs to go to the streets again just to get to the entrance. so what i did was shout at the guy and ran to follow him through the streets.

i don't know if i ever caught up with him but hello, i woke up breathless, like i was running the longest time!

dream #3. going to the uk again in an unseemly way

this is a recurring dream but this was the first time that i was so disorganized in this dream. before, i was just running late for the flight but now, i am soooo disorganized. the only happy thought about it was the idea of being able to eat on that sidestreet bread store at cam that i happen to discover in a previous dream.

so what happened was i was to go to the uk again in a short notice; it was like i was told this morning and will fly out tonight. all i was able to do was what i was best at -- basketball packing. then on my way to the airport, i realized that i don't have money at all and that i couldn't change money in any exchange shops even if i can withdraw money because they were already closed at that time. i remember being so worried about it because i had nowhere to go to. even when my mother arrived and could have helped me with money, still there was no exchange shops!

the next thing that made me more worried was when i realized that i haven't packed any underwears! oh my! what am i to do?!

that was then that i woke up, breathless again!

what dreams are these! i wonder what the next dreams will be!

growing old

it may be that i'm growing old but i notice that i tend to not like going out late at night anymore. when i was still in school, i used to go home after 12 mn. lately, i find 8pm very late. when i find myself outside late, i start to worry how i'm going to get home. will there still be a public transport going to my place, is it still safe to take the ride near this gate, or whatever other concerns there are. it's driving me crazy when i think of it.

bungee jump. when i was in school, i dream of bungee jumping on my own if ever i get the chance to do it. today, i think that if i ever jump, it would be with someone else so we can both share the exhilaration and the fear.

there's so many changes and i feel that i'm not up to it yet. there's so many things to do yet i feel that i'm getting older for some of those things. if only i can fast forward to doing all those things so my age could catch with them, i will. yet that isn't the case. sometimes, i'm at a lost and i ask myself, will i ever get to do those things ever? i hope i will.

prambanan - a story

a rainy day in prambanan, central java

there was once a beautiful princess who turned down all her suitors. she didn't find any of them to her liking. one day, a prince saw her and immediately fell in love with her but the princess was cold and turned him down, too. she knew the prince was bad and didn't want for her husband. yet the prince was insistent. he asked her again and again and again to marry him until one day, just to stop him from asking her again, and because she was bored, she agreed to marry him in one condition. the condition was that he must build a thousand statues/temples before the sun rises.

with this challenge, the prince agreed and started to meditate. he was a powerful prince and soon after, he conjured the demons and asked them to help him build the thousand temples for his future bride, just until the sun rises. the demons agreed and they started working on it, carrying stones from far across the land, carving it and building it from ground.

the princess saw this and feared that the prince will finish the thousand temples in one night so she too, meditated. when the gods appeared, she asked that the prince be stopped from finishing the job. when asked why she didn't want to marry the prince, she said that he was bad and she didn't like him. the princess was persistent and the gods gave in, in one condition. she must, during the night, take all the hay from her village and before the sunrise, she must burn it all. so then, while the prince was working hard to create the temples, the princess started collecting hay and before the sunrise, set it to flame.

the flame grew big that at once, the demons saw this. they thought it was the sunrise and started going back to where they came from. the prince tried to stop them because he saw that it was only a fire but the demons cannot be stopped. they went and he was left alone. the sun rose and the prince had created nine hundred ninety nine statues.

the prince asked the princess why she did it and she told him because she didn't want to marry him. but the prince was so in love with the princess and didn't care for anyone to claim her. for him, she was his forever and to make that come true, he turned her to stone, his last, his thousandth statue. now then, princess, he said. you are truly mine. no one will own you except for me. and then he thought, but still, she is beautiful. one can come in the night and steal her from me. so the prince decided to cut her nose to make her ugly. that way, no one would want to claim her, either in flesh or in stone.

yet that was not the end of the story....

the prince told his father what he did. the king became angry and turned him into a water buffalo. his son wanted to be with the princess forever so he placed the princess' statue over the prince/animal's back and put them in one room. that way, they were together forever but forever they are alone for they were never married...

the stuppa

buddha once said to his student, when i die, you place me in a stuppa. what's a stuppa, the student replied. buddha then proceeded to explain in a graphical way what a stuppa is. first, you put my body seated on a lotus, you cover me in something like a rice bowl and you pin it to the ground with my cane. this story was told by my guide.

now there is a more spiritual explanation for a stuppa. for buddhists, it represents buddha's body, his speech and his mind but most especially his mind and every part that shows the path to enlightenment.

a photo: the giant

on my tour to central java, this image was a familiar sight. the tour guide then told me a story about him and how he came about to guard the gates of the gods...

this one was once a giant who wanted to become immortal. one day, in a party of gods and goddesses, the giant came dressed as a monk. he wanted to be immortal, you see, and in that gathering, the gods and goddesses would partake from the cup of immortal waters. the giant went and took the cup but someone recognized him for what he really was - a giant. someone recognized him and told a powerful god. as the giant was about to drink from the cup, the god came and cut him from the jaw down. until this day, the giant's head was placed in the gates without his jaws and his tongue going down to the side and steps of the entrance.

ramblings

good things come to those who wait--

i truly hope that this is true. another knock to the head had me writing a sad little note again today. i wonder why waiting has been the story of my life when it comes to love. i don't think i'm not lovable. i even think i can be charming. i am pretty. i am smart. maybe i just really hadn't found the right one. or maybe i found the right one but it was too late. but whatever reason is, there are moments that i feel impatient, that i feel time is passing by so fast that i might not truly have the chance to find that special someone.

today i saw the pictures of a childhood friend who happily got married a few weeks ago. she had put in a lot of hard work in her preparations and the picture has shown it all -- the fun and the love. today, i found out that my former housemate just got married yesterday to a man she met abroad. she looked happy and contented. in a few months, a very close friend - someone i've worked with and traveled with - is tying the knot to her boyfriend of five years.

i am kind of in a panic. everyone's moving on while i am still stuck to where i am since time beginning. the only consolation i get is from the words i once heard, an advice that makes so much sense (although it doesn't truly relieve you of the envy and panic): do not be envious of others because you do not know anything about their own journey. all i can say is, if they got to that point in that journey well ahead of me, i must have taken a wrong turn, or they know a shortcut that i have no idea of. oh well, i am just feeling sorry for myself today.

my sister wrote a blog, a letter from her future self, telling herself what she wants to see at this moment. if i were to tell myself something today that i might say in the future, it might just sound something like this:

go on, feel what you feel today, then let it go. in the future, you will laugh at it and remember the good times.

and this blog will again end with drifter. i've known him almost five years now. we are still where we were a couple of years back. one might say there were major changes in both our lives (well, mostly him, i guess) these last five years but still, i don't know where we're going. all have been wishes and talks and promises which we both don't know if it will come true. not even the adage that says promises are meant to be broken can be applied here because the promises were just words to keep you going. at the back of your head, there's still a question if any of those will be fulfilled. am i making sense? maybe not.

but one day, i would like to start a new blog with him on it, about our lives together. how i hate wishing it sometimes for i don't know if it will ever come true...

faith. am i lacking in faith? maybe i am, or i am just being too practical. i don't know what to think.

we had a misunderstanding the other day. it made me mad and sad. it made him sad that i misunderstood him. and since then, we have not talked. what am i to do?

i guess that at times when you see your friends getting the start of their happily-ever-afters, a person can think of a lot of things, a person can wish for a lot of things, but those things at one point in their lives, will only be just wishful thinkings.

*sigh*

okay.... that's the end of the sad story telling...