my mom once said that everybody has to go away because each person deserves to test their wings. it is part of growing up, and this leaving behind can be a test of friendships. this was after i lamented on knowing - even envying - my friends are leaving the country and leaving us, me behind.
changes are constant and one has to accept it as fact, and one has to go with it.
something has changed within me, something i can't explain...
today, as i walked with my dad through our subdivision, i saw the changes time has done to it. true, there are familiar faces but nothing is the same. yet, they still are the same. they were the same people i knew when i was a child. those were the same roads i walked when i went to school or chapel, or to my friends house. what changed was that there were more people living in our small subdivision, more houses, new concrete roads and of course, old friends that are near yet so far - so far because you both have grown apart - or old friends that have left the place, and even this world.
change.
i saw my classmates a couple of days ago. although only a few of us met, i had a great time with them catching up and hearing news of everybody else. some got married, some had kids. two are now pilots (one who just graduated), a doctor, a couple of nurses, and so many others. some even have left the country, including one of the friends that live closest to me. my bestfriend is now even on the verge of choosing her specialization in the field of medicine. she chose to practice back home and in a selfish part of me, i feel sad because i won't have her near me once i get back to the city where lived the last couple of years. i feel sad yet so happy for her because now, she is fulfilling her dream.
most friends in college have already left the country for better jobs and advanced schooling. one recently finished defending her thesis and some will follow in the coming months. one is to get married soon. one had a child. one got a new boyfriend she's thinking of getting married to, and one who is dear to me went back home to pursue her career.
so many changes.
i am now (or soon to be) godmother to a cute little girl, the child of my grade school friends. i saw the beautiful baby smile at me and i felt her hand's strong grip on my finger. looking at the child is so thrilling, it lifts something good within yourself. for a moment you wish that you had your own. i did wish it but as i'm a very cautious person, i didn't wish it hard. not now, anyway. there will, as i always believe, time for that. time when i find the right partner for one. at the moment, i will do what i think is right for me.
our house has changed, too. as i was cleaning the bathroom a few days ago, i reminisce about how the house looked like when i was a kid. the bathroom wasn't where it is located right now. when i was a kid, i had to stand on my toes just to be able to put my mouth at the basin when brushing my teeth. today, i realized i was (yet still am) very small, even when i have to bend a little to reach the basin. our balkon before is now part of the main house and forms one of the boundaries of our property. the once front open garden of my mom is a concrete floor for my brother's parking space. the back, which once housed my dad's woods, and a semi-cemetery for our dogs, is now a plot of beautiful, colorful flowers.
so many changes, yes. and more changes are still coming with the new year. this is my last blog for the year and i look back and see all the good things that had come to me this year and all the previous years.
i thank God for all the blessings for i know, in my heart and in my mind, that i am blessed.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
empty - happy but sad
so i'm home and i'm so happy about it. all i did since i arrived here was eat and sleep. if not for the mass this morning with my mom, i wouldn't even know that it is sunday! :D
i love sleeping in my old bedroom. i'm happy about the cable tv. i'm happy about all the food i can eat -- my mom promised me a lechon for new year (although i have to pay for it! LOL). and i'm happy about the books i can read all over again.
what i'm not happy about was not hearing from drifter for a long time. oh i know that he's somewhere where there is signal - i have my ways. he might even be home at texas. i'm just so confused why he's ignoring me. if he wanted a break, he should have told me right away, not keeping me suspended over something i have no idea on. if he wanted a break, he could have said so so i'll stop playing games with my mind. it's driving me crazy, it's driving me mad. i hate being ignored, especially by him, and especially when there were a lot of ways open to him to contact me. i am not happy.
now i'm hiding my sadness with my happiness of being home. it could have been a perfect vacation but i guess you couldn't really have all the good stuff all at the same time.
if this is the end, then i just wish him happiness and i wish peace and strength to move on for myself.
funny thing late this afternoon. i woke up with a start because i got afraid. like i said, eversince i got home, all i did was eat and sleep. well, i dreamt. and guess what i dreamt of? Food! i was eating in my dreams again. isn't that scary? i'm glad i woke up right away... only to find out it was dinner time and i'm eating again! :D
i love sleeping in my old bedroom. i'm happy about the cable tv. i'm happy about all the food i can eat -- my mom promised me a lechon for new year (although i have to pay for it! LOL). and i'm happy about the books i can read all over again.
what i'm not happy about was not hearing from drifter for a long time. oh i know that he's somewhere where there is signal - i have my ways. he might even be home at texas. i'm just so confused why he's ignoring me. if he wanted a break, he should have told me right away, not keeping me suspended over something i have no idea on. if he wanted a break, he could have said so so i'll stop playing games with my mind. it's driving me crazy, it's driving me mad. i hate being ignored, especially by him, and especially when there were a lot of ways open to him to contact me. i am not happy.
now i'm hiding my sadness with my happiness of being home. it could have been a perfect vacation but i guess you couldn't really have all the good stuff all at the same time.
if this is the end, then i just wish him happiness and i wish peace and strength to move on for myself.
***
funny thing late this afternoon. i woke up with a start because i got afraid. like i said, eversince i got home, all i did was eat and sleep. well, i dreamt. and guess what i dreamt of? Food! i was eating in my dreams again. isn't that scary? i'm glad i woke up right away... only to find out it was dinner time and i'm eating again! :D
harrowing hours
i'm finally home.
but before i could get to this point, i had to have a very harrowing couple of hours first. it was almost like a recipe for a disaster but at least, it didn't happen that way!
see, as always, i had not started packing and all i did was what we call basketball packing -- throwing everything you need in a bag at the last minute. then, i had to pack what's left of the things we need to bring home including gifts for our parents and nephew. on top of that, i had to pass by first my cousin's place for the calendars and umbrellas she would give to my grandmothers on my behalf. that was around ten o'clock. but! before i have to do that, i needed to wrap the little gifts i prepared for them. i finished packing and cleaning the house at around 2am.
then, i realized that my sister wasn't home yet and she hadn't packed her things! when she got home and almost finished packing, we realized that our packaging tape wasn't enough to cover the three boxes we need to bring home so she had to run to the nearest convenience store. i was left to print her ticket when unexpectedly, the printer didn't work! it was asking for a new black cartridge. for the last couple of days, we saw that it needed changing already but we never really thought it would give up on us on that particular hour. so went my sister arrived with the tape, she had to go running out again to the nearest computer shop to have her ticket printed. luckily, when she got back with a cab, everything was ready and we proceeded to the airport. this was around 4am. our flight was at 550a. we had to be at the check-in counter in less than 50 minutes.
then, another 'almost' disaster occurred. i heard my sister instruct the cab driver to bring us to the Terminal 3. as i was not really familiar with the way to the new terminal, i let the driver decide where to pass but when we were nearing Terminal 2, i was really having a bad feeling about that. i was deluded into thinking that maybe the driver knows a shortcut through Terminal 2 when he suddenly stopped there. i was really mad because he said that he thought we said Terminal 2 when i specifically heard my sister say Terminal 3. how can one mistake 3 for 2?! and then the driver made excuses that he had just started driving again and that he didn't know that the third terminal was already operational. i was so damned mad because the terminal was already open since early summer. what cab driver wouldn't know that?! argh! the nerve of that driver too, asking for extra php150 for i don't know what! if we weren't just running so late, we would have gotten a new cab when he mentioned that back at the apartment. luckily, we arrived at the airport ten, fifteen minutes before the check-in gates close.
but what did we find out?! the gates were already closed and that there was no place for us on the plane anymore. how can that be when we confirmed our flights and we were booked since early summer? the ladies at the gate told us that for CAB regulations, they were allowed to overbook but what the hell?! it wasn't fair. we bought our tickets so early that we have to have those seats. they said that they were putting us on the 2p flight and will give us free roundtickets for the inconvenience. inconvenience it was for sure, we said and their offer isn't acceptable. what was the use of having the option early on to fly on the earliest flight out when in the end we couldn't get on it and had to wait for the afternoon flight. they reiterated that they'd give us free roundtickets. we were so damn mad that i told the lady that i don't need that ticket because i could easily afford buying it on my own. and to hell with the CAB ruling. we have to get on the plane. okay, they said. they will make a way to get us on that plane. but on the overhead sound system, we heard the boarding call for that flight. still, we kept on waiting and giving nasty glances to those people at the check-in gate. we weren't really sure if we could get on the plane. and imagine, we have three boxes and three bags to check-in. it was all a hassle. finally, and lucky for us, there were passengers willing to trade their seats for the roundtrip tickets the airline was giving away as incentive.
when we got to the plane, we saw that it was really full, mostly from the people who just arrived from their hajj. when i got to my assigned seat, i saw that there was already someone occupying it. another hassle! i had to stand up at the aisle for long minutes until the crew can figure out what happened. it was a surreal moment. i told my sister that it looks like i'm riding a bus and that i might just stand up the whole trip back home! until finally, the attendant approached me and told me that the assigned seat was really mine but the passenger wasn't willing to give up the seat beside his wife. i guess the seat that i was taken to at the back was his.
we delayed the flight for probably 45 minutes and i don't give a damn. i wanted to go home.
the plane took off at past six and we arrived around 8am. flying time was an hour and thirty minutes. it could have been faster except for the fact that the plane was carrying too much cargo as i saw at the baggage carousel. most of the cargo where the bags of those people who just arrived from the hajj. as we were last on the plane, our stuff was brought around with the last cargo car.
yet, i'm finally happy to be home!!!
but before i could get to this point, i had to have a very harrowing couple of hours first. it was almost like a recipe for a disaster but at least, it didn't happen that way!
see, as always, i had not started packing and all i did was what we call basketball packing -- throwing everything you need in a bag at the last minute. then, i had to pack what's left of the things we need to bring home including gifts for our parents and nephew. on top of that, i had to pass by first my cousin's place for the calendars and umbrellas she would give to my grandmothers on my behalf. that was around ten o'clock. but! before i have to do that, i needed to wrap the little gifts i prepared for them. i finished packing and cleaning the house at around 2am.
then, i realized that my sister wasn't home yet and she hadn't packed her things! when she got home and almost finished packing, we realized that our packaging tape wasn't enough to cover the three boxes we need to bring home so she had to run to the nearest convenience store. i was left to print her ticket when unexpectedly, the printer didn't work! it was asking for a new black cartridge. for the last couple of days, we saw that it needed changing already but we never really thought it would give up on us on that particular hour. so went my sister arrived with the tape, she had to go running out again to the nearest computer shop to have her ticket printed. luckily, when she got back with a cab, everything was ready and we proceeded to the airport. this was around 4am. our flight was at 550a. we had to be at the check-in counter in less than 50 minutes.
then, another 'almost' disaster occurred. i heard my sister instruct the cab driver to bring us to the Terminal 3. as i was not really familiar with the way to the new terminal, i let the driver decide where to pass but when we were nearing Terminal 2, i was really having a bad feeling about that. i was deluded into thinking that maybe the driver knows a shortcut through Terminal 2 when he suddenly stopped there. i was really mad because he said that he thought we said Terminal 2 when i specifically heard my sister say Terminal 3. how can one mistake 3 for 2?! and then the driver made excuses that he had just started driving again and that he didn't know that the third terminal was already operational. i was so damned mad because the terminal was already open since early summer. what cab driver wouldn't know that?! argh! the nerve of that driver too, asking for extra php150 for i don't know what! if we weren't just running so late, we would have gotten a new cab when he mentioned that back at the apartment. luckily, we arrived at the airport ten, fifteen minutes before the check-in gates close.
but what did we find out?! the gates were already closed and that there was no place for us on the plane anymore. how can that be when we confirmed our flights and we were booked since early summer? the ladies at the gate told us that for CAB regulations, they were allowed to overbook but what the hell?! it wasn't fair. we bought our tickets so early that we have to have those seats. they said that they were putting us on the 2p flight and will give us free roundtickets for the inconvenience. inconvenience it was for sure, we said and their offer isn't acceptable. what was the use of having the option early on to fly on the earliest flight out when in the end we couldn't get on it and had to wait for the afternoon flight. they reiterated that they'd give us free roundtickets. we were so damn mad that i told the lady that i don't need that ticket because i could easily afford buying it on my own. and to hell with the CAB ruling. we have to get on the plane. okay, they said. they will make a way to get us on that plane. but on the overhead sound system, we heard the boarding call for that flight. still, we kept on waiting and giving nasty glances to those people at the check-in gate. we weren't really sure if we could get on the plane. and imagine, we have three boxes and three bags to check-in. it was all a hassle. finally, and lucky for us, there were passengers willing to trade their seats for the roundtrip tickets the airline was giving away as incentive.
when we got to the plane, we saw that it was really full, mostly from the people who just arrived from their hajj. when i got to my assigned seat, i saw that there was already someone occupying it. another hassle! i had to stand up at the aisle for long minutes until the crew can figure out what happened. it was a surreal moment. i told my sister that it looks like i'm riding a bus and that i might just stand up the whole trip back home! until finally, the attendant approached me and told me that the assigned seat was really mine but the passenger wasn't willing to give up the seat beside his wife. i guess the seat that i was taken to at the back was his.
we delayed the flight for probably 45 minutes and i don't give a damn. i wanted to go home.
the plane took off at past six and we arrived around 8am. flying time was an hour and thirty minutes. it could have been faster except for the fact that the plane was carrying too much cargo as i saw at the baggage carousel. most of the cargo where the bags of those people who just arrived from the hajj. as we were last on the plane, our stuff was brought around with the last cargo car.
yet, i'm finally happy to be home!!!
Monday, December 15, 2008
party
i'm glad i went to the institute's christmas party. the event was great, with everybody participating, even i! :D it's great spending the would-be lonely evening together with friends, especially my graduate class fieldwork mates.
i am glad. and hey, i even got a merlot for my monito! unfortunately, or should i say, fortunately, i don't have a corkscrew at the moment or i would have drunk much of it tonight because of... well, refer to previous blog please. anyways, i might just buy that corkscrew since i damaged/ruined the last one i had.
good evening, guys! merry christmas! :D
oh, before i end this, i would like to congratulate one of my very good friends, we go way back to freshmen year, my blockmate L, for finally! successfully defending her thesis this morning! we are going to PARTY! soon! :D
i am glad. and hey, i even got a merlot for my monito! unfortunately, or should i say, fortunately, i don't have a corkscrew at the moment or i would have drunk much of it tonight because of... well, refer to previous blog please. anyways, i might just buy that corkscrew since i damaged/ruined the last one i had.
good evening, guys! merry christmas! :D
oh, before i end this, i would like to congratulate one of my very good friends, we go way back to freshmen year, my blockmate L, for finally! successfully defending her thesis this morning! we are going to PARTY! soon! :D
confused
i know i shouldn't have been happy when you told me what your myspace account is. now, i can easily track you down. with just one simple line and a simple click, i know what you've been up to... or not.
today, you say you are confused. but hey, who isn't? i guess i'm even more confused than you are. i don't know what you're thinking, i don't know where we're going or if we're even moving forward at all. i hate the feeling. you say you're confused, i say i hate the feeling of being confused more. a friend told me yesterday, it is hard to play mind games with your own mind. it would have been easy to be clueless of what you're up to but with the access i have to your site, i can't help but peek. and i can't help being more confused, and being more angry at me, at you. i guess it's true what they say: what you don't know won't hurt you. i just wished - and now it's too late - that i have never known where online should i look for you. it's the holiday season but total happiness is way out of my reach without you.
i'm beginning to dislike you, as much as i love you. don't, please don't make me feel this way. the only thing i've done to you is love you the only way i can, the only way i know how.
at mass yesterday, the priest asked, why do we endure pain and suffering? the answer is because we hope that after all that pain and suffering, there is a promise of joy. it galls me to think and hope about it but i hope that with you, there is a promise of joy.
today, you say you are confused. but hey, who isn't? i guess i'm even more confused than you are. i don't know what you're thinking, i don't know where we're going or if we're even moving forward at all. i hate the feeling. you say you're confused, i say i hate the feeling of being confused more. a friend told me yesterday, it is hard to play mind games with your own mind. it would have been easy to be clueless of what you're up to but with the access i have to your site, i can't help but peek. and i can't help being more confused, and being more angry at me, at you. i guess it's true what they say: what you don't know won't hurt you. i just wished - and now it's too late - that i have never known where online should i look for you. it's the holiday season but total happiness is way out of my reach without you.
i'm beginning to dislike you, as much as i love you. don't, please don't make me feel this way. the only thing i've done to you is love you the only way i can, the only way i know how.
at mass yesterday, the priest asked, why do we endure pain and suffering? the answer is because we hope that after all that pain and suffering, there is a promise of joy. it galls me to think and hope about it but i hope that with you, there is a promise of joy.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
pang-masa
pang-masa (tagalog): for the masses; relatively cheap
while looking at some wallets at the mall last sunday, i noticed one wallet which relatively looks nice. i might have bought it until i looked at the price - php1900. it was really expensive for that kind of wallet so i told my companion:
"grabe, ang mahal! mas sobra pa sa girbaud! (geez, this is kind of expensive, don't you think? more than what a girbaud wallet costs!!!)"
e kasi naman, ma'am. pang-masa ang girbaud. yan ay imported at galing sa italy!, exclaimed the lady attendant.
i was so shocked by what she said. all i could do was stare at her and looked unbelieving at what she was saying. later, my friend and i decided that we should have told her, "wow, miss! pang-masa talaga. afford mo pala ang girbaud! (wow, miss! really, it's for the masses. i bet you can afford a girbaud.)"
it was really funny. i don't know how pabder does against girbaud but all i know is, girbaud is the most preferred brand. oh well... but yes, i can't believe that lady!
while looking at some wallets at the mall last sunday, i noticed one wallet which relatively looks nice. i might have bought it until i looked at the price - php1900. it was really expensive for that kind of wallet so i told my companion:
"grabe, ang mahal! mas sobra pa sa girbaud! (geez, this is kind of expensive, don't you think? more than what a girbaud wallet costs!!!)"
e kasi naman, ma'am. pang-masa ang girbaud. yan ay imported at galing sa italy!, exclaimed the lady attendant.
i was so shocked by what she said. all i could do was stare at her and looked unbelieving at what she was saying. later, my friend and i decided that we should have told her, "wow, miss! pang-masa talaga. afford mo pala ang girbaud! (wow, miss! really, it's for the masses. i bet you can afford a girbaud.)"
it was really funny. i don't know how pabder does against girbaud but all i know is, girbaud is the most preferred brand. oh well... but yes, i can't believe that lady!
Monday, December 1, 2008
be careful what you wish for
i think i have come to a point where i think i am getting what i wished for and feeling unsure if it's what i really like. it's been a long time since we both had a long talk and this lull in communication, added to our separation, is taking its toll on me. true, i want to be with him but when he's not here, i think twice... and thrice...
i am at a lost. i am not sure how we will be together. i don't know how my family will take him, how my friends will take him. in the beginning, when he's with me, i am sure they'd like him. but lately, when i think of us together, i wonder what they'll say. i was not like this before. i know he is a good person, someone who is easily likeable, someone who can be trusted with one's self. yet i am unsure of us together. is it because i feel that he's shying away from me? is it because for a long time now, i feel he is keeping something from me? i know he is, but i never had felt this strongly before and i fear it might be too important, something that may change how we are. i'm scared but i trust in the Lord to make it right. i am just sad that i can't do anything about it. all i have to do is wait for what's coming, good or bad, hurting or not.
give me strength. why is it they say that in love, the only person who can heal you is the person who has hurt you?
it's crazy, all i can think about today is... will i be the right person for him? or is he the right person for me? crazy, crazy... i just want to stop thinking about it.
i am at a lost. i am not sure how we will be together. i don't know how my family will take him, how my friends will take him. in the beginning, when he's with me, i am sure they'd like him. but lately, when i think of us together, i wonder what they'll say. i was not like this before. i know he is a good person, someone who is easily likeable, someone who can be trusted with one's self. yet i am unsure of us together. is it because i feel that he's shying away from me? is it because for a long time now, i feel he is keeping something from me? i know he is, but i never had felt this strongly before and i fear it might be too important, something that may change how we are. i'm scared but i trust in the Lord to make it right. i am just sad that i can't do anything about it. all i have to do is wait for what's coming, good or bad, hurting or not.
give me strength. why is it they say that in love, the only person who can heal you is the person who has hurt you?
it's crazy, all i can think about today is... will i be the right person for him? or is he the right person for me? crazy, crazy... i just want to stop thinking about it.
sunday reflection
sunday was the first day of advent. advent, a time of waiting for the Lord's coming.
usually, waiting is a time for joy and sometimes, it comes with despair. for example, a couple expecting their baby or a student waiting for the exam's results. yet often in our lives, our waiting is coupled with despair. like the Israelites, their waiting in the desert during their journey to the promise land was in despair.
yet waiting is an important thing in our lives. waiting allows us to "cleanse" ourselves. it allows us to reflect on what we have done and what we ought to do. waiting is also a time to recognize that it is in His hands, whatever we're waiting for. for example, after an example, no matter how much time we reflect on it, the results are up to Him.
yun lang. just want to write it down so i won't forget.
usually, waiting is a time for joy and sometimes, it comes with despair. for example, a couple expecting their baby or a student waiting for the exam's results. yet often in our lives, our waiting is coupled with despair. like the Israelites, their waiting in the desert during their journey to the promise land was in despair.
yet waiting is an important thing in our lives. waiting allows us to "cleanse" ourselves. it allows us to reflect on what we have done and what we ought to do. waiting is also a time to recognize that it is in His hands, whatever we're waiting for. for example, after an example, no matter how much time we reflect on it, the results are up to Him.
yun lang. just want to write it down so i won't forget.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
prayers and kindness
i have been praying for my boss to be kind to me for weeks now. so far, and let this be a testimony to God's goodness, my boss has shown me kindness during those times he seems to acknowledge my presence.
you see, i've always been afraid of him. he is quick to anger and he's got a loud voice. when he is angry, it seems that half the people can hear him. this year alone, i have been shouted at and got a dressing down for things i've done wrong. i have my excuses but i won't justify my weakness in terms of work. it is, and will still be (given the current office situation), as it is without the training, and proper guidance one needs to build his or her competency (now i've said my excuse!). everytime i get a dressing down, i feel i'm not worth anything and all the hard work that i've put on in the project is a waste. it depresses me and i hate the feeling because it makes me want to leave the work i want.
lately though, i've been trying to change my attitude. turn it into positive thoughts. every night and every morning, before i go to work, i pray that my boss will be kind to me. it's even ok to be reprimanded, but please, don't shout at me. that's one thing that doesn't work in a good way for me. once i asked God to have my boss to, well, just have a look at me and my work. He listened but it was in a different way. yes, he minded me, but in a way that i got the worst dressing down for the whole year (i hope it will be the last). today, i ask that he be kind to me and nothing else.
but that's not really the point of this whole thing, although i've written a lot about it. my main point is, God listens! He knows what we need and if He sees that you really need it, without fail, He gives it to you. so do not be afraid to ask. in the Bible, it is told to us in plain words:
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives and teh one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Matthew 21:22
Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive.
1 John 5:14-15
And we have this confidence in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in regard to whatever we ask, we know that what we have asked Him for is ours.
AMEN. God is good! :D
you see, i've always been afraid of him. he is quick to anger and he's got a loud voice. when he is angry, it seems that half the people can hear him. this year alone, i have been shouted at and got a dressing down for things i've done wrong. i have my excuses but i won't justify my weakness in terms of work. it is, and will still be (given the current office situation), as it is without the training, and proper guidance one needs to build his or her competency (now i've said my excuse!). everytime i get a dressing down, i feel i'm not worth anything and all the hard work that i've put on in the project is a waste. it depresses me and i hate the feeling because it makes me want to leave the work i want.
lately though, i've been trying to change my attitude. turn it into positive thoughts. every night and every morning, before i go to work, i pray that my boss will be kind to me. it's even ok to be reprimanded, but please, don't shout at me. that's one thing that doesn't work in a good way for me. once i asked God to have my boss to, well, just have a look at me and my work. He listened but it was in a different way. yes, he minded me, but in a way that i got the worst dressing down for the whole year (i hope it will be the last). today, i ask that he be kind to me and nothing else.
but that's not really the point of this whole thing, although i've written a lot about it. my main point is, God listens! He knows what we need and if He sees that you really need it, without fail, He gives it to you. so do not be afraid to ask. in the Bible, it is told to us in plain words:
Matthew 7:7-8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives and teh one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
Matthew 21:22
Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive.
1 John 5:14-15
And we have this confidence in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in regard to whatever we ask, we know that what we have asked Him for is ours.
AMEN. God is good! :D
Monday, November 24, 2008
quotes of the week
ceebee says: "pangarap ka na lang ba, o magiging katotohanan ka..." (ala i love betty...)
and
btchy says: "sana ang puso ay parang windows xp. pwede i-ctrl+alt+del end task pag naghahang!" (ala pagod na sa pag-ibig)
and
btchy says: "sana ang puso ay parang windows xp. pwede i-ctrl+alt+del end task pag naghahang!" (ala pagod na sa pag-ibig)
timeless comfort
came across this song again while i was browsing online... this is one of my favorite songs. reminds me of the summer during our junior year in college, when we had to stay at the laboratory for weeks finishing our fieldwork analysis and reports. in the mornings and late nights while everybody's awake and busy doing their assigned chores, this song was always played. i remembered hearing this song while asleep and in the early minutes of waking up... those where the days and the song of cynthia alexander now seems so timeless to me...
Comfort in Your Strangeness
by Cynthia Alexander
Woke up this morning
I was staring at the ceiling
Cracks and roadmaps and highways and landscapes
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in Your Strangeness
Of moving shadowss
When I call the wind by name
Rushing Firewater in the dark of a cloud
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to findComfort in Your Strangeness
We are slaves to the crimes we commit
In fits of passion we shame
We are nothing
We are nothing
We are nothing
We are nothing but
The dust on Your feet
Dying to be born again
Singing Ether Water Fire singing Earth Singing Air
I have seenI have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in Your Strangeness
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in Your Strangeness
Comfort in Your Strangeness
by Cynthia Alexander
Woke up this morning
I was staring at the ceiling
Cracks and roadmaps and highways and landscapes
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in Your Strangeness
Of moving shadowss
When I call the wind by name
Rushing Firewater in the dark of a cloud
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to findComfort in Your Strangeness
We are slaves to the crimes we commit
In fits of passion we shame
We are nothing
We are nothing
We are nothing
We are nothing but
The dust on Your feet
Dying to be born again
Singing Ether Water Fire singing Earth Singing Air
I have seenI have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in Your Strangeness
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in Your Strangeness
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
a child's sweetness
it's been two days and i can't seem to remove the image of a child asking me to carry him --
mr. pumpkin was such a little beauty in his pumpkin costume last tuesday. he was sociable, he was lovable. when asked what his name was, he answered in his cute little voice --
"mr. pumpkin."
and after he finished getting his treats, he said in his cute little voice again -- "bye, bye, people."
cute little kid... makes you want to have a child like that, someone who is not afraid to meet new people, someone who is easily liked.
as i went down the stairs of the office after office hours, mr. pumpkin was there. i greeted him, and he said "Kiss."
"what, you want to kiss me?" Yes, was his reply and proceeded to kiss me and hugged me at the same time, conveying his desire for me to carry him. It was a sweet joy carrying that kid and enjoying his full trust in me, that he'd let me, a virtual stranger, carry him. luckily, his mom and dad know me so there was no problem with that.
"i'm going home now, mr. pumpkin. would you like to go home with me?" Again, his reply was "Yes." It was such a lovely thing for him to say that. He was so sweet. And he kissed me again.
Inside the van, as we were readying to go home, Mr. Pumpkin came to wish us a safe trip home, carried by his papa. "Bye, bye, people. See you again next time. Close the window (of the van."
*Sigh* Such sweet little boy. One day, I'll have one myself, one as cute as him and as intelligent as him... :D --- I hope!
mr. pumpkin was such a little beauty in his pumpkin costume last tuesday. he was sociable, he was lovable. when asked what his name was, he answered in his cute little voice --
"mr. pumpkin."
and after he finished getting his treats, he said in his cute little voice again -- "bye, bye, people."
cute little kid... makes you want to have a child like that, someone who is not afraid to meet new people, someone who is easily liked.
as i went down the stairs of the office after office hours, mr. pumpkin was there. i greeted him, and he said "Kiss."
"what, you want to kiss me?" Yes, was his reply and proceeded to kiss me and hugged me at the same time, conveying his desire for me to carry him. It was a sweet joy carrying that kid and enjoying his full trust in me, that he'd let me, a virtual stranger, carry him. luckily, his mom and dad know me so there was no problem with that.
"i'm going home now, mr. pumpkin. would you like to go home with me?" Again, his reply was "Yes." It was such a lovely thing for him to say that. He was so sweet. And he kissed me again.
Inside the van, as we were readying to go home, Mr. Pumpkin came to wish us a safe trip home, carried by his papa. "Bye, bye, people. See you again next time. Close the window (of the van."
*Sigh* Such sweet little boy. One day, I'll have one myself, one as cute as him and as intelligent as him... :D --- I hope!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
love - intense and passionate
Jesus only gave two commandments. One is to love God and from it comes the second, love your neighbors.
How does one love? More to the point, how does one love like Christ, passionately and intensely? For love burns, like His sacred heart. In church today, Fr. J would have wanted us to change our view of what is heaven, what is hell. For him, with God's love, with Christ's passion, heaven is fire, and hell is cold. Fire spreads while cold stifles us.
People love differently. Some of us love reluctantly. Some of us love passionately. And some of us love in the middle. Reluctant love -- love that is halfway... Passionate love -- love that transcends all... Middle love -- a calculated love, where every step of the way is thought of, every step making it closer to our goal and still keeping a part of us to ourselves just in case it will never work -- a kind of self-preservation thing...
There were only two questions for reflection. Think of a person that you love reluctantly or halfway. And think of that person whom you love with intensity and with passion, giving your all, without fear of rejection. For it is only in giving one's self up to love that one can achieve something great.
How does one love? More to the point, how does one love like Christ, passionately and intensely? For love burns, like His sacred heart. In church today, Fr. J would have wanted us to change our view of what is heaven, what is hell. For him, with God's love, with Christ's passion, heaven is fire, and hell is cold. Fire spreads while cold stifles us.
People love differently. Some of us love reluctantly. Some of us love passionately. And some of us love in the middle. Reluctant love -- love that is halfway... Passionate love -- love that transcends all... Middle love -- a calculated love, where every step of the way is thought of, every step making it closer to our goal and still keeping a part of us to ourselves just in case it will never work -- a kind of self-preservation thing...
There were only two questions for reflection. Think of a person that you love reluctantly or halfway. And think of that person whom you love with intensity and with passion, giving your all, without fear of rejection. For it is only in giving one's self up to love that one can achieve something great.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
for the sake of argument
phrase of the day
devil's advocate: someone who takes the worse side just for the sake of argument
being the devil's advocate, a friend asked me what i'll do if ever drifter and i won't end up together. that's a scary thought and a hurting one, and for the life of me, i do not know what to say. i guess i'm really holding on to this. after all, too much time, effort and emotions were already exerted on this.
i just wish i don't end up broken-hearted.
devil's advocate: someone who takes the worse side just for the sake of argument
*****
being the devil's advocate, a friend asked me what i'll do if ever drifter and i won't end up together. that's a scary thought and a hurting one, and for the life of me, i do not know what to say. i guess i'm really holding on to this. after all, too much time, effort and emotions were already exerted on this.
i just wish i don't end up broken-hearted.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
change your mantra
from the author of the book Eat, Pray, Love, elizabeth gilbert at Oprah's show, gave three things that can help us achiever inner peace... or something akin to contentment... or knowledge... or acceptance. whatever it was, it would supposedly give you a "happier" life.
the first thing to do:
every morning, ask yourself what you really, really, really want. really must be repeated three times so that it would reflect the importance of that want or need. if it doesn't come to you today, then try the next... and the next... you'll know when you get there.
the second thing to do:
every evening, write down what made you happy today. one sentence is enough.
the last thing to do:
change your mantra. mantra may be defined as a sacred thought or a prayer. people keep on saying that they are stupid, they are lazy, they are jerks. if that is what they aspire to become, then that is their mantra. if you want to be something else, change your mantra... hmmm... so what is mine?
i could start a whole new blog containing only these, written once a day. but for now, i would like to write down my answers to the three questions:
1 what i want: to be clear on what i have to do with my life
2 what made me happy today: dinner with my sister
3 i am courageous and will take risks
:D
the first thing to do:
every morning, ask yourself what you really, really, really want. really must be repeated three times so that it would reflect the importance of that want or need. if it doesn't come to you today, then try the next... and the next... you'll know when you get there.
the second thing to do:
every evening, write down what made you happy today. one sentence is enough.
the last thing to do:
change your mantra. mantra may be defined as a sacred thought or a prayer. people keep on saying that they are stupid, they are lazy, they are jerks. if that is what they aspire to become, then that is their mantra. if you want to be something else, change your mantra... hmmm... so what is mine?
i could start a whole new blog containing only these, written once a day. but for now, i would like to write down my answers to the three questions:
1 what i want: to be clear on what i have to do with my life
2 what made me happy today: dinner with my sister
3 i am courageous and will take risks
:D
Friday, October 17, 2008
dreaming of lost shoes
it's been a long time since i've remembered any, or part, of a dream that i just had. the last time was of a turquoise ring on my finger which i believed was mine - for a time. as dreams come, change of scenes often happen and when mine did, there was a middle eastern person (typical of those selling jewelries) told me the ring wasn't mine, but just something i was transporting for someone... oh well... it was good while it lasted.
last night, i dreamed of lost shoes. there was this big new bank and my friends and i decided to come inside to see for ourselves new atm technologies. everybody went to their own atms while i looked around. i saw this huge machine and decided to try it out. it was kinda cool because you don't have to insert the card on the slot but just put it on the card tray and a sounding will tell you if your card was accepted. i was confused for a time but i was able to withdraw money from it -- as far as i know.
as we were walking back out of the bank to the ride stop, i realized that i was only on my socks! i realized then that i removed my new black shoes (the one i was wearing at work) before approaching the big machine. why, i don't know. when i got back to that area, my shoes were gone and we couldn't find it. so i guess i went home in my white socks!
weird.
last night, i dreamed of lost shoes. there was this big new bank and my friends and i decided to come inside to see for ourselves new atm technologies. everybody went to their own atms while i looked around. i saw this huge machine and decided to try it out. it was kinda cool because you don't have to insert the card on the slot but just put it on the card tray and a sounding will tell you if your card was accepted. i was confused for a time but i was able to withdraw money from it -- as far as i know.
as we were walking back out of the bank to the ride stop, i realized that i was only on my socks! i realized then that i removed my new black shoes (the one i was wearing at work) before approaching the big machine. why, i don't know. when i got back to that area, my shoes were gone and we couldn't find it. so i guess i went home in my white socks!
weird.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
seize the day
CARPE DIEM.
it was a long time since i heard these words. i am away from the jesuits a little too long. today, it gave me hope. it strengthened me.
i thank God for giving me friends who can strengthen me. i have been a worrisome lately. people say i need a new environment and i just don't know where to find it. going away from town for a couple of days doesn't help anymore.
CARPE DIEM to all the things i have to do. Live for the moment. It's good to plan ahead but not at the cost of being so stressed at Today. Life shouldn't be of regrets. Mistakes are acceptable but not regrets. Risk -- for it is only in risks that you learn more of yourself, to gain more, to live more. Take risks even if it scares you. Living for the moment means to take risks.
Yet, I am scared. Instead of becoming more confident as i grow old, i became more worrisome. I hate that about me. I envy friends who can take risks. I am just way too scared to do it. And yet, this is why I thank God for strengthening me through friends. I need Him badly and He's here.
Amen.
it was a long time since i heard these words. i am away from the jesuits a little too long. today, it gave me hope. it strengthened me.
i thank God for giving me friends who can strengthen me. i have been a worrisome lately. people say i need a new environment and i just don't know where to find it. going away from town for a couple of days doesn't help anymore.
CARPE DIEM to all the things i have to do. Live for the moment. It's good to plan ahead but not at the cost of being so stressed at Today. Life shouldn't be of regrets. Mistakes are acceptable but not regrets. Risk -- for it is only in risks that you learn more of yourself, to gain more, to live more. Take risks even if it scares you. Living for the moment means to take risks.
Yet, I am scared. Instead of becoming more confident as i grow old, i became more worrisome. I hate that about me. I envy friends who can take risks. I am just way too scared to do it. And yet, this is why I thank God for strengthening me through friends. I need Him badly and He's here.
Amen.
scared
i killed a snake today --- and it scared the hell out of me.
as i was closing the back door of the apartment, i noticed a worm-like creature lying atop the bathroom's floormat. curious as i was, i looked at it for the longest until i realized this worm is kinda different from the usual ones i see. slowly, my heart began beating fast as it dawned on me that this is a baby snake! the skin was different, it looked different, and within me, it felt different. it moved itdifferently. it scared me!
i suddenly stood as it started moving towards the bathroom. i ran away, not knowing what to do. i'm scared it might bite my feet or wrap itself around one of my little toes. imagine, this was just a little snake, about two and a half inch long and probably two millimeters wide, yet it made me run scared. i don't know what to do but i know i have to kill it before it goes inside the drainage. i can just tell you a story in one of the far off islands in the country where they lost water supply only to find out that a snake grew inside their underwater pipeline! i can't have that happening to the drainage of our bathroom so i had to act fast. it was moving fast!
i put on my sister's sneakers, grabbed my slippers, hoping to crush it to death. yet i can't do it. i was scared going near it, thinking it would move in it's snakelike movements towards me and bite me. that was why i put on the sneakers. second solution was to spray it with an insect repellant. it made matters worst. it probably got affected as it was moving more furiously now. in a little while it stopped. i thought it was dead. i stared at it, hoping it to be dead when it moved again -- but this time slowly... and then faster! oh no! how are we going to kill it??? it's moving towards the drainage again now. luckily, the pail covered the drainage hole so it can't get past through it fast!
finally, we thought -- hot water! my sister heated some water fast and when it's done, handed me the pot. she can't do it so i'll have to pour it down on the poor snake (yuck, what's poor about it?). when i poured the hot water on it, it just stopped moving and was stiff right away - or so i think. at least, this time i am sure it's dead. i may be cruel to that creature but i'm thinking of our safety first. what if it grows up and kills us? wrap itself around us and crush us until our breath stops and our bones crushed. i can't let that happen so i killed the baby snake.
i killed the snake because i'm totally scared of it.
i hate reptiles!
as i was closing the back door of the apartment, i noticed a worm-like creature lying atop the bathroom's floormat. curious as i was, i looked at it for the longest until i realized this worm is kinda different from the usual ones i see. slowly, my heart began beating fast as it dawned on me that this is a baby snake! the skin was different, it looked different, and within me, it felt different. it moved itdifferently. it scared me!
i suddenly stood as it started moving towards the bathroom. i ran away, not knowing what to do. i'm scared it might bite my feet or wrap itself around one of my little toes. imagine, this was just a little snake, about two and a half inch long and probably two millimeters wide, yet it made me run scared. i don't know what to do but i know i have to kill it before it goes inside the drainage. i can just tell you a story in one of the far off islands in the country where they lost water supply only to find out that a snake grew inside their underwater pipeline! i can't have that happening to the drainage of our bathroom so i had to act fast. it was moving fast!
i put on my sister's sneakers, grabbed my slippers, hoping to crush it to death. yet i can't do it. i was scared going near it, thinking it would move in it's snakelike movements towards me and bite me. that was why i put on the sneakers. second solution was to spray it with an insect repellant. it made matters worst. it probably got affected as it was moving more furiously now. in a little while it stopped. i thought it was dead. i stared at it, hoping it to be dead when it moved again -- but this time slowly... and then faster! oh no! how are we going to kill it??? it's moving towards the drainage again now. luckily, the pail covered the drainage hole so it can't get past through it fast!
finally, we thought -- hot water! my sister heated some water fast and when it's done, handed me the pot. she can't do it so i'll have to pour it down on the poor snake (yuck, what's poor about it?). when i poured the hot water on it, it just stopped moving and was stiff right away - or so i think. at least, this time i am sure it's dead. i may be cruel to that creature but i'm thinking of our safety first. what if it grows up and kills us? wrap itself around us and crush us until our breath stops and our bones crushed. i can't let that happen so i killed the baby snake.
i killed the snake because i'm totally scared of it.
i hate reptiles!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
shuttle service
these are not daily sessions but whenever R and i get to seat next to each other at the office's morning shuttle service, there are moments that all we could talk about is life in general and how God is present in it.
today, we happened to talk (again) about the uncertainty of moving on. amazingly, we share the same sentiments. it's our third year now in the company. is it time to move on, or stay? we've thought before that it will either be go on on the third year, or stay for five years. now, we are at that crossroad. i admit, i am at that crossroad. i ask myself: have i gained more in the past three years (yes, although not as much as i'd like to, based on a couple of friends who works in the same industry as me with the same number of years of experience), will i still gain more if i stay, or would it be better if i move on? if i move on, will everything be alright? will i improve or stay stagnant, just the same?
it is also a question of, am i ready to move on? is this the right time, or am i just running away from what i don't like in my present place? if i move, will i leave the unpleasantness behind altogether or just move on to a greater one? the greatest question is: will i be competent enough to compete with my contemporaries?
and lastly, more importantly, it's a question of, is this the will of the Lord. i've been asking for something better but is this it? i fear moving on, that is true. is this mainly because i am in my comfort zone, that i'm afraid of trying out new things? is this God's way of telling me that this is the moment to move on? or is He telling me, this is your place that is why you are comfortable here? how do one person know what God truly wills?
sister asked me a while ago when told about my dilemma, "are you listening to God?" but how do I listen? who can teach me? how? if it's the appearance of this chance His way of talking, then is this the time to listen? or is this what my sister says, sometimes it's the man who does the thing and since it's already done, He just lets it be....
what am i going to do? how do i listen to His will?
as Samuel said, "Here I am, Lord." but how am i to hear His voice?
Lord, guide me for i am lost... Amen.
today, we happened to talk (again) about the uncertainty of moving on. amazingly, we share the same sentiments. it's our third year now in the company. is it time to move on, or stay? we've thought before that it will either be go on on the third year, or stay for five years. now, we are at that crossroad. i admit, i am at that crossroad. i ask myself: have i gained more in the past three years (yes, although not as much as i'd like to, based on a couple of friends who works in the same industry as me with the same number of years of experience), will i still gain more if i stay, or would it be better if i move on? if i move on, will everything be alright? will i improve or stay stagnant, just the same?
it is also a question of, am i ready to move on? is this the right time, or am i just running away from what i don't like in my present place? if i move, will i leave the unpleasantness behind altogether or just move on to a greater one? the greatest question is: will i be competent enough to compete with my contemporaries?
and lastly, more importantly, it's a question of, is this the will of the Lord. i've been asking for something better but is this it? i fear moving on, that is true. is this mainly because i am in my comfort zone, that i'm afraid of trying out new things? is this God's way of telling me that this is the moment to move on? or is He telling me, this is your place that is why you are comfortable here? how do one person know what God truly wills?
sister asked me a while ago when told about my dilemma, "are you listening to God?" but how do I listen? who can teach me? how? if it's the appearance of this chance His way of talking, then is this the time to listen? or is this what my sister says, sometimes it's the man who does the thing and since it's already done, He just lets it be....
what am i going to do? how do i listen to His will?
as Samuel said, "Here I am, Lord." but how am i to hear His voice?
Lord, guide me for i am lost... Amen.
Monday, October 6, 2008
work and God
this blog has been a witness to my discontent with the policies of the company i'm working for (and sometimes, the boss and work itself). i'm here again to write about new developments. what will be, will be. what comes, will come.
a couple of days ago, a friend called me up and asked me to prepare my resume as he knew someone who's looking for someone of our profession. from what he said, the setup will be good. i'm not sure if it will be a right move to go on, but if it is, it will buy me time.
TIME. I realized that what i need is TIME to accomplish all my goals...
and this is the chance, the moment.
when i realized what i'd be getting if ever i join that group, it seemed a good prospect all of a sudden. it may not be the ideal job but it will do if all i wanted was time. if it pushes through, i will have time to finish my thesis, time to travel and most of all, time to de-stress. sister said i should pray for it. what if God already knew what i need and this is the chance He is giving me? all i need to do is BELIEVE that it is His will and to have FAITH in His faithfulness to His flock. He plans for our own good. Jeremiah 10:23 says:
"I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,
that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps."
What now?
If this pushes through, i may also have time and space to be near drifter. Is this God's will? It seems that things are falling into place, and it all seems to be at the right time. Lord, let it be this moment now. Let me know that it is.
Que sera, sera.
a couple of days ago, a friend called me up and asked me to prepare my resume as he knew someone who's looking for someone of our profession. from what he said, the setup will be good. i'm not sure if it will be a right move to go on, but if it is, it will buy me time.
TIME. I realized that what i need is TIME to accomplish all my goals...
and this is the chance, the moment.
when i realized what i'd be getting if ever i join that group, it seemed a good prospect all of a sudden. it may not be the ideal job but it will do if all i wanted was time. if it pushes through, i will have time to finish my thesis, time to travel and most of all, time to de-stress. sister said i should pray for it. what if God already knew what i need and this is the chance He is giving me? all i need to do is BELIEVE that it is His will and to have FAITH in His faithfulness to His flock. He plans for our own good. Jeremiah 10:23 says:
"I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,
that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps."
What now?
If this pushes through, i may also have time and space to be near drifter. Is this God's will? It seems that things are falling into place, and it all seems to be at the right time. Lord, let it be this moment now. Let me know that it is.
Que sera, sera.
kindergarten and boys
in early grade school, i was kind of a star because of my brother. the adjoining school was an all boys school and for sure, there were plenty of cute guys. every afternoon, my brother, who was six years older than me, was tasked to pick me up at school. as i get off earlier than him, i spend my time playing with my classmates. i'll know when my brother has come to pick me up when most of the kids stop playing and start staring at the gates. there, you could see a group of cute, young sixth graders lounging at the gate looking around. all i have to do then was grab my bag, run to them, hand them my bag and walk as if i'm their princess and they are my personal bodyguards. as a young kid, i didn't mind this at all. only when i got a little bit older that i came to realize that i was pretty lucky to have such great guys escorting me home. i must have been envied by a lot of older girls back then! LOL today, one of those guys is a dentist, a navy officer, and a teacher.
the Lord is good!
Life has always been good. It is because the Lord is always with me and my family.
I am grateful for everything i have. As i look around me, i always feel grateful that i've been very blessed. Blessed to have a strong family: wonderful parents, good brother and sister, great uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins; blessed to have a good education, happy home, good friends. I have most of what i want. All these, the Lord has provided.
When I was a kid, i got to school with new things every year: new uniforms, shoes, bags. Although our tuition weren't paid in full, it was paid on time. We get to take the exams on time. I had good teachers (mostly) and every adversaries that had come my way during my grade school years, i had good friends and great parents to support me every step of the way. There are plenty of things that had been ingrained in my mind as a young kid. Some were fun, some were not. I got to take piano lessons, join the choir as an alto, graduate as valedictorian. Yet these were also complemented by not so good experiences: a couple of teachers backbiting me when i went against them during the student elections, teachers calling me imbostero (liar) as a way to discredit/insult/make fun of my name and teachers who didn't believe that i can do good. I know these things hurt my parents, especially my mom. I went into a state of depression for weeks that almost made my parents decide to transfer me to another school on my last year in grade school. But with God's grace, and my parents and loyal friends, i overcame all these. I came out of that experience with deeps scars and although i didn't win the elections, i won in more ways than one. today, i'd guess i'm more than what my teacher detractors may have expected of me.
in high school, everything went smoothly. i stayed off teachers, maintaining always a student-teacher relationship (hmmm this may be the reason why i have never really fallen for a teacher, unlike my other classmates). i made new great friends, maintained good old ones. i fell in love. i prayed for that guy but nothing happened between the two of us. my prayer was always, if he is the right one, let us be together. i guess God said, no. :) i am lucky, i could never ask for more. we didn't have much money but we were able to attend all school functions and have dresses for the junior-senior prom. my sister and i always had someone to bring us to school in the morning and someone to pick us up in the afternoon, same as when we were still in grade school. i remember that time in grade school when our school, which was just beside the cathedral, had a bomb threat. the school closed and every parents were called to come and pick up their children from school. we didn't have to wait for long. my father and his driver came to pick us up right away.
in college, i got to go to school away from home, unlike my other classmates. i was to have a better education. i gained new experiences, new lasting friends, a career path. i am forever grateful that never once have i experienced downright poverty. funds were more than a little bit tighter than what we were used to but i survived. i had a scholarship that provided for my allowance for two years, i had an education plan that paid for my tuition and i had my parents for 24/7 support. God was always there to guide me, to wake me up during crunch times. He was the one who gave me strength. i didn't get sick very often, although i felt lonely at times. i got to go home almost every break. i hadn't had any major accidents. i never even really had a need to look for a part-time job just to augment my daily needs. God has provided me with everything. He is great!
after graduating from college, one of my greatest wish was to be able to travel abroad. six months after i got a job, i went to the uk. He listens to prayers!
today, may this writing of mine be a testimony to His greatness. amen!
I am grateful for everything i have. As i look around me, i always feel grateful that i've been very blessed. Blessed to have a strong family: wonderful parents, good brother and sister, great uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins; blessed to have a good education, happy home, good friends. I have most of what i want. All these, the Lord has provided.
When I was a kid, i got to school with new things every year: new uniforms, shoes, bags. Although our tuition weren't paid in full, it was paid on time. We get to take the exams on time. I had good teachers (mostly) and every adversaries that had come my way during my grade school years, i had good friends and great parents to support me every step of the way. There are plenty of things that had been ingrained in my mind as a young kid. Some were fun, some were not. I got to take piano lessons, join the choir as an alto, graduate as valedictorian. Yet these were also complemented by not so good experiences: a couple of teachers backbiting me when i went against them during the student elections, teachers calling me imbostero (liar) as a way to discredit/insult/make fun of my name and teachers who didn't believe that i can do good. I know these things hurt my parents, especially my mom. I went into a state of depression for weeks that almost made my parents decide to transfer me to another school on my last year in grade school. But with God's grace, and my parents and loyal friends, i overcame all these. I came out of that experience with deeps scars and although i didn't win the elections, i won in more ways than one. today, i'd guess i'm more than what my teacher detractors may have expected of me.
in high school, everything went smoothly. i stayed off teachers, maintaining always a student-teacher relationship (hmmm this may be the reason why i have never really fallen for a teacher, unlike my other classmates). i made new great friends, maintained good old ones. i fell in love. i prayed for that guy but nothing happened between the two of us. my prayer was always, if he is the right one, let us be together. i guess God said, no. :) i am lucky, i could never ask for more. we didn't have much money but we were able to attend all school functions and have dresses for the junior-senior prom. my sister and i always had someone to bring us to school in the morning and someone to pick us up in the afternoon, same as when we were still in grade school. i remember that time in grade school when our school, which was just beside the cathedral, had a bomb threat. the school closed and every parents were called to come and pick up their children from school. we didn't have to wait for long. my father and his driver came to pick us up right away.
in college, i got to go to school away from home, unlike my other classmates. i was to have a better education. i gained new experiences, new lasting friends, a career path. i am forever grateful that never once have i experienced downright poverty. funds were more than a little bit tighter than what we were used to but i survived. i had a scholarship that provided for my allowance for two years, i had an education plan that paid for my tuition and i had my parents for 24/7 support. God was always there to guide me, to wake me up during crunch times. He was the one who gave me strength. i didn't get sick very often, although i felt lonely at times. i got to go home almost every break. i hadn't had any major accidents. i never even really had a need to look for a part-time job just to augment my daily needs. God has provided me with everything. He is great!
after graduating from college, one of my greatest wish was to be able to travel abroad. six months after i got a job, i went to the uk. He listens to prayers!
today, may this writing of mine be a testimony to His greatness. amen!
Monday, September 29, 2008
math laughter
in college, i had to take a 3-part math series that lasts for three semesters.
it was an experience because it was the first time i failed in math. in high school, i was in the math olympiad team for four consecutive years. though i don't claim to be the best, i thought i could hold my own in any math problems. my preparatory calculus classes in college, which included algebra and geometry, i passed with good marks. but lo and behold when i got into the series.
the first, i took it twice. that's equal to one year math.
the second, i took it only once but had to take a second final exam to make it.
the third, i took three times!
in average, i finished my series in three years. a year after my sister did.
yet, i have funny experiences with my math. the first one was with my 2nd series class. on the first day of my second take, i got a surprised. i was in the same teacher's 54 class! when she called out my name, she looked up and asked me,
"ms. b, would you like to change to another teacher?"
"no, ma'am. i'd rather it be you."
so, i had that teacher again. fortunately this time, i did good and passed. in our third long exam, i got a 96% and she said,
"wow, ms. b! you got one of the highest grades! i'm so happy for you!"
cool teacher, huh?! she's over 50 years old.
*****
as i said, my sister who is two years younger than me, finished the math series a year ahead of me. when she reported to my dad that she got an Uno grade for that last class in the series, my dad asked her to hand over the phone to me:
"dalaga, isn't that the subject you've been taking the last couple of sems?"
"yes, papa. i don't have it this sem but i'm on my third take next sem."
"ok, so this is what you're going to do. get all your sister's exam as examples, let her come to your class and let her take your exams! you look alike so your teacher wouldn't notice it!"
ha! isn't my dad just great? teaching me his ways when he was in college? but in his case, he was the one taking the exam for his brods. LOL
it was an experience because it was the first time i failed in math. in high school, i was in the math olympiad team for four consecutive years. though i don't claim to be the best, i thought i could hold my own in any math problems. my preparatory calculus classes in college, which included algebra and geometry, i passed with good marks. but lo and behold when i got into the series.
the first, i took it twice. that's equal to one year math.
the second, i took it only once but had to take a second final exam to make it.
the third, i took three times!
in average, i finished my series in three years. a year after my sister did.
yet, i have funny experiences with my math. the first one was with my 2nd series class. on the first day of my second take, i got a surprised. i was in the same teacher's 54 class! when she called out my name, she looked up and asked me,
"ms. b, would you like to change to another teacher?"
"no, ma'am. i'd rather it be you."
so, i had that teacher again. fortunately this time, i did good and passed. in our third long exam, i got a 96% and she said,
"wow, ms. b! you got one of the highest grades! i'm so happy for you!"
cool teacher, huh?! she's over 50 years old.
*****
as i said, my sister who is two years younger than me, finished the math series a year ahead of me. when she reported to my dad that she got an Uno grade for that last class in the series, my dad asked her to hand over the phone to me:
"dalaga, isn't that the subject you've been taking the last couple of sems?"
"yes, papa. i don't have it this sem but i'm on my third take next sem."
"ok, so this is what you're going to do. get all your sister's exam as examples, let her come to your class and let her take your exams! you look alike so your teacher wouldn't notice it!"
ha! isn't my dad just great? teaching me his ways when he was in college? but in his case, he was the one taking the exam for his brods. LOL
scaredy scared
why am i afraid of doing a lot of things today?
i want to join an advocacy but i don't want the demands it will post on me. i want to play sports but i don't want to exert any effort. i particularly think it's a waste of time to jog, for example. yet, i waste my time online after arriving home from the office - and at times, even forgetting to eat!
when i look back at my first trip overseas, i amaze myself how i can be so daring (and yet it wasn't so daring at all! i didn't go to a club, for example). imagine a twenty-three year old girl who had never been away from the country actually taking that nineteen-hour flight without any guide, and just a few measly directions to the school i'm supposed to go to. imagine a little girl, going alone and living alone in a different country for one full month, with no friends (okay, beck was there but i only met her twice!). i wasn't afraid to take on the eight (or was it twelve) hours of coach ride to scotland. all these, i've done and i've actually met new friends.
and yet, now, i am a little scared of going away, even for leisure travel. why is that? as i'm writing this, i get it. it's like a bulb lighting on. eureka, in fact! the main reason why i'm afraid is not actually the safety. it's something to do with money. i have a little for that, alright but i'm afraid of diminishing my savings. before, i get to spend someone else's money for the travel but now, i use my own and it scares the hell out of me. working hard and spending hard is not my idea of living the life. i work hard, i save and i spend when i can. travel then is in the 'can' area. one that has to be planned meticulously so that i'd get my money's worth. i envy others i know who've been around the world, to all those places i always wanted to go to. but i have to believe what the saying says: do not envy the paths others had taken because you don't know what their journey is all about. so i need to live my life my own way, as God guides it.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
believe in the faithfulness of the Lord!
this morning, as my sister lounged on my bed beside me reading the bible, i read my daily reflection. the message is to let the Lord guide us, even if we have little capacity for doing, to do His will. we are encouraged to ask: God, what is it that you want me to do?
--26 September 2008
i want to join an advocacy but i don't want the demands it will post on me. i want to play sports but i don't want to exert any effort. i particularly think it's a waste of time to jog, for example. yet, i waste my time online after arriving home from the office - and at times, even forgetting to eat!
when i look back at my first trip overseas, i amaze myself how i can be so daring (and yet it wasn't so daring at all! i didn't go to a club, for example). imagine a twenty-three year old girl who had never been away from the country actually taking that nineteen-hour flight without any guide, and just a few measly directions to the school i'm supposed to go to. imagine a little girl, going alone and living alone in a different country for one full month, with no friends (okay, beck was there but i only met her twice!). i wasn't afraid to take on the eight (or was it twelve) hours of coach ride to scotland. all these, i've done and i've actually met new friends.
and yet, now, i am a little scared of going away, even for leisure travel. why is that? as i'm writing this, i get it. it's like a bulb lighting on. eureka, in fact! the main reason why i'm afraid is not actually the safety. it's something to do with money. i have a little for that, alright but i'm afraid of diminishing my savings. before, i get to spend someone else's money for the travel but now, i use my own and it scares the hell out of me. working hard and spending hard is not my idea of living the life. i work hard, i save and i spend when i can. travel then is in the 'can' area. one that has to be planned meticulously so that i'd get my money's worth. i envy others i know who've been around the world, to all those places i always wanted to go to. but i have to believe what the saying says: do not envy the paths others had taken because you don't know what their journey is all about. so i need to live my life my own way, as God guides it.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
believe in the faithfulness of the Lord!
this morning, as my sister lounged on my bed beside me reading the bible, i read my daily reflection. the message is to let the Lord guide us, even if we have little capacity for doing, to do His will. we are encouraged to ask: God, what is it that you want me to do?
--26 September 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
this is it - part 2
so no matter how hard work was today, i stop and think of the call yesterday.
finally....!
it's scary really to have a chance like this, to have something you've waited and longed for a long time, to finally have a glimmer of hope for fulfillment. i know there's a chance that we may not end up together but i do want a chance to see how we are together. i want this for the two of us. i'm just hoping that i won't regret any of this, whether we end up together or not.
i read something somewhere before and it made me think about it twice. i guess it is true (to a certain limit). it said: the only person who could heal you is that same person who broke your heart. okay, just thinking. right now, i'm not hurting but at times when i feel lonely, i think about it. it's like the txt messages or phone calls. i get hurt when he doesn't txt or call and yet when he does, every pain goes away.
right now, he is moving a lot. even if he is at one place, he doesn't spend much time in a place where there is a signal or power supply for his phone. his work keeps him busy, especially now that his itinerary is set for the next coming months. i understand this because it happens to me too sometimes, and yet i can't help wanting to hear from him anytime, everytime i want.
i am crazy in love with the guy. i just hope he feels the same. i know he feels the same way.
you know the feeling of knowing how a person feels when they send you a message? when reading it, you hear their voices. with him, i always feel loved. when he's sorry, i feel that he is sorry. and yes, sometimes, i feel that he is not telling the whole truth. when this happens, i let it be because i know, when he's ready, he tells. after all these years, i realize that with the little time we have for chats and calls, he doesn't tell me things he thinks are not important. but as people may know, i get curious and i ask. lucky for me, he answers all my questions. i love this about him. i write about him and i think it's crazy. please let it be. i can't help it.
i am happy. when i was overly crazy with kiwi a couple of years ago, i told everyone i know that he will become my boyfriend before the end of the year. i felt strongly about it. i guess it would have happened if we were not so far away and if he was not a little squeamish about having a long distance relationship. i once read too, an article that states that one reason why online relationship doesn't work is when one or both partners get bored about the set-up. i guess that was what happened with kiwi. i got bored. he probably did, too.
yet drifter was a constant for me. not always there and yet, he's always there. know what i mean? before i met kiwi, he was already a figure in my life. after kiwi, it was still him that is there. maybe the heavens is telling me something i shouldn't ignore. i just wish that if it happens that God will allow us to be together, i will be enough for him. i hope that there will be no regrets on both our parts. i will take him to church for that future blessing.
i miss him every hour of everyday. and i think of that day when i'll be writing on this blog about us - the together us.
i felt strongly about kiwi before and today, i feel strongly about drifter (and more often). if all goes well, i might even be married end of the year next year! what the heck?! where did that come from?! LOL oh well... cannot not think about that really.
on my next blog, i will have to tell what my pretty friend moonbeam had to say about the situation. it's cool because it's a view of a pragmatic, said without the rose-colored glasses. till then!
finally....!
it's scary really to have a chance like this, to have something you've waited and longed for a long time, to finally have a glimmer of hope for fulfillment. i know there's a chance that we may not end up together but i do want a chance to see how we are together. i want this for the two of us. i'm just hoping that i won't regret any of this, whether we end up together or not.
i read something somewhere before and it made me think about it twice. i guess it is true (to a certain limit). it said: the only person who could heal you is that same person who broke your heart. okay, just thinking. right now, i'm not hurting but at times when i feel lonely, i think about it. it's like the txt messages or phone calls. i get hurt when he doesn't txt or call and yet when he does, every pain goes away.
right now, he is moving a lot. even if he is at one place, he doesn't spend much time in a place where there is a signal or power supply for his phone. his work keeps him busy, especially now that his itinerary is set for the next coming months. i understand this because it happens to me too sometimes, and yet i can't help wanting to hear from him anytime, everytime i want.
i am crazy in love with the guy. i just hope he feels the same. i know he feels the same way.
you know the feeling of knowing how a person feels when they send you a message? when reading it, you hear their voices. with him, i always feel loved. when he's sorry, i feel that he is sorry. and yes, sometimes, i feel that he is not telling the whole truth. when this happens, i let it be because i know, when he's ready, he tells. after all these years, i realize that with the little time we have for chats and calls, he doesn't tell me things he thinks are not important. but as people may know, i get curious and i ask. lucky for me, he answers all my questions. i love this about him. i write about him and i think it's crazy. please let it be. i can't help it.
i am happy. when i was overly crazy with kiwi a couple of years ago, i told everyone i know that he will become my boyfriend before the end of the year. i felt strongly about it. i guess it would have happened if we were not so far away and if he was not a little squeamish about having a long distance relationship. i once read too, an article that states that one reason why online relationship doesn't work is when one or both partners get bored about the set-up. i guess that was what happened with kiwi. i got bored. he probably did, too.
yet drifter was a constant for me. not always there and yet, he's always there. know what i mean? before i met kiwi, he was already a figure in my life. after kiwi, it was still him that is there. maybe the heavens is telling me something i shouldn't ignore. i just wish that if it happens that God will allow us to be together, i will be enough for him. i hope that there will be no regrets on both our parts. i will take him to church for that future blessing.
i miss him every hour of everyday. and i think of that day when i'll be writing on this blog about us - the together us.
i felt strongly about kiwi before and today, i feel strongly about drifter (and more often). if all goes well, i might even be married end of the year next year! what the heck?! where did that come from?! LOL oh well... cannot not think about that really.
on my next blog, i will have to tell what my pretty friend moonbeam had to say about the situation. it's cool because it's a view of a pragmatic, said without the rose-colored glasses. till then!
Monday, September 22, 2008
this is it
this morning, drifter texted me after more than a month. since i can't help it, i replied. i was happy to hear from him. i missed him. yet i told him i was mad at him the last couple of weeks because he went awol on me. i didn't know where he was, what he's doing. for all i know, he got in the army earlier and at the moment fighting in iraq; or he got into another accident. maybe i made him feel guilty by saying that that he asked if he could call. i was at the office after all. i didn't want him to but it was the only time we had as he was on field most of the time, so i told him to call.
that phone call now changes everything - i think. i know why he was gone a long time without any contact with me. i am guilty of that, too. when one is on the field, one can lose phone signals, or lose battery charges, and if one is busy taking care of other people, one cannot expect for that person to drop everything else for you. he is now in constant move and one cannot know when he's going to get the chance to be on the phone or on the internet. it's enough that he keeps me on his mind.
yet, there is one thing that made me speechless from our conversation --
he had now filed for divorce, this end of july.
i don't know what will happen then but for now, we will both keep it easy. it's scary because the chance for us to be together comes nearer and nearer. yet, could it be really for real? how will i introduce him to my parents, family and friends?
as we were having our conversation at the washroom, i realized someone was also there, overhearing our talk. unfortunately, it was an officemate i'm close to. anyways, when she left, i told drifter about that and that i wasn't sure how she'd take it coz my friend doesn't know about him. in fact, not many of my friends know about you, i said. i don't want them to know about you. he replied, 'why not?' i hope he wasn't insulted but my only answer was that, i couldn't tell them about him because he is not totally free. when i tell them, i want to know that he is fully mine, and not partially owned by someone else. i told him that i want to let the whole world know that he's mine but it's just not the right time. he is not fully mine. i know he understood that, and i'm grateful.
so what will happen now? surely i want the chance to know how we are together. will we be happy? will we be a piece, a half of each other? will we make each other whole? will we have great times ahead? will we get through all the troubles that will come our way? will we? so many questions and yet not the right time for the right answers.
i'm way over my head now. i'm scared yet i kind of look forward to seeing him. soon. it's gonna be soon. if God wills it, we will.
that phone call now changes everything - i think. i know why he was gone a long time without any contact with me. i am guilty of that, too. when one is on the field, one can lose phone signals, or lose battery charges, and if one is busy taking care of other people, one cannot expect for that person to drop everything else for you. he is now in constant move and one cannot know when he's going to get the chance to be on the phone or on the internet. it's enough that he keeps me on his mind.
yet, there is one thing that made me speechless from our conversation --
he had now filed for divorce, this end of july.
i don't know what will happen then but for now, we will both keep it easy. it's scary because the chance for us to be together comes nearer and nearer. yet, could it be really for real? how will i introduce him to my parents, family and friends?
as we were having our conversation at the washroom, i realized someone was also there, overhearing our talk. unfortunately, it was an officemate i'm close to. anyways, when she left, i told drifter about that and that i wasn't sure how she'd take it coz my friend doesn't know about him. in fact, not many of my friends know about you, i said. i don't want them to know about you. he replied, 'why not?' i hope he wasn't insulted but my only answer was that, i couldn't tell them about him because he is not totally free. when i tell them, i want to know that he is fully mine, and not partially owned by someone else. i told him that i want to let the whole world know that he's mine but it's just not the right time. he is not fully mine. i know he understood that, and i'm grateful.
so what will happen now? surely i want the chance to know how we are together. will we be happy? will we be a piece, a half of each other? will we make each other whole? will we have great times ahead? will we get through all the troubles that will come our way? will we? so many questions and yet not the right time for the right answers.
i'm way over my head now. i'm scared yet i kind of look forward to seeing him. soon. it's gonna be soon. if God wills it, we will.
Friday, September 19, 2008
wish i could go back
a text message from strat --
as i grow old,
my realizations about life
become deeper
problems get bigger
situations become more
complicated
sometimes i wish i could go back
back to the time
when the only man in my life
was my dad
my only bestfriend was my mom
and any pain could be healed
by just a band-aid and
a lollipop....
as i grow old,
my realizations about life
become deeper
problems get bigger
situations become more
complicated
sometimes i wish i could go back
back to the time
when the only man in my life
was my dad
my only bestfriend was my mom
and any pain could be healed
by just a band-aid and
a lollipop....
Thursday, September 18, 2008
changing times
my freshman year in university, the local public transportation cost 2.25PhP. today, it's 7.00PhP
return airfare to home was around 8,000PhP to 12,000PhP. today, you can get it at around 6,000PhP to 8,000PhP. flying time was one hour and a half. today, it's cut into half.
when i was a kid, there was only one airline. today, there are many with three flying to my hometown.
lrt used to have tokens for entry. today, we swipe a card.
when i was in grade school, the book said that a peso can buy six pan de sal during marcos' time. at that time, a pan de sal cost us a peso. today, one costs around 3PhP to 5PhP.
we used to play patintero under the light of the moon. now i wonder if kids still know how to play it, much less play it under the moon.
we used to be able to meet without a cellphone. one word was enough. today, we need the phones when we go out and meet the same people.
life was simple back then. times are changing and we adapt. i've grown and i've adapt. life is easier, yet it has become more complex. we wish for the good old times but are we willing to give up what we have now?
my family, when we still lived together, used to play scrabble and word factory on the floor at the living room to pass the time. now i wonder if families still do that when everyone are engaged with their phones and internet all the time.
yes, times are changing and i don't know if i want to have it any other way. yet i long for the simple life, back when i was a kid.
return airfare to home was around 8,000PhP to 12,000PhP. today, you can get it at around 6,000PhP to 8,000PhP. flying time was one hour and a half. today, it's cut into half.
when i was a kid, there was only one airline. today, there are many with three flying to my hometown.
lrt used to have tokens for entry. today, we swipe a card.
when i was in grade school, the book said that a peso can buy six pan de sal during marcos' time. at that time, a pan de sal cost us a peso. today, one costs around 3PhP to 5PhP.
we used to play patintero under the light of the moon. now i wonder if kids still know how to play it, much less play it under the moon.
we used to be able to meet without a cellphone. one word was enough. today, we need the phones when we go out and meet the same people.
life was simple back then. times are changing and we adapt. i've grown and i've adapt. life is easier, yet it has become more complex. we wish for the good old times but are we willing to give up what we have now?
my family, when we still lived together, used to play scrabble and word factory on the floor at the living room to pass the time. now i wonder if families still do that when everyone are engaged with their phones and internet all the time.
yes, times are changing and i don't know if i want to have it any other way. yet i long for the simple life, back when i was a kid.
pensieve and blog
if dumbledore has his pensieve, i have this blog.
it works the same way, actually. the pensieve was used to keep the thoughts that heavy his mind. it is like a storage unit where his thoughts can be accessible any time he wished.
my blog is just another type of pensieve, in a muggle-sort of way....
wow, i'm in harry potter land! :D
it works the same way, actually. the pensieve was used to keep the thoughts that heavy his mind. it is like a storage unit where his thoughts can be accessible any time he wished.
my blog is just another type of pensieve, in a muggle-sort of way....
wow, i'm in harry potter land! :D
rediscovering vanna vanna
a song keeps on popping on my mind at certain moments. i know a little of its lyrics but i always forget to check what song is that. all i know is that i know this one from my grade school days, or was it high school?
as i sat quietly at the jeep today while the rain was pouring heavily, this song popped on my mind again and i begun to sing and hum with the music that's running 'round my mind.
tonight, i checked on the song -- finally. yes, it was a song from vanna vanna (foj before). i like this song and it's heartbreaking (or so)...
i found one version of it on youtube and an mp3 which i downloaded.
=============
Hurting Inside
There are moments
That I feel I just can't go on
Wishing that you were here
Oh how I wish You holding me close to you
Whispering those words I love you (I love you)
But baby you're not there
Like you were before
No words of love to hear
Can't smile anymore
Is it finally over
I can't wait any longer
Do you ever think of me
Coz baby can't you see
That I'm hurting inside
All the tears I can't hide
Life is never easy without you baby
I want you to know that
I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside (I can't mend it)
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside
Empty moments
They just fill every part of me
Since you've been away from me
Give me a chance to say how much I care
Hold me close to you and let me through
But baby you're not there
Like you were before
No words of love to hear
Can't smile anymore
Is it finally over
I can't wait any longer
Do you ever think of me
Coz baby can't you see
That I'm hurting inside
All the tears I can't hide
Life is never easy without you baby
I want you to know that I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside I can't mend it
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside
I want you to know that I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside (I can't mend it)
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside
as i sat quietly at the jeep today while the rain was pouring heavily, this song popped on my mind again and i begun to sing and hum with the music that's running 'round my mind.
tonight, i checked on the song -- finally. yes, it was a song from vanna vanna (foj before). i like this song and it's heartbreaking (or so)...
i found one version of it on youtube and an mp3 which i downloaded.
=============
Hurting Inside
There are moments
That I feel I just can't go on
Wishing that you were here
Oh how I wish You holding me close to you
Whispering those words I love you (I love you)
But baby you're not there
Like you were before
No words of love to hear
Can't smile anymore
Is it finally over
I can't wait any longer
Do you ever think of me
Coz baby can't you see
That I'm hurting inside
All the tears I can't hide
Life is never easy without you baby
I want you to know that
I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside (I can't mend it)
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside
Empty moments
They just fill every part of me
Since you've been away from me
Give me a chance to say how much I care
Hold me close to you and let me through
But baby you're not there
Like you were before
No words of love to hear
Can't smile anymore
Is it finally over
I can't wait any longer
Do you ever think of me
Coz baby can't you see
That I'm hurting inside
All the tears I can't hide
Life is never easy without you baby
I want you to know that I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside I can't mend it
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside
I want you to know that I'm hurting inside
The pain is deep inside (I can't mend it)
Wishing you would come to ease the pain
In my heart
Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside
Saturday, September 13, 2008
what is your passion
i have none.
that is one of the reasons why i am totally lost and sad sometimes. i have nothing to show for. i am not passionate about anything. not my work, not my studies, not my puzzles, not my scrapbooks, not my love for photographs. not even the exercises i try to do once a week. not even my bible reading!
how can i go on? how will i change things? others i know are passionate about their family, their sports, their business. and i have nothing to show for. 27 years and i have nothing :(
Part Two: Reason
the only reason i can think of is that i get easily fed up with things. once i've tried it once or twice, the allure lessens and i move on to other things. money is also an issue. i have only one source of it and if i loose it, i'm a goner.
Realization
as i think of my passion now, the only thing i can think of is that i Love to Travel. if there is a way that i can do that for pay, i will. i love to see new things, experience new sounds, taste and culture. that is probably why i like languages (not a passion, too coz i quit the last class i was on. it wasn't worth the trouble with the kind of teacher i had). i like to take photos but i'm not passionate about it that i'd splurge 300USD for a camera nor have the patience to actually compose a beautiful picture. i live for the moment and yet sometimes, i don't particularly see the value of living for the moment when one can enjoy her passion as long as God wills it.
Lost
so what is My Passion? i'd like to know.
that is one of the reasons why i am totally lost and sad sometimes. i have nothing to show for. i am not passionate about anything. not my work, not my studies, not my puzzles, not my scrapbooks, not my love for photographs. not even the exercises i try to do once a week. not even my bible reading!
how can i go on? how will i change things? others i know are passionate about their family, their sports, their business. and i have nothing to show for. 27 years and i have nothing :(
Part Two: Reason
the only reason i can think of is that i get easily fed up with things. once i've tried it once or twice, the allure lessens and i move on to other things. money is also an issue. i have only one source of it and if i loose it, i'm a goner.
Realization
as i think of my passion now, the only thing i can think of is that i Love to Travel. if there is a way that i can do that for pay, i will. i love to see new things, experience new sounds, taste and culture. that is probably why i like languages (not a passion, too coz i quit the last class i was on. it wasn't worth the trouble with the kind of teacher i had). i like to take photos but i'm not passionate about it that i'd splurge 300USD for a camera nor have the patience to actually compose a beautiful picture. i live for the moment and yet sometimes, i don't particularly see the value of living for the moment when one can enjoy her passion as long as God wills it.
Lost
so what is My Passion? i'd like to know.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
stressed and afraid
i am too stressed out today. i found out that my supervisor had a meeting with the company president and the president commented that we were working so slow for this project i'm handling. i am afraid that my efforts for the last several months are not up to par and that it is lacking and incomplete. i am not blaming anyone but i guess my output is just as much as i know. as everyone knows, one cannot identify what one do not know.
i am afraid that i will be found lacking, or worst, be told that my work is not worth anything.
what if i get fired? if not fired then what if i get a thrashing from my bosses and i won't be given another chance to learn? as it is, with what i have, it's just like doing the work so i can learn and not doing the work to give a result.
i've been asked questions earlier today that i have no answers to, when in fact, it should have been me who could answer them because i am the one focused on that work. i feel so sad and so afraid i may not be able to deliver what they want on time. i'm running out of time....
i am afraid that i will be found lacking, or worst, be told that my work is not worth anything.
what if i get fired? if not fired then what if i get a thrashing from my bosses and i won't be given another chance to learn? as it is, with what i have, it's just like doing the work so i can learn and not doing the work to give a result.
i've been asked questions earlier today that i have no answers to, when in fact, it should have been me who could answer them because i am the one focused on that work. i feel so sad and so afraid i may not be able to deliver what they want on time. i'm running out of time....
*****
on a lighter note, other items for my Christmas wish list:
1. pajama set (coz i don't own one)
2. la senza lingerie :)
Friday, September 5, 2008
early Christmas wish list
things are going so fast right now and i've been thinking of what i want to receive this Christmas. i'm posting the things i want here starting today and come first week of December, i'll post my top ten. thinking off the hat, i want two things:
1. Nikon D60 DSLR camera
2. pedometer - so i can count the number of steps i take in a day. ten thousand steps/day can help you become healthier!
1. Nikon D60 DSLR camera
2. pedometer - so i can count the number of steps i take in a day. ten thousand steps/day can help you become healthier!
three things i learned today
1. if you want something done right, do it yourself.
2. however people, especially your boss, treat you at the office, you tend to retain and bring it at home.
3. if you want help in flattening your belly, improve your posture.
and i guess, another story from today...
my friend showed me that if a person really wants something done for you, he will do it. like her guy who just sent her a box of chocolates when he is still in italy while she's in new york. then calling her up to let her know he's fine and to know if she got his "surprise." isn't that so cute and so sweet? i never did get that kind of thing from him. i could say as an excuse that the situation is different for us, but still.. he could have at least made the effort. i'm beginning to see things that i've missed out and things that i shouldn't ever take for granted. just because i love a guy doesn't mean that he could get away from missing things that he should have done to show that he loves me back.
*sigh* oh well...
mike once said to me that you never really get what you want at the time you want it. L also said that you can have everything you want but not at the same time.
*****
tomorrow is capoeira day. i mean i'm not joining but M and I are going to check out the class at the university in the morning. hope we'll like it *fingers crossed*
2. however people, especially your boss, treat you at the office, you tend to retain and bring it at home.
3. if you want help in flattening your belly, improve your posture.
and i guess, another story from today...
my friend showed me that if a person really wants something done for you, he will do it. like her guy who just sent her a box of chocolates when he is still in italy while she's in new york. then calling her up to let her know he's fine and to know if she got his "surprise." isn't that so cute and so sweet? i never did get that kind of thing from him. i could say as an excuse that the situation is different for us, but still.. he could have at least made the effort. i'm beginning to see things that i've missed out and things that i shouldn't ever take for granted. just because i love a guy doesn't mean that he could get away from missing things that he should have done to show that he loves me back.
*sigh* oh well...
mike once said to me that you never really get what you want at the time you want it. L also said that you can have everything you want but not at the same time.
*****
tomorrow is capoeira day. i mean i'm not joining but M and I are going to check out the class at the university in the morning. hope we'll like it *fingers crossed*
Thursday, September 4, 2008
the books
today i completed the set for my sword of truth series. okay, not actually Totally completed it because the last one's paperback is not yet out in the market. anyway, i started reading this series when i was in college. it was introduced to me by a friend. i didn't want to read it at first because the first book was too thick and i didn't think i'd have the chance to read it. when i decided to read it, i went straight to the middle. the story got me hooked and made me realize that i should start from the beginning. from there on, i moved on through the years reading each book in the series as soon as it goes out in the market.
it was then a very happy day a few days ago when a friend sent me an article that announces the making of the first book into a tv series and will be airing on november. isn't that exciting? and then another friend told me that the paperback will be out on october! and today, i got the book i'm missing in the series! wow! i can now go on reading any parts of the series whenever i like! yes!
it was then a very happy day a few days ago when a friend sent me an article that announces the making of the first book into a tv series and will be airing on november. isn't that exciting? and then another friend told me that the paperback will be out on october! and today, i got the book i'm missing in the series! wow! i can now go on reading any parts of the series whenever i like! yes!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
oxymoron
this is it! ang tagal ko nang hinahanap to. i remember, nasa school email ko ito and since di ko na sya naa-access ngayon, di ko makita copy ko. fortunately, may ibang mga bloggers who posted it online kaya eto, kinopya ko ulit para sa blog ko. kung sinuman ang nagsulat nito, salamat.
*****
Ang Puno't Dulo ng Pag-Ibig
Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.
Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.
Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?! May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati “Love is only for stupid people.” Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.
Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama’y malambot.) Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na “Ayoko na ma-inlove!” biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.
Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero ‘pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama? Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. “Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!” “Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na ‘ko mamatay. Now na!”
At hindi lang ‘yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos ‘pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! “Bakit niya ‘ko sinaktan?” May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon at pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga. Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa ‘pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na ‘ko. Pero wala pa rin akong alam. Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.
Nakakatawa no?
Nakakaiyak.
*****
Ang Puno't Dulo ng Pag-Ibig
Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.
Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.
Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?! May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati “Love is only for stupid people.” Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.
Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama’y malambot.) Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na “Ayoko na ma-inlove!” biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.
Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero ‘pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama? Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. “Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!” “Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na ‘ko mamatay. Now na!”
At hindi lang ‘yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos ‘pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! “Bakit niya ‘ko sinaktan?” May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon at pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga. Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa ‘pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na ‘ko. Pero wala pa rin akong alam. Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.
Nakakatawa no?
Nakakaiyak.
BER (bbrrrr) Months ahead!
yesterday was the start of the BER months!
can't wait for Christmas to come so i can enjoy the long vacation being with my family and friends. can't wait to shop for a gift for sachi. and as i'm writing this, i'm thinking of the things i need to do for December. well, it's better to be prepared than do nothing at all!
Things to Do on December (or way before that, not in particular order):
1. buy/have Mama send my Christmas gifts for my officemates
2. buy Sachi his gift. think of a gift.
3. buy Wena, Ma and Pa's gifts. Kuya and Ate Dang's gifts.
4. buy Devil's Food Cake for B for her belated bday gift.
5. buy Carol's congratulations gift from any silver jewelry shop. what to buy her for Christmas?
6. call Drifter on Christmas day. call, not txt.
7. send Zedric and Carlanne gifts. (so that's three kid gifts now).
8. attend the company party.
9. organize a night out with
a) the girls at the office
b) kalay friends
c) college friends
10. organize a despedida party for tom, and dan and joe who are all moving to perth by the end of the month.
11. what to give Fem and Jeanrummy?
12. Christmas Holiday project: scan family photos and HS photos (gift for other classmates who are interested?)
13. send out ecards to friends abroad: becky, homer, kiwi, bams and fx, tom, dan and jo, tutsirol, etc.
14. argh! gifts for the other girls at the office? what's a good memento but still inexpensive?
ok, ok. so i'm looking at the buying and organizing as the things that will require much of my time and effort. i guess i can start the buying now and the organizing a month ahead. that's probably in november, or after my trip to cebu.
will keep you, nameless readers, updated on the progress of my things to do list... :)
can't wait for Christmas to come so i can enjoy the long vacation being with my family and friends. can't wait to shop for a gift for sachi. and as i'm writing this, i'm thinking of the things i need to do for December. well, it's better to be prepared than do nothing at all!
Things to Do on December (or way before that, not in particular order):
1. buy/have Mama send my Christmas gifts for my officemates
2. buy Sachi his gift. think of a gift.
3. buy Wena, Ma and Pa's gifts. Kuya and Ate Dang's gifts.
4. buy Devil's Food Cake for B for her belated bday gift.
5. buy Carol's congratulations gift from any silver jewelry shop. what to buy her for Christmas?
6. call Drifter on Christmas day. call, not txt.
7. send Zedric and Carlanne gifts. (so that's three kid gifts now).
8. attend the company party.
9. organize a night out with
a) the girls at the office
b) kalay friends
c) college friends
10. organize a despedida party for tom, and dan and joe who are all moving to perth by the end of the month.
11. what to give Fem and Jeanrummy?
12. Christmas Holiday project: scan family photos and HS photos (gift for other classmates who are interested?)
13. send out ecards to friends abroad: becky, homer, kiwi, bams and fx, tom, dan and jo, tutsirol, etc.
14. argh! gifts for the other girls at the office? what's a good memento but still inexpensive?
ok, ok. so i'm looking at the buying and organizing as the things that will require much of my time and effort. i guess i can start the buying now and the organizing a month ahead. that's probably in november, or after my trip to cebu.
will keep you, nameless readers, updated on the progress of my things to do list... :)
karl day
yesterday was karl day.
at lunch, E told me that one of the guys in her office, whom she had never met but my other acquaintances know of, moved to nz and is now working in the same company as karl's. can you believe it? it's such a small world! a fellow scientist working near him. wow, kind of a 'so near, yet so far' drama! :)
then later, i got a call from A telling that my labmates whom karl met before when he was in the country met him again at a conference at iceland! argh! the same people we met before where there again. it would have been fun to see them again, like gropelli who got married already and mike. speaking of mike, i heard that he asked what happened between karl and i considering that "i like karl a lot!" wow! i don't know if i should laugh or cry. i know they mean well, but heck! it's so embarrassing. these guys pressing him, because they know i like him. hello! it's been almost three years! but hey, i did like the guy - and crazily, too!
it was really a giddy moment though, knowing that my friends would think that we could have a chance of making it! it's thrilling and it's making blush! i can't stop but just be hyper about all of it.
what's not nice about it all though is that karl just spent his time smiling at everyone whenever asked about me. didn't he have anything to say?! argh! and he's just sending me his regards! argh! what was that?! he could have said that we text and email from time to time, don't you think. hmmm what if he doesn't really want to be associated with me? so what the hell? then don't, right? it's so irritating! he is sooo irritating!
*****
what made me happy despite all that was what my friends strat and ross said: they like drifter better than karl. =))
at lunch, E told me that one of the guys in her office, whom she had never met but my other acquaintances know of, moved to nz and is now working in the same company as karl's. can you believe it? it's such a small world! a fellow scientist working near him. wow, kind of a 'so near, yet so far' drama! :)
then later, i got a call from A telling that my labmates whom karl met before when he was in the country met him again at a conference at iceland! argh! the same people we met before where there again. it would have been fun to see them again, like gropelli who got married already and mike. speaking of mike, i heard that he asked what happened between karl and i considering that "i like karl a lot!" wow! i don't know if i should laugh or cry. i know they mean well, but heck! it's so embarrassing. these guys pressing him, because they know i like him. hello! it's been almost three years! but hey, i did like the guy - and crazily, too!
it was really a giddy moment though, knowing that my friends would think that we could have a chance of making it! it's thrilling and it's making blush! i can't stop but just be hyper about all of it.
what's not nice about it all though is that karl just spent his time smiling at everyone whenever asked about me. didn't he have anything to say?! argh! and he's just sending me his regards! argh! what was that?! he could have said that we text and email from time to time, don't you think. hmmm what if he doesn't really want to be associated with me? so what the hell? then don't, right? it's so irritating! he is sooo irritating!
*****
what made me happy despite all that was what my friends strat and ross said: they like drifter better than karl. =))
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I AM CRAZY!
just remembering. it's the end of august so that means, we've known each other officially for four years. wow, four years! well, he says it's about five. i just wonder how he counts the years! :D well, i don't mind as long as he appreciates the idea of knowing each other for years and still be happy with it...
hmmm wow, i was only 23 and he, 25, when we got to know each other. wow! :D it feels like it was eons ago and yet it feels like it was just yesterday! LOL
I AM CRAZY for thinking this way!
hmmm wow, i was only 23 and he, 25, when we got to know each other. wow! :D it feels like it was eons ago and yet it feels like it was just yesterday! LOL
I AM CRAZY for thinking this way!
manila by picture
one of my favorite shots of manila. this is taken from the plaza in front of malate church...
money matters
i'm kind of broke lately and i guess, it will last for three months. the why's are not important but what is is, how am i going to survive the next few months. easy! live the way i lived when i was just a fresh graduate and an RA at the university - prudently. i survived then, i will survive now.
*****
eons ago, our family had a chance to visit my parents' hometown. it was also the time first time we've met our youngest cousins - Al and Bal (just nicknames). it was obvious that these two kids were intelligent, even at a young age and everyone were very fond of them. one afternoon, when the ice cream man passed by the old house, all of us were able to enjoy our grandfather's treat of ice cream on bread, including the two little kids. however, they didn't have money to buy more snacks for themselves at the nearby sari-sari store so my mother gave them a five-peso bill (remember that? it's the green bill with the raising of the Philippine flag at cavite as its design). my mom told them to share it equally and so they did! with their bright minds, they shared their wealth half and half but wasn't able to buy anything at the store because guess what?!
they cut the bill in two! hating kapatid nga naman! fifty-fifty!
but i guess the story is funnier when told in filipino.
*****
when i was very little, i remember that my mom would always, always avoid bringing me with her when she does her shopping. it was because i always go home pouting if i don't get what i want. i was maldita and perhaps, high-handed. as i grew up, money was not an issue but it was strictly, or should i say prudently, given to us. before getting anything we want, a discussion occurs. why do you need the money when we were given daily allowances and when in high school, we were given a fixed amount for the whole week to budget it however we want. but of course, as i was a crazy kid, i wanted expensive things. things that were worth more than my weekly allowance.
it was a hard road to walk on when i wanted something. luckily, with my persistence, my parents didn't have a choice but to listen to me and most of the time, i'd get what i want. okay, not exactly. most of the time, my parents will agree to buy stuff for me as long as i save for half of it. take for example my in-line skates and walkman. way back in high school, in-line skates were very expensive and i labored into saving for half of it. it took me more than a month to convince my parents that it was safe to be in it, and a couple more months to save up for the fifty percent.
today, i am glad that i learned how to handle money the hard way. today, i don't feel comfortable without my own money in the blank. there is always a limit to my accounts. i don't borrow money from people because i don't want to be in debt (except the credit card which i am now fixing). i may be broke today but not that totally broke and this, i thank my parents for. but most all, i thank God for His blessing because without Him, i might truly be in the real sense of the word --- Broke.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
sister's blog
last weekend was a long one and so, my sister decided to really do something to her multiply account. for her first album, she posted pictures of us together at the apartment. it was really sweet. the next day, i woke up pretty late and found her sound asleep. i later found out that she slept at 4am just because she got hooked up on upgrading her account. as i checked mine, i saw in my inbox that she had already posted albums, music, and a blog! hmmm that got me interested and looked at what she'd written. i never thought i would be shocked and i felt more love for her.
"i almost got my sister killed." this was what she had written and i never realized that she had strong memories of this, albeit a twisted one. i never thought we'd share this childhood memory in a way that probably had a very great impact when we were growing up. you see, i never realized that she promised herself that she wouldn't get physical with me. well, okay, there were the moments of hair-pulling but that was nothing to what happened when we were kids that made her think this way.
she talked about how she pushed me off a ledge getting to a playmate at our neighbor's house. the truth was, it wasn't a playmate she was getting to but she just wanted to sit on the ledge. she never pushed me away really, but i was getting off the ledge to let her sit when she accidentally brushed me aside as she excitedly went up. after that, all hell broke loose. i fell and the moment i opened my eyes, the world was turning fast and fast around me, then i felt undescribable pain running the back of my head. i started screaming like there was tomorrow. maybe i thought i was dying, i don't know. but i heard my sister cry out loud and over and over again - "ate, huwag kang mamatay. ate, huwag kang mamatay." my parents where not at home at that time so our neighbor had to rush me to a clinic to have my wound cleaned up. when we got home, i was bald at the back of my head and got four stitches. until now, the back of my head is not perfectly round. when i touch it, i feel that there's a little groove, or edgy part there. anyway, from my sister's blog, this was also another thing that got twisted. she thought i got three stitches on my forehead. i don't know how she concluded that when in fact, i fell backwards. well, a lot of things happened that day and she was just a kid.
i was six and she was four.
"i almost got my sister killed." this was what she had written and i never realized that she had strong memories of this, albeit a twisted one. i never thought we'd share this childhood memory in a way that probably had a very great impact when we were growing up. you see, i never realized that she promised herself that she wouldn't get physical with me. well, okay, there were the moments of hair-pulling but that was nothing to what happened when we were kids that made her think this way.
she talked about how she pushed me off a ledge getting to a playmate at our neighbor's house. the truth was, it wasn't a playmate she was getting to but she just wanted to sit on the ledge. she never pushed me away really, but i was getting off the ledge to let her sit when she accidentally brushed me aside as she excitedly went up. after that, all hell broke loose. i fell and the moment i opened my eyes, the world was turning fast and fast around me, then i felt undescribable pain running the back of my head. i started screaming like there was tomorrow. maybe i thought i was dying, i don't know. but i heard my sister cry out loud and over and over again - "ate, huwag kang mamatay. ate, huwag kang mamatay." my parents where not at home at that time so our neighbor had to rush me to a clinic to have my wound cleaned up. when we got home, i was bald at the back of my head and got four stitches. until now, the back of my head is not perfectly round. when i touch it, i feel that there's a little groove, or edgy part there. anyway, from my sister's blog, this was also another thing that got twisted. she thought i got three stitches on my forehead. i don't know how she concluded that when in fact, i fell backwards. well, a lot of things happened that day and she was just a kid.
i was six and she was four.
events - the last couple of days
new doctor
bestfriend last week received the results of the physician's board exams and she passed! YES! after all the hardwork and panic, she's finally made it. we are all so proud of her! :D
siomao
at a spur of the moment, strat and i decided to accompany our officemates to eat lunch out at chowking. in line, a lady was moving around to take the customers' orders. when she got to me:
chowking lady: what's your order, miss?
me: ummm... can i have the chao fan, with siomao...
chowking lady: ummm you mean, siomai, ma'am?
me: yes... huh?! what did i say, anyway?
chowking lady and strat: siomao!
argh! was i thinking of siomai or siopao? or couldn't my brain (or mouth) get it straight?! bloopers! :D
beggars in the subdivision
i passed by the bank today and since it's just walking distance from the apartment, i decided to walk home. you know, to get some "exercise." as i was walking, i saw a couple of ladies with kids on their arms walking around the street. it was getting dark and i was wondering they weren't at home and each one of them were "stationed" at one gate each. when i neared one of them, i heard them asking from the people of the house for some charity. that got me thinking of a time when i was still at home and there was this badjao lady who asked mama for rice because she just lost her home to a fire. mama was kind so she gave the lady a couple of kilos of rice (there wasn't any shortage of that yet at that time). a couple of months after, the lady came back and asked for food, so mama gave her sardines because she pitied the kids the lady was carrying with her. mama thought that would be the end of it but christmas came and the lady came back to ask for food. this went on for a couple of years. i just don't know if she still passes by but i remember mama giving her clothes too, for her and her kids. i also remember her telling the lady that she should stop this begging because she feels that the lady is becoming abusive of other people's kindness.
back to the present. looking at those ladies begging, i remember that old lady and how she was with my mama. today, i think to myself, the world is getting crazier and crazier each day. we could blame them for their lot in life, but can we really blame them? maybe they made the wrong choices in life and now had to suffer the consequences but isn't it so sad that the country's poverty gets bigger and bigger everyday? truly there is something wrong with our system that more people are underprivileged, with nothing to support them but by begging. maybe i blame more the system than the people. and then i think, maybe they should share the blame. i don't know.
all i know is that i am lucky that my parents made the right choices that led me to where i am now.
as i reached home, i saw a girl knocking on our gate. when i asked what she wants, she asked for some donation for some group or something. i didn't get what she said and i didn't want to ask. i feel strongly, at that time, that this wasn't the right place to ask for money. she didn't even have anything to show as proof of her need. so i said, sorry, i don't have money right now. not even coins, she said. i said none, i have nothing to give you, sorry. well, i'm really sorry but i won't give. i hope God forgives me for being selfish.
last thought is that i'm scared of these people. times aren't the same as it was back then that you could trust, even for a bit, strangers. today, i'm scared of people not from the village going around, pretending to beg or sell something when in fact, they could be "sight-seeing" the places they could "raid" from when the owners aren't around. in my stay at the apartment, i lost a phone when someone took it from my second floor room window. isn't that scary? people go to lengths just so they could take and "save" themselves, and yet not do it in the right possible way. they'd rather steal than work.
bestfriend last week received the results of the physician's board exams and she passed! YES! after all the hardwork and panic, she's finally made it. we are all so proud of her! :D
siomao
at a spur of the moment, strat and i decided to accompany our officemates to eat lunch out at chowking. in line, a lady was moving around to take the customers' orders. when she got to me:
chowking lady: what's your order, miss?
me: ummm... can i have the chao fan, with siomao...
chowking lady: ummm you mean, siomai, ma'am?
me: yes... huh?! what did i say, anyway?
chowking lady and strat: siomao!
argh! was i thinking of siomai or siopao? or couldn't my brain (or mouth) get it straight?! bloopers! :D
beggars in the subdivision
i passed by the bank today and since it's just walking distance from the apartment, i decided to walk home. you know, to get some "exercise." as i was walking, i saw a couple of ladies with kids on their arms walking around the street. it was getting dark and i was wondering they weren't at home and each one of them were "stationed" at one gate each. when i neared one of them, i heard them asking from the people of the house for some charity. that got me thinking of a time when i was still at home and there was this badjao lady who asked mama for rice because she just lost her home to a fire. mama was kind so she gave the lady a couple of kilos of rice (there wasn't any shortage of that yet at that time). a couple of months after, the lady came back and asked for food, so mama gave her sardines because she pitied the kids the lady was carrying with her. mama thought that would be the end of it but christmas came and the lady came back to ask for food. this went on for a couple of years. i just don't know if she still passes by but i remember mama giving her clothes too, for her and her kids. i also remember her telling the lady that she should stop this begging because she feels that the lady is becoming abusive of other people's kindness.
back to the present. looking at those ladies begging, i remember that old lady and how she was with my mama. today, i think to myself, the world is getting crazier and crazier each day. we could blame them for their lot in life, but can we really blame them? maybe they made the wrong choices in life and now had to suffer the consequences but isn't it so sad that the country's poverty gets bigger and bigger everyday? truly there is something wrong with our system that more people are underprivileged, with nothing to support them but by begging. maybe i blame more the system than the people. and then i think, maybe they should share the blame. i don't know.
all i know is that i am lucky that my parents made the right choices that led me to where i am now.
as i reached home, i saw a girl knocking on our gate. when i asked what she wants, she asked for some donation for some group or something. i didn't get what she said and i didn't want to ask. i feel strongly, at that time, that this wasn't the right place to ask for money. she didn't even have anything to show as proof of her need. so i said, sorry, i don't have money right now. not even coins, she said. i said none, i have nothing to give you, sorry. well, i'm really sorry but i won't give. i hope God forgives me for being selfish.
last thought is that i'm scared of these people. times aren't the same as it was back then that you could trust, even for a bit, strangers. today, i'm scared of people not from the village going around, pretending to beg or sell something when in fact, they could be "sight-seeing" the places they could "raid" from when the owners aren't around. in my stay at the apartment, i lost a phone when someone took it from my second floor room window. isn't that scary? people go to lengths just so they could take and "save" themselves, and yet not do it in the right possible way. they'd rather steal than work.
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